No Sleep at Night. Long Days Ahead. (long read)

[Wolf]

Whats up people.

 

So here I am, finally registered after about a week of reading everyone's stories. I feel compelled to share my own because, well, not only does misery love company, but perhaps, on some level, writing it down will make this all make sense in my own head.

 

I'll try to keep this as brief as I possibly can, though it has been one heck of a Summer for me.

 

I graduated from Law School in May, and began studying for the Bar Exam shortly thereafter. On July 2nd, I received a random friend request on myspace that I originally thought was one of those spambots. It wasn't. It was her, the single most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on. And apparently, she thought I wasn't bad looking either. I just took the compliment and got back to my bar studies.

 

Within a few days, though, the messages became more regular, and eventually, they turned into texts, which turned into phone conversations. Within a week we were talking for 3-4 hours every night. About everything. Her day, my day, our lives.

 

She had quite a colorful past. I, on the other hand, pretty boring. She was a victim of sexual abuse, and severe mental abuse from both of her parents. As a teenager, she turned to alcohol and drugs to such an extent that it caused her to have chronic kidney disease now, in her mid-20s. She has had several suicide attempts, the latest being one a few weeks before she met me, which put her in the hospital for quite awhile.

 

I stayed away from drugs and alcohol, but I have my own demons. Mainly, I battle depression, anxiety, and severe self-esteem issues. Other than that, I had a pretty normal life. I'd say even a successful one at that.

 

So, while talking to her, her past somewhat concerned me, but I saw the person she was, and not who she may have been. Hey, everyone deserves a clean slate, right?

 

Our text/email/phone tryst continued up until the Bar Exam. There were 2 major incidents during that time period. The first involved her being drunk and getting "molested" by another female, to which she cried all night over the phone about. We got passed it. The second was a much bigger issue, when she found out she was pregnant. It was conceived 2 weeks before we met, and she decided not to keep it. Although I disagreed with her decision, I supported her, and only asked that she in contact with the father. She told me she did.

 

So, after the Bar Exam, I headed back to my apartment, 200 miles away, to finally meet this girl who had, at this point, already told me she loved me. And truthfully? I loved her too. And I know the stigma attached, but I truly did. Wholeheartedly.

 

Our first date was miserable. We ate dinner, and it was great. There was some nervousness, but no big deal. After dinner, she said we needed to go pick up her friend from the bar. I reluctantly agreed, disappointed that I wouldn't have her to myself that night. So, we dropped off my car, and she proceeded to bring me to a strip club.

 

Yes. On our first date, she took me to a strip club.

 

Now a lot of guys might think this was awesome, but I'm not that guy. So, needless to say, I voiced my objection once we got there, and after a beer and a smoke, asked that we leave. We did, her drunken lesbian friend in tow, back to my place. They left, because they were "tired," and I proceeded to get text messages all night from her, because she was drunk and apparently I was a judgmental uptight jerk.

 

Next day, I woke up around 4pm, and packed my things to leave. A storm blew in, so I waited it out. When I walked outside, she was there. We talked about things, and the whole thing ended up being just a giant communication breakdown. It was, obviously not a dealbreaker, though, in hindsight, perhaps it should have been. I loved her though. So I carried on.

 

Second day, she leaves my place that morning, and says she's bringing the friend to the tattoo parlor. I said cool, and started my day. A little while later, she texts me saying she's bored, so I made a joke...literally, a joke... that she better not get any tattoos that would mess up that beautiful body of hers. ANNNND, she flipped out. Apparently, I was judgmental again. I was everything she hated. I wasn't who she thought I was, and she "fell in love with a ghost." I was a hateful bigot who didn't like her friend because she was gay, I probably didn't like black people, and all I did was judge others because I was so high on myself.

 

It hurt. So I went to her place this time.

 

Once again, we talked it over, and she came back. After that, though, it was never the same. She stayed for three days, until she'd tell me that "something's missing," only to leave again. Then, I'd leave town, she'd ask me to come back, only to say "it's not you, it's me," before I'd leave again. Then, I'd left again, only for her to come back and say "I want to do everything I can to make this work."

 

While all of this sounds negative, don't get me wrong, on the days when we were "on," we were on. It was ecstacy. There was nothing quite like it ever before, and I'm not sure there will ever be anything like it again. We were compatible in every way, other than those doubts she had that kept creeping up. At this point, I thought the doubts would be put to rest. I loved her, and she loved me, so we'd make it through this.

 

I was wrong.

 

She had mentioned before that her boss at work had been making comments to her that she felt weren't appropriate. Finally, he crossed the line by putting his hands on her. I told her I'd have a talk with him, but she insisted that she'd handle it.

 

On a Tuesday, she came over to my place and we talked for awhile. She told me how she loved me, how nobody would ever love her like I did, and that I was her best friend. She said she wanted me to marry her one day.

 

I believed her. At 28 years old, I gave her my virginity that night. I was saving it for marriage, but at this point, in that moment, it all seemed so real.

 

Wednesday was great. She kept getting text messages from her boss, but I thought nothing of it. The guy was a creep who wasn't letting her go. She told me where she stood on it, so I trusted her.

 

On Thursday, I, she, and her friend took a roadtrip that lasted most of the afternoon. It was a little awkward, because I was relegated to backseat status, so the radio drowned out most of the conversation. It sucked, to be honest. But, I let it go.

 

After getting back that evening, she said that her and her friend would come over and hang out with me. They did. I ordered a pizza and we watched a movie. The boss starts texting, and she starts laughing at all the "funny stuff he's saying." At this point, I'm not too happy with it, and she admits that she hasn't told him that her and I were back on. Then, she proceeds to leave abruptly.

 

The text messages over the next 4 hours were mostly her saying she didn't know what she wanted, something was still missing, etc. etc. That "it wasn't fair to her or for me" to continue anymore, and that she needed to "let me go."

 

I said I'd feel better dead than without all this crap, and she proceeded to call the police and ems to my place to make sure I hadn't hurt myself... which... was wild, and something I never thought I'd deal with. I ended up just packing my things over the next few days and moving out of state.

 

On the day I left, she told me that I could come see her if I wanted, which was sort of strange phrasing, but I figured it'd be a good chance to get closure. It didn't happen. She talked about her day, I talked about mine, we ended it with "I love you" and parted ways... until her boss walked out. We made eye contact, but I chuckled to myself thinking "I was worried about THIS guy? THIS guy?!"

 

I drove away confidently thinking, y'know, give it time, it can work out.

 

Over the next few days, her texts began ending around 9pm every night. When she did answer, it was short. Even to the extent of "I don't want to text you all the time anymore." Finally, she told me that she needed a break, and since she couldn't pay her cell phone bill, this was the time to do it. I paid her bill anyways (because it's not safe for her to be walking around without a cell phone), and told her I'd talk to her later.

 

That was a month ago. I'm not stupid, so while she never told me she had replaced me with her boss, it's not hard to figure out. 2 plus 2 DOES equal four. It turns my stomach to the point of vomitting when I think about the likelihood that THAT is what is going on. How quickly and easily she replaced me, leaving me with nothing. It's the most pain anyone's ever put me through.

 

Nevertheless, she's still all I think about, all I dream about, and all I want. I've had to go back on anti-depressants because of it. I've lost my career, many friends, and just about everything, and now it seems like I've lost her too, it gets almost unbearable. How could she treat me like this? Man, I stood behind her when no one else did. I gave her my whole heart. She's the first girl I've ever told I loved, among other things. And somehow, she went cold, and has pushed me away.

 

Right now I'm maintaining that NC policy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. I want nothing more than for her to come back, but part of me wonders, am I a glutton for punishment? Maybe there's someone who will treat me better?

 

There probably is. But there's nobody else I want. And that? That's why I can't sleep. That's why, after what was only a few months relationship, will take arguably months to years to "get over." I just wish she'd come back to me. Or show me something. Anything to believe, right?

 

Sorry it was so long. I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this, without the advice being "forget her" or "get drunk." I really don't want to do either.

[xpaperxcutx]

She played you. That's the most bluntest thing I have written on LS and I'm writing it because that was exactly what she had done.

 

There is nothing to remediate unless you want to place yourself back in a position where she pulls and pushes you away and relegate you to " backseat" status. The thing was you fell in love with the person she was in her emails when in real life she's exactly the opposite of someone wonderful. You had problems ( with self- esteem) and she had problems ( from abuse).You unwittingly got involved with someone who had no problem being destructive in their life.

 

If there's one thing you can it is to continue with your medication ( if it helps) and seek therapy just to at least get yourself out of your depression.

 

You have to force yourself to forget her and also forgive yourself for having gotten involved with her.

[revoo]

Interesting story.

 

You will never forget her, but your mind will change, you will see her differently if you let go of her. Live your life. I was left after 5.5 years, its hard.

 

TBH she sounds a bit odd, and it has been only a few months, you dont know her that well, you think you do but you dont.

 

The only advice that anyone can give you is NC, its not the best for the relationship, its the best for YOU. Its not worth to loose your job and friends for someone that doesnt want to be with you. Live your life, if she loves you she will come, or someone else will come, I know you cant think of this right now (same situation), but this is life, and you will only know that it is so, when it happens to you.

 

LIVE YOUR LIFE and try to be happy. Reading, work, hobbies, sport or whatever you like to do, do it. It will be hard, dont take drugs, they dont help. Sometime must go by for you to see things differently, but you will, and for that you must let go of her in some way.

 

I really cant say anything more because I am going trough this to, but this is what I am doing. She will always be there in some way, time will tell how, but you cant make the future you want for anyone else but you.

[Thaddeus]

Xpapercutx has it pretty much spot-on.

 

You were played, my friend. Sounds like she's a master manipulator and you got suckered in.

 

Don't feel bad about it though. Just as virtually every woman can and will fall for the manipulations of a PUA (and the smartest ones, the ones who always say, "I would never fall for such things" are the first to get suckered in), pretty much every man can pass the event horizon of these master manipulators and end up spiralling uncontrollably into the black hole of heartbreak.

 

Now, I know it's pretty inane to suggest "just forget her" because that's not something that's easily done. If it was easy, you'd already have done it and wouldn't be posting here on the boards.

 

All I can suggest is to follow revoo's advice: Start and maintain NC and live your life. Stay social. Keep working hard. Maintain your connections with others. You will get through this. Won't be easy, but you will manage.

[DustySaltus]

The girl was definetly a stripper at some point, am I correct?

 

I came up with 5 red flags right off the bat:

 

1. She got pregnant a few weeks before you were talking, no sane woman would bounce back that quickly, no way.

 

2. Abuse Issues

 

3. "Don't want to text anymore, it costs too much" Translation: If you want to keep talking, pay my bills.

 

4. Can't take a joke, overreacts right away. Product of #2.

 

5. Hung out with her "boss" without missing a beat.

 

On top of that you are playing taxi for her friend on the first date when you should be getting to know each other, c'mon man.

 

This chick is bad news. You should feel like you did anything wrong or have low self esteem when it comes to this woman. There's nothing you can do to save this woman from herself. Focus on your career and family and I promise you that you will meet someone in the future that will make you look back at this situation and shake your head. Good luck.

[GrayClouds]

You wanted to be her knight in shinning armour and save her from herself. Very romantic but she does not want to be saved.

 

She is not even compatible with you and your beliefs...It sad but right now she is a train wreck who took you for a exciting ride.

 

I suspect your looking to become a Public Attorney or environmental lawyer- going to save the world? Fantastic, we need more good one on our side, but save your efforts for someone who wants the help.

[john1988]

Whatever you do, do not ask yourself why and how, you will get nowhere with someone who has mental issues. Keep yourself busy and move forward.

[Maxwell Sage]

Man.

 

The situation I'm in is similar in many aspects.

I had almost always felt a strong sense of emptiness though my life was more than enjoyable on a superficial level. This was until I met my now ex, directly after giving up on finding someone worth caring about. I pretty much lost my virginity to her and she was the first and so far only woman I've ever given my heart to. I literally felt as if life were a dream during the beginning of our relationship. My ex had gone through every thing your ex had, as far as prior emotional problems goes. My ex suffered from bipolar disorder and I get a very strong sense that yours did as well.

It's very tough when you're in love with someone who suffers from this condition. On some nights, life feels like a dream. During others, you feel as though all you want is for her to be gone. With this being said, I can assure you that I'm having an extremely difficult time deciding my stance on my break up. At times I'm excited by the thought of being with someone who won't put me through such emotional stress. However, the majority of my thoughts are spent on how amazing things were when they happened to be going well.

My ex and I lasted and lived together for a little over two and a half years... After she moved away she maintained that she still had feelings for me to some extent, and that there was at least a bit of hope for us... Two weeks after our last vacation together, she casually mentioned that she was looking for a boyfriend with whom she could relate to and had specific sexual chemistry with... This made me feel shattered... I immediately went on mood boosters in order to get through excruciating days. Within a few sentences delivered over AIM, I lost my best friend, the only girl I had ever loved, and the best sexual partner I could ever ask for... The girl had been propositioned to be a model many, many times but never pursued it because she had enough emotional depth to look down confining her life to being an object...

I continued talking to her, hoping that things might work out... All the while going through severe emotional pain... Until a month and a half down the line she admits that she's been hiding her new boyfriend from me for over a month... I almost died.

Now I'm here to relate and hopefully cheer others up through comparison of situations. heh

Knowing that I don't have to see her or have any contact with her helps, yet every time her face pops up in my mind... I need to go for a walk or something...

 

I hope you feel better.

Though I still feel like utter ****, I must admit that I'm doing significantly better than I was during the day after she broke the news to me...

[Wolf]

I had written out personal responses to each and everyone of you who had responded so far, but then Firefox crashed and I lost it all.

 

So, I'll just say this:

 

I was really nervous about posting here in the first place, but you guys (and gals) are a truly one of a kind support network. I have struggled so hard with NC for the past few days, and everytime I feel myself struggling, I come read your comments.

 

To clear things up, no, she was not a stripper to my knowledge, and yes, Grayclouds, the whole "hero" thing is something I've thought a lot about. I think that's pretty spot on.

 

Although I don't know if she played me intentionally, it's in the past now. As you all have said, keep busy and move forward. With any luck, I will.

 

If she contacts me (after her and used car salesman break up, which is inevitable when he finds out half the stuff about her that I know), what do I do? Should I tell her I want to remain NC if that is the case?

 

Sorry it's all hypothetical, realistically, she's not coming back... but my mind racks up hypos all the time.

 

 

And to all of you going through something similar, I'm truly sorry. My heart breaks for y'all. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

[batinhell66]

NC if she contacts you.

I know this sort of girl. Messed up, uses men, but very attractive and charming in her own way.

It's strange because some key events in your cold ex-girlfriend timeline mirrors mine: Technically my current bf and I met at a strip club, he mentioned a similar "joke" about my tattoos which subsequently saddened me, my past is laden with drug and alcohol abuse with a mention of sexual abuse, I used to be pretty damn cold (because of my job, though), and my boss also indirectly hit on me, which infuriated my boyfriend.

However, the random myspace thing is kind of strange. I wonder if she went looking specifically for "law student" or something. $$?

I can't stress this enough: You cannot save someone that doesn't want to be saved. (Basically what GrayClouds said)

She's made it absolutely clear.

I think you should direct your focus on all her negative traits, if you do need to focus on her. Realize that she isn't a complete person yet, and doesn't know what she wants ultimately. Attempted suicide, pregnancy, possible cheating...this all requires a very strong individual. Think of it this way: If you can do the whole no contact thing, you prove to yourself that you are a strong individual that does not lack perseverance. If you do decide to pursue similar girls in the future (not recommended, but...), you'll be better suited to deal with this sort of thing.

As for the sleeping problem, try getting a sleeping pill prescription for something like Ambien, or similar. Just try not to get addicted, or mix it with other drugs, Heath Ledger-style.

Repetitious discussion, whether it's emotional or analytical, helps immensely, more so than alcohol so you need not worry. Just keep posting or find a sounding board-friend/family member/therapist.

Remember, if she calls, don't answer. She's another guy's/girl's problem now.

[DustySaltus]

I had written out personal responses to each and everyone of you who had responded so far, but then Firefox crashed and I lost it all.

 

So, I'll just say this:

 

I was really nervous about posting here in the first place, but you guys (and gals) are a truly one of a kind support network. I have struggled so hard with NC for the past few days, and everytime I feel myself struggling, I come read your comments.

 

To clear things up, no, she was not a stripper to my knowledge, and yes, Grayclouds, the whole "hero" thing is something I've thought a lot about. I think that's pretty spot on.

 

Although I don't know if she played me intentionally, it's in the past now. As you all have said, keep busy and move forward. With any luck, I will.

 

If she contacts me (after her and used car salesman break up, which is inevitable when he finds out half the stuff about her that I know), what do I do? Should I tell her I want to remain NC if that is the case?

 

Sorry it's all hypothetical, realistically, she's not coming back... but my mind racks up hypos all the time.

 

 

And to all of you going through something similar, I'm truly sorry. My heart breaks for y'all. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

Hey wolf, I caught a typo in my post, you shouldn't feel like you did anything wrong, I hope you caught that.

 

The reason why I asked you if she was a stripper is because as others have said she like a pretty seasoned goldigger and she had put on a good show for a little while.

 

The whole point if going NC is to heal yourself. Don't tell her you are going NC, just do it and never speak to her again. I know it's hard but trust me it will help you much more than trying to figure out or reconcile with this woman. good luck.