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Should I cut it completely?


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Things have been pretty rocky with my boyfriend, as of recently we fight so much and all the time. I tell him all the time that he doesn't treat me right, I'm tired of him yelling at me and always blaming everything on me. I guess 4 days ago my eyes saw things in a different light when I had a massive breakdown due to my fathers passing away a few months ago, instead of him hugging me consoling me doing anything to help really he made me feel a million times worst! Crying my eyes out I turned to him to ask him what was wrong and he said, "Don't you think I worry about my family and myself, don't you think I know that could happen to me." I couldn't believe he managed to flip it on me so that I would comfort him, it always goes back to him. Well as much as I love him that hurt so bad that I asked him for time the next day, he agreed but contacted me at night to apologize and say he would try to stop attacking me and treat me right. I said that was fine but that I was tired of crying and getting hurt so I asked him for some space until he can change and be good to me. I said that if he can't then I'd have to go my own way but that in the end if he really wanted this we would be... Well its been 3 days we have not seen eachother and I feel like i'm dying inside from missing him so much, he has not tried contacting me and it only makes me feel as though he doesn't care. I'm tired of crying and staring at my phone. I know I asked for space but it was only because I want him to change for the better not because I want to be apart from him. I can't stop thinking that he is not calling me because maybe he doesn't want to continue being with me...should I just let go? Same sad story huh? It just hurts and most friends will always say the same thing....just leave with no explanation and not thinking about it.

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You need to figure out what you really want, and how to communicate that to people. Don't tell someone to give you space if you really don't want them to go away. Sure, I understand your thinking, maybe it means he doesn't even care that he isn't seeing you right now. But there's just as likely a chance that he is staying away because you told him to stay away! Look at it from his perspective, how is he ever supposed to please you? He's trying to do exactly what you asked him to do, and now you're sitting there doubting his love because of it.

 

Imagine if you DID really want space, and he kept calling and bothering you, then you wouldn't be happy either.

 

Frankly, in a problem that involves two people, "space" is never the answer. It seems like girls like this idea so much more than guys. What is "space" going to prove about whether or not he can treat you better? The only way you can find it is by spending time together.

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Thomas X Forever
"Don't you think I worry about my family and myself, don't you think I know that could happen to me."

 

 

Didn't need to read past that. Narcissist. I promise this on my life. Run as fast as you can, you're a puppet to him. A tool

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You asked for space and he's giving it to you. He's also not going to change much in a few days, this you need to know. Take this time and figure out for yourself what is best for you. Make a list of all the negative aspects of the relationship on one side, on the other go with the positve. See which weighs more. Sorry about your loss, my father was buried a week ago today. Take care! :)

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You asked for space and he's giving it to you.

 

Exactly. It's typical female behavior (ok some males too) to tell him to go away, and then sit there wishing he would call you. This is the type of backwards communication that guys generally do not pick up on. You told him you needed space, period. He didn't walk away thinking "hmm... I bet she really wants me to call her in a few days". Girls tend to think it's so "obvious" what they really want, that even though you told him to scram, you're really asking for his love. But guys don't work that way.

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I'm really sorry to hear that believe me when I tell you I know its a nightmare, my condolences to you and your family. And with that I am trying to figure out if this is even right for me...

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But I did tell him that the last thing I want is to break up or be away from him but if he can't treat me better that I wanted my space...maybe that's him telling me he is not going to?

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Didn't need to read past that. Narcissist. I promise this on my life. Run as fast as you can, you're a puppet to him. A tool
Not everything is so black and white. You have to remember, before labeling someone you don't know, there are two sides to every story. What IF during her breakdown she said something to the effect of.."you don't and will never know how I feel"..? That could of very well been his reply..not saying that's the case by any means but, I am throwing it out there. :cool:
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Thomas X Forever

I know it's not normally black and white. In this scenario, though, the way he worded it, in the context and situation he did, is narcissistic to the maximum. Text book black and white.

 

Take my word for it, I am not wrong.

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What IF during her breakdown she said something to the effect of.."you don't and will never know how I feel"..? That could of very well been his reply..not saying that's the case by any means but, I am throwing it out there. :cool:

 

I know that could easily come to mind but I made sure through the pain and tears to not say you have no idea what I am going through. Here is why my father was diabetic, my boyfriends father is diabetic and so is he. I always worry about him but I feel that in that situation I needed to be consoled but it turns out I had to do that for him at that specific moment???

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Thomas X Forever

addy, listen to me. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU. If you DIED today, he would only view it as how it would affect HIM.

 

Google how to cut off a narcissist. YOU NEED THIS NOW. You're at a dead end.

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Things have been pretty rocky with my boyfriend, as of recently we fight so much and all the time. I tell him all the time that he doesn't treat me right, I'm tired of him yelling at me and always blaming everything on me. I guess 4 days ago my eyes saw things in a different light when I had a massive breakdown due to my fathers passing away a few months ago, instead of him hugging me consoling me doing anything to help really he made me feel a million times worst! Crying my eyes out I turned to him to ask him what was wrong and he said, "Don't you think I worry about my family and myself, don't you think I know that could happen to me." I couldn't believe he managed to flip it on me so that I would comfort him, it always goes back to him. Well as much as I love him that hurt so bad that I asked him for time the next day, he agreed but contacted me at night to apologize and say he would try to stop attacking me and treat me right. I said that was fine but that I was tired of crying and getting hurt so I asked him for some space until he can change and be good to me. I said that if he can't then I'd have to go my own way but that in the end if he really wanted this we would be... Well its been 3 days we have not seen eachother and I feel like i'm dying inside from missing him so much, he has not tried contacting me and it only makes me feel as though he doesn't care. I'm tired of crying and staring at my phone. I know I asked for space but it was only because I want him to change for the better not because I want to be apart from him. I can't stop thinking that he is not calling me because maybe he doesn't want to continue being with me...should I just let go? Same sad story huh? It just hurts and most friends will always say the same thing....just leave with no explanation and not thinking about it.

 

My dear friend,

 

Your story really hit home for me so excuse me if I get emotional as I write this. I was in a serious 3-year relationship with a woman who reminds me of your boyfriend. When I was 32 years old, my dad died. I was extremely close to my dad so this was the most devastating thing that had ever happened in my life. And while my family and I were dealing with this devastation, I saw a side of my girlfriend that in hindsight was absolutely mortifying.

 

She was not supportive. She was not sympathetic. When he was hospitalized, she did not want to visit him, call him, or so much as send him a $1.50 Hallmark greeting card. The day we found out he was in serious trouble and would have to be sedated, she decided to go river rafting with her friends instead of coming to the hospital with me. When I found out he died, I called her 2 hours after getting the news, and after being sympathetic for about 2 minutes, she started an argument with me about when the funeral was going to be and whether it would conflict with her work schedule. (I had no idea when the funeral was going to be. I hadn't really thought about it yet. He had just died TWO HOURS AGO. And why am I ARGUING with someone on the phone when my dad just died? Am I in the twilight zone?)

 

Your boyfriend is no different than that woman. Sometimes in life, relationships are subjected to tests so you can see whether your partner is really the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. But let me tell you something: your father dying was not a "test." Your father dying was the VERY PURPOSE for which relationships are put to the test in the first place. A pilot is "tested" on learning how to fly an airplane. But when he's in the air and the plane is going down and hundreds of lives are at stake, it's not a "test" anymore. It's do, or die, for lack of a better word. The analogy fits here: When your father dies, or when any life-altering event takes place, your partner is supposed to be there with you 100% of the way. Failing that standard does not lead to the two of you "working on it for next time". It doesn't lead to "seeing if he will learn and improve". If he fails that standard for an event like that, HE SERVES NO PURPOSE IN YOUR LIFE. He contributes nothing. He has proven himself to be an utter and complete FAILURE. There is absolutely nothing you can gain by staying with him. If he can't help and support you when your dad died, why would you expect him to support you when much LESS devastating things happen to you?

 

Life for all of us always has its ups and downs. You want someone to be there for both. Your boyfriend had his chance to show what he was made of, and he failed.

 

Please. Please. Please... leave this man. He's not the one for you.

 

(And yes, I did leave that woman. Best decision of my life.)

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My dear friend,

 

Your story really hit home for me so excuse me if I get emotional as I write this. I was in a serious 3-year relationship with a woman who reminds me of your boyfriend. When I was 32 years old, my dad died. I was extremely close to my dad so this was the most devastating thing that had ever happened in my life. And while my family and I were dealing with this devastation, I saw a side of my girlfriend that in hindsight was absolutely mortifying.

 

She was not supportive. She was not sympathetic. When he was hospitalized, she did not want to visit him, call him, or so much as send him a $1.50 Hallmark greeting card. The day we found out he was in serious trouble and would have to be sedated, she decided to go river rafting with her friends instead of coming to the hospital with me. When I found out he died, I called her 2 hours after getting the news, and after being sympathetic for about 2 minutes, she started an argument with me about when the funeral was going to be and whether it would conflict with her work schedule. (I had no idea when the funeral was going to be. I hadn't really thought about it yet. He had just died TWO HOURS AGO. And why am I ARGUING with someone on the phone when my dad just died? Am I in the twilight zone?)

 

Your boyfriend is no different than that woman. Sometimes in life, relationships are subjected to tests so you can see whether your partner is really the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. But let me tell you something: your father dying was not a "test." Your father dying was the VERY PURPOSE for which relationships are put to the test in the first place. A pilot is "tested" on learning how to fly an airplane. But when he's in the air and the plane is going down and hundreds of lives are at stake, it's not a "test" anymore. It's do, or die, for lack of a better word. The analogy fits here: When your father dies, or when any life-altering event takes place, your partner is supposed to be there with you 100% of the way. Failing that standard does not lead to the two of you "working on it for next time". It doesn't lead to "seeing if he will learn and improve". If he fails that standard for an event like that, HE SERVES NO PURPOSE IN YOUR LIFE. He contributes nothing. He has proven himself to be an utter and complete FAILURE. There is absolutely nothing you can gain by staying with him. If he can't help and support you when your dad died, why would you expect him to support you when much LESS devastating things happen to you?

 

Life for all of us always has its ups and downs. You want someone to be there for both. Your boyfriend had his chance to show what he was made of, and he failed.

 

Please. Please. Please... leave this man. He's not the one for you.

 

(And yes, I did leave that woman. Best decision of my life.)

 

First and foremost my condolences because believe me when I tell you that I know that days, weeks, months and perhaps even years may pass and the pain in your chest never goes away...it just learns to deal with the pain. reading your relpy brought tears to my eyes because I was daddys little girl...the bond between me and my father was surreal. I still cry every night and not one day goes by in which I don't think about him or miss him.

 

The way you felt with "that woman," is somewhat similar to how I felt with my boyfriend that day, but it wasn't always like this. When my father passed away he was the first person I called and he came to my house as soon as I let him seeing as how my father passed away here in my home unexpectedly from a heart attack unexpectedly, my family and I just layed next to him till the people from the morgue came to take him away.

 

Those days my boyfriend was beyond supportive, he was with me everyday he took my family and I wherever we needed to be, he gave my mother a thousand dollars to help out with whatever he could, he stayed with me till I fell asleep everynight...now that months have passed things are somewhat starting to go back to normal (as if normal is ever possible anymore...whatever that may be) but the pain is just as strong and sometimes stronger. I cry unexpectedly I feel like my life is over and his support isn't as it once was, I do not expect what I once got from him but sometimes all you need is a hug ( you may know what I mean). That day that is all I wanted and clearly I didnt get it.

 

I love this person so much that as days pass my heart hurts more and more but there isnt much I can do. I do not want to leave him but I feel I should get better treatment from him...I dont expect much all I want is his company and love. I'm wishing with all my might he will call me and see that he is not acting right but if the call never calls I guess I have no choice but to let this love go.

 

I'm really sorry for everything you went through, there was no way I could possibly imagine what that pain was until I endured it...

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Thomas X Forever

Ah, another telltale sign of narcissism. He changed once he "hooked" you. He was super supportive, etc., to get you hooked, then he changed.

 

This is so text book that it's almost funny.

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Ah, another telltale sign of narcissism. He changed once he "hooked" you. He was super supportive, etc., to get you hooked, then he changed.

 

This is so text book that it's almost funny.

 

I'm afraid not one word Thomas has said in this thread has been inaccurate. I agree with him 100 percent.

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First and foremost my condolences because believe me when I tell you that I know that days, weeks, months and perhaps even years may pass and the pain in your chest never goes away...it just learns to deal with the pain. reading your relpy brought tears to my eyes because I was daddys little girl...the bond between me and my father was surreal. I still cry every night and not one day goes by in which I don't think about him or miss him.

 

The way you felt with "that woman," is somewhat similar to how I felt with my boyfriend that day, but it wasn't always like this. When my father passed away he was the first person I called and he came to my house as soon as I let him seeing as how my father passed away here in my home unexpectedly from a heart attack unexpectedly, my family and I just layed next to him till the people from the morgue came to take him away.

 

Those days my boyfriend was beyond supportive, he was with me everyday he took my family and I wherever we needed to be, he gave my mother a thousand dollars to help out with whatever he could, he stayed with me till I fell asleep everynight...now that months have passed things are somewhat starting to go back to normal (as if normal is ever possible anymore...whatever that may be) but the pain is just as strong and sometimes stronger. I cry unexpectedly I feel like my life is over and his support isn't as it once was, I do not expect what I once got from him but sometimes all you need is a hug ( you may know what I mean). That day that is all I wanted and clearly I didnt get it.

 

I love this person so much that as days pass my heart hurts more and more but there isnt much I can do. I do not want to leave him but I feel I should get better treatment from him...I dont expect much all I want is his company and love. I'm wishing with all my might he will call me and see that he is not acting right but if the call never calls I guess I have no choice but to let this love go.

 

I'm really sorry for everything you went through, there was no way I could possibly imagine what that pain was until I endured it...

 

I'm also very sorry for your loss. Obviously you and I have been through something that people who have not have trouble grasping.

 

I do think that this is a pretty clear cut situation. If someone can't be supportive of you during the worst time of your life, there are no second chances.

 

I was thinking yours was a pretty bad situation simply when you told us that he "yells" at you all the time, before I even went on to read about your dad. The verbal abuse is reason alone to leave him. You deserve better.

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broken_promises

I have just gone through the same thing myself (not sure to end it, but eventually we broke up) and TRUST ME, you should stay broken up. You are wasting more time on him than he deserves at this point. It took my ex-b/f not calling me the night we broke up (and in the week since) to realize he just could care less about me. I actually read "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and it helped me SO MUCH. I'd definitely recommend it.

 

Anyway - I'm sorry you are going through this. The self-doubt is the worst part I think because we start to miss the person so much and remember all the good. And the bad parts start to fade away, which makes your mind go sort of crazy.

 

Stay strong.

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