Dave7788 Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 Hi, Don't mean to barge in like this but I'm extremely upset here, need some help/advice and can't really wait much longer.... Here's the problem. I met a girl using an online dating service at the end of November. We engaged in a torrid intimate relationship until New Year's. Here's the background - I'm 39, she's 37 and a widow of 9 months, no children. I'm the first man she's been with since her husband's death - so she's told me. We really hit it off and had a great time together. Now that the holidays are over, she's broken up with me contending that although she thought she was ready to date again following her husbands death she was wrong. She now claims to be too emotionally distraught to engage in any kind of relationship. I have to take a lot of what she says with a grain of salt because on New Year's Day, she had put her profile back online, this clearly tells me that she wants to date other people. When I asked her about it, she took it offline again. She really led me on... I think she had some needs that required attention, once she got what she wanted, she decided to break off the relationship. I've really fallen for this girl and after analyzing her emails (I can include them if you wish) I think there is a ray of hope that we could continue the relationship at a later time. In many of her messages she said things like, that's the only kind of relationship i can give you right now - with the emphasis on "right now" implying that maybe we could get started up again soon - the door might be still open. Also, we were torrid for about a week before Christmas then she sent me all kinds of stuff saying she wanted to break it off... after battling with her via email and the phone, she sends me an email begging me to chock her behavior up to holiday stress and her cycle. I naturally said OK, (I'm a normal man, I'm not about to throw away something that appeared to be this good). Then as described above she did the same again and it seems she's more serious this time. However, i know she enjoys me tremendously, she's said so on numerous countless occasions.... I don't know what to do, this woman could/could have been the love of my life...What's the best way to handle the situation if I want to get her back ? I know there's tremendous physical attraction between the two of us.... I don't want to be sitting here when I'm 65 saying "Man, I should have done this or I should have done that". Please help. If you want/need additional information let me know. heart-broken :-( Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 Her husband died LESS than a year ago! She doesn't know what she is thinking or feeling yet, or know how to proceed with her own life. She can't make any decisions or commitments right now. She's scared and lonly. Her mind and thoughs are still in turmoil and constantly changing. You don't want to be a fill-in for her late husband, and in the long-run she wouldn't want that either. Even if you talk about this stuff right now, she might not recognize that is what she is doing. I would suggest you find some websites for widows/widowers and read some of their posts - it will help you gain some insight into the grieving process and maybe be able to apply it to this woman. When my sister-in-law died my brother "fell in love with" a whole bunch of women very quickly. He didn't want to be alone. He would break up with one because he knew it was wrong, then "fall" for another. After fiveyears he finally did meet someone and truly fell in love and they have been together nearly 4 years now. You gotta give this woman time. Seriously, check out some grief sites and if you post - be upfront and ask the opinions of those on the board. Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 Its not like she broke up with a long term relationship here...her husband DIED! Link to post Share on other sites
Doug7788 Posted January 8, 2003 Share Posted January 8, 2003 Yes, you're probably correct - I'll study the grieving process and give this woman as much time as she needs. Thank You Link to post Share on other sites
gdadvice99 Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 Doug7788, Not withstanding the fact that your friend suffered a horrific and traumatic event... it's still unfair for her to have led you on physically and emotionally... These types usually continue seeking relationships in an attempt to satisfy their self-centered needs... If she's learned anything in the past year about the grieving process it's to carefully exercise caution, kindness and compassion with new people entering her life and especially with new potentially romantic relationships. If she's a decent person, the last thing she'd try to do is hurt you, no matter how full of grief she is. She might be back, but I'd tell her to get lost. I feel badly for you man... She never should have misled you and from my perspective, she's off to find physical enjoyment with any potential man she's attracted too. gdadvice99 Link to post Share on other sites
Bizzit Posted January 9, 2003 Share Posted January 9, 2003 Originally posted by gdadvice99 Doug7788, Not withstanding the fact that your friend suffered a horrific and traumatic event... it's still unfair for her to have led you on physically and emotionally... These types usually continue seeking relationships in an attempt to satisfy their self-centered needs... If she's learned anything in the past year about the grieving process it's to carefully exercise caution, kindness and compassion with new people entering her life and especially with new potentially romantic relationships. If she's a decent person, the last thing she'd try to do is hurt you, no matter how full of grief she is. She might be back, but I'd tell her to get lost. I feel badly for you man... She never should have misled you and from my perspective, she's off to find physical enjoyment with any potential man she's attracted too. gdadvice99 I agree Link to post Share on other sites
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