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Caught him on Facebook chatting with his crush.


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broken_promises

I've posted a few times now. Sum up: Together 3 years with a commitment phobe, in the beginning process of talking about not being together, lots of mixed messages, etc. Recently, he got on Facebook and took our already tentative situation and made it worse. He is having a total Facebook midlife crisis. He is talking to an ex and, more threatening, a crush - both from high school.

 

Up until now, I only had his computer history to go on that shows he has visited her page a bunch and the crush's Facebook page (which isn't private.) I can see the things he has written on her public "wall" and, with my boyfriend, his tactic to show he has interest in someone is to be really caring, enamoured, attentive, compassionate, interesting, etc. I mean, he's not the sexual flirting type but the tell me all about your problems/you're amazing type.

 

So, like I said, up until now I had only a vague idea that he was getting close to her and, in internet history, you can't see who inbox messages are from but you can see the message titles. So, again, no conclusive evidence but one of the message titles from today was "tonight..."

 

Well, tonight... I went up to his office to ask him a question and as I left I peeked back in and he had turned to his computer and brought up the Facebook message and started typing and I could see her picture. So, now I know that they were talking back and forth AND it seems they could have planned it for "tonight."

 

So, I was angry but I am holding it in. I don't want to end up being the psycho girlfriend who flips out and he will swear she is just a friend and I should be okay with it... blah blah blah.

 

Here is my dilemma: We are not broken up yet, but I am upset that he can't seem to wait to talk to this girl until we officially break things off. I am living with him and I am graduating from college in a week. (I'm 33 btw... an adult student and this is a major accomplishment for me and he has been there with me through it all.) I do want him to be there at graduation. We are both sort of putting things on hold regarding the breakup until after school is finished for me. But I'm having SUCH a hard time not totally blowing our agreed upon postponement of discussions because of what I saw tonight with him on Facebook.

 

I want to leave graciously. I want to do it on my terms. I don't feel like making the breakup harder by dragging what he is doing with this girl into the picture. BUT I'M SO ****ING ANGRY!!! And hurt, of course. Like, he is already setting up someone before I'm even gone. I hate that.

 

So, do I just keep things even keel for the time being? I shouldn't confront him, right? Thanks for listening.

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animalthing

Take your deep breaths and keep going until graduation. Even after graduation, try not to let on that you care that much about the facebook thing. That may set him off into getting defensive. If it does come up, don't yell at him and just accept his response to it unless you have reasons to do otherwise. Focus on the important issues when you have your discussion. Those being the ones that are at the core of any problems you two have.

 

If you do get anxious or angry, try to just stop and remove yourself from the state of mind. You should be excited for graduation. This is a major turning point in your life and you should be proud of yourself. Good luck.

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Wait until after your graduation.... if you must. I can understand this as it's a huge upheaval. But, if it was me, I wouldn't want someone who had disrespected me so much to be present at the most important time in my life. In fact, I wouldn't want him there at all. But that's me. I can be quite harsh with these things.

 

Then after graduation... don't have a discussion, just tell him to leave. Simple as that.

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broken_promises

Thanks for the replies. It helps to calm down. And you are right... I need to wait until after graduation and even then, I don't really think I want to discuss Facebook. I agree that the breakup should focus on the core issues and how to leave first. I feel like everything he is doing on Facebook is just distracting me and consuming me. And yeah, it would just put him on the defensive - the discussions we have had already have done that.

 

Thanks again.

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I've posted a few times now. Sum up: Together 3 years with a commitment phobe, in the beginning process of talking about not being together, lots of mixed messages, etc. Recently, he got on Facebook and took our already tentative situation and made it worse. He is having a total Facebook midlife crisis. He is talking to an ex and, more threatening, a crush - both from high school.

 

Up until now, I only had his computer history to go on that shows he has visited her page a bunch and the crush's Facebook page (which isn't private.) I can see the things he has written on her public "wall" and, with my boyfriend, his tactic to show he has interest in someone is to be really caring, enamoured, attentive, compassionate, interesting, etc. I mean, he's not the sexual flirting type but the tell me all about your problems/you're amazing type.

 

So, like I said, up until now I had only a vague idea that he was getting close to her and, in internet history, you can't see who inbox messages are from but you can see the message titles. So, again, no conclusive evidence but one of the message titles from today was "tonight..."

 

Well, tonight... I went up to his office to ask him a question and as I left I peeked back in and he had turned to his computer and brought up the Facebook message and started typing and I could see her picture. So, now I know that they were talking back and forth AND it seems they could have planned it for "tonight."

 

So, I was angry but I am holding it in. I don't want to end up being the psycho girlfriend who flips out and he will swear she is just a friend and I should be okay with it... blah blah blah.

 

Here is my dilemma: We are not broken up yet, but I am upset that he can't seem to wait to talk to this girl until we officially break things off. I am living with him and I am graduating from college in a week. (I'm 33 btw... an adult student and this is a major accomplishment for me and he has been there with me through it all.) I do want him to be there at graduation. We are both sort of putting things on hold regarding the breakup until after school is finished for me. But I'm having SUCH a hard time not totally blowing our agreed upon postponement of discussions because of what I saw tonight with him on Facebook.

 

I want to leave graciously. I want to do it on my terms. I don't feel like making the breakup harder by dragging what he is doing with this girl into the picture. BUT I'M SO ****ING ANGRY!!! And hurt, of course. Like, he is already setting up someone before I'm even gone. I hate that.

 

So, do I just keep things even keel for the time being? I shouldn't confront him, right? Thanks for listening.

 

Broken, I am so sorry for your pain. You and I have so many similarities in our situation...I too am graduating..as you know from another thread. Although my XBF wasn't really a big part of my schooling, this was still going to be a big weekend, as he was to meet my family who is flying in for it. I too am older, I am 36, divorced, and a mother to 2 boys....

 

My discovery of my XBF chatting it up with someone on FB really hit me hard. We were already broken up, BUT, had were speaking of one day reconciling...as he mentioned that he had hope for us in the future as did I. Just 1 week later, all hope on his end was gone...I could sense something was going on, but yet, still held out hope, up until I found out that yes, in fact, he plans on pursuing a relationship with this other woman...

 

She is an old friend, someone he said he has known for years. Maybe there was some sort of attraction then, but still. It hurts, after everything he said to me.

 

Like many here, with your big weekend coming up, I would focus on that. I know it's hard. I was not excited for my graduation up until this week...as if I needed him to validate me! NO WAY! This is something that WE both worked very hard for and earned! We should be proud.

 

If I was in your situation, I would probably react differently. I would confront him, as I am the type of person who wants answers now...but with the weekend coming up, and you both agreeing to hold off until graduation, that might be the best thing. I tend to jump the gun with things sometimes, and it has ended badly. But at the same time, I wanted to be respected and feel respected, and sort of take the ball back into my court. I can imagine you may be walking around on those EGG SHELLS that Nikki mentioned on the other thread...It is so unfair, but with your current situation, it might have to be just until your big day has passed. But please know, you deserve better!!! You deserve so much more, and what he is doing is very selfish IMHO.

 

Hang in there! Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through...time to focus on you...and think about YOU, and what YOU want...

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broken_promises

Thanks, again, for the encouraging words LadyV. I have felt better knowing that we have these same painful similarities.

 

I think I just need to find a way to hold on until after graduation (and then his birthday, which is just after graduation) to get to the moving out/moving on stage. It is just so hard when every minute of every day seems like a struggle to not talk about this or confront him or check his Facebook crush's page for what he has written to her or blah blah blah.

 

I am trying to think about the future and my plans. I realize that this relationship has basically been a giant detour for me from what I was trying to accomplish in my life. While it has been wonderful and he is a great guy, I still have to find a way to shift my focus onto what I need to do for myself. I mean, he is obviously doing that right now with Facebook, trying to get back into drumming, thinking about selling his business, etc.

 

My problem is, like you, I always want to bring up issues RIGHT NOW and my emotions really do rule my actions. It's a trait I am trying to change because it often backfires on me. Anyway - hopefully we can keep track of each other to get through the next couple of weeks on here!

 

Thanks again.

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I am trying to think about the future and my plans. I realize that this relationship has basically been a giant detour for me from what I was trying to accomplish in my life. While it has been wonderful and he is a great guy, I still have to find a way to shift my focus onto what I need to do for myself. I mean, he is obviously doing that right now with Facebook, trying to get back into drumming, thinking about selling his business, etc.

 

 

I honestly see what you are saying. I am there too. It has been almost 2 years since my divorce and still, and school was something that I wanted to finish. I didn't let my divorce bring me down. Then I meet XBF, and could see right away where there would hindrances in where I want to go...He freaked out at the possibility of me moving out of state, although that won't happen for years down the road. I told him that things need to be looked at one day at a time, but for him it was almost like he wanted to plan a future right away. This got the best of me, and I found myself wanting to accomidate him. How stupid. I am not going to let anyone get in the way of my dreams...XH, XB, or BF's for that matter. The only thing that will affect me with be my kids, they come first of course.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have not crept XBF's site since I last checked it on Tuesday. Then today, I commented on a local DJ's site on a picture, and BAMM!!! She commented too. I saw her face and imediately wanted to throw up, but then thought...wow...she is in for a real treat with this one!!! Lets see just how much she will be willing to take!

 

I asked XBF to block me when we were still in contact a month ago. The only way I was able to look at his site was through a friend, and that is what I did. No more though. I will NOT do that to myself, especially when they are gushing about what a fantastic weekend the two of them had! BLAH! Whatever!

 

I will be keeping you in my thoughts, and checking this site often during the weekend...I am on it constantly as it has been my support. Try to keep your cool, and your emotions under control. I'm one to talk because I tend to freak out!!! But, I know you have a lot ahead of you, and will be thinking about you and know that yes, I am going through the same thing you are...as much as it sucks, I am there too! You will get through this! I promise!!!

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broken_promises
He freaked out at the possibility of me moving out of state, although that won't happen for years down the road. I told him that things need to be looked at one day at a time, but for him it was almost like he wanted to plan a future right away. This got the best of me, and I found myself wanting to accomidate him. How stupid.

 

Same exact thing here. Sort of a trademark of commitment phobes. In the beginning, my BF freaked out at my MySpace, at a male friend of mine, and wanted to know "what my intentions were" regarding our future, marriage, etc. He wanted to do this all within a couple of months of our relationship. He said that he worked out of his house and he could go anywhere I went for school and grad school. He proclaimed how he wanted to be the one to support me (not financially, necessarily... just support me in my school and work endeavors) and sell his house and move somewhere together. Travel. In the first two months, he whisked me off to Germany. Guess what? Other than a friend's wedding we went to a couple of months later, we have not gone anywhere else in the rest of our three years.

 

Ugh. I hate the laying it on thick. I think commitment phobes are into it until YOU start wanting to plan a future... and then they retreat HARD. And I hate all of the time I spent thinking that things will improve and waiting and putting plans on hold or changing them for his timeline. And I really hate that I ended up gaining a ton of weight and getting into a terrible depression because of all of this. (Which, of course, I end up using as why he stopped wanting to be with me.)

 

Funny how the tables have turned... now at the end of our relationship, he is aloof, totally fine without me, has for over a year made sure to give lots of hints that he was no longer thinking of this long-term, and now is doing all of the things he hated that I was doing (opposite sex friends online) while distancing himself.

 

Yes, I have to work on not letting relationships sidetrack me from what I want to do in life. I have a tendency to do that... to put everything into them because, well, it is easier than trying to succeed at what I want to do in life. Thanks again for being here! And yeah, I'll be on here over the weekend too, so feel free to use me for support.

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