Still don't understand...Is It Me?

[DanOd]

I wrote in here a few times back over the summer. I'm the one who had a rough streak, a couple of major health problems/scares, death of my mother, dissolution of my family and some friendships, job difficulties, tanking on a major entrance exam, finally culminating in being dumped by my girlfriend in May. Perhaps because it is the end of the worst year of my life, I am taking stock and remembering all that happened earlier this year.

 

Now I know why losing my GF a half year ago was so devastating (even more so than most break ups). Breaking up is never easy, but this time it was particularly difficult. This is because over the last 1.5 years, I was in a losing pattern. Losing health. Losing a parent. Losing friends. Losing family ties. Potential for losing my job. Losing any decent chance to get into grad school. Losing innocence on 9/11 as all of us did. The final straw was losing my GF, the one thing I thought was stable and assured in my life.

 

Of course, relationships and love are never assured. But after I had lost so many things, none of them trivial, I could hardly stand losing the woman I loved. Part of it was that I was smitten by this girl two years before we ever dated; I built up this powerful feeling towards her, and build up an idealistic notion of what a relationship with her would be like. It was like, "finally we are together!" and things were as they should have been. And things were good for quite some time.

 

Then the string of really tough events happened, and I guess by May my GF had had enough. Nevermind the fact that earlier in the relationship she told me how great I was, how lucky she was to share her life with such a great guy, how no guy had treated her the way I did. Nevermind the fact that she assured me, this desperate guy clinging on to whatever he could at the time, that I could be however I needed to be, I could be myself, not to worry, she wasn't going anywhere. Sure I probably wasn't the most cheery guy at the time, then again I wasn't a miserable selfish jerk either. Nevermind the fact that I put 90% into the relationship whereas she maybe put in 10% and never cared about me nearly as much as I did for her. Of course not long after being assured that everything was OK and she wasn't going anywhere, that she would be there for me, she dumps me. Right after she said that we can work through our minor relationship issues, all optimistic. There was no explanation other than we "are too different, going in different directions." No clarification. No closure. I did nothing but treat her with love and respect, and this is how it ended. No matter what I tried to do just to get her to *talk* with me, and try to rekindle, she didn't budge.

 

Needless to say I was confused, devastated and lonely for pretty much the entire summer. Of course everyone has the right to end the relationship they are in if they aren't happy. But given the state I was in, given that I didn't do any major thing that was bad like put her down, cheat on her etc., I felt like I deserved more than being dumped cold without any warning like a piece of garbage. She didn't even have the decency to say we were breaking up; she used the ol' time and space line on me, probably figuring hey, I'll keep him around so I can have the attention. Only when I went up to her place in July and caught her with the new boyfriend (the one she told me the day before she didn't have) did I realize that it was really over. Then on top of it she had to yell at me, how happy she was that I was seeing this, how she had been "miserable" and never loved me, how I needed to just move on. She wrote me an e-mail the next morning (we work together) saying so sorry, best of luck, take care now. I replied with a loving, amicable e-mail saying I will miss her very much but I could not have her in my life on any level.

 

And that was the last contact I ever had with her, about 5 months ago. Since then, I have passed her many times at work and we don't speak to each other. In fact she turns her head from me as if I wasn't even there. I see her from time to time at work, smiling and happy, usually looking fantasic. I have a new GF of my own now, who says she loves me, I am the greatest etc etc which is great reinforcement, and I am so glad to have someone in my life again, and someone who appreciates me. Of course I have heard it all before. And what's more, even though I have someone new and months have passed, fact of the matter is I still miss my ex. Whenever I see her it feels like my heart is being ripped out. All the pain, all the humiliation comes back, not as strong as it was but it is still there. I have to admit, I have a strong feeling of dislike for my ex, more so than ever. Now that I look back and see how things went down. And I feel justified in feeling this way, and I am glad that she is out of my life and I don't need selfish people like her in my life anymore. But I still miss her, I even shed a tear over her once in a while. And what hurts perhaps most of all is that unlike what happens with most people, she never once tried to get in touch with me for any reason. Not to say "just wondering how you are," "hope all is well," "happy birthday," "happy holidays," "I'm sorry for what happened," let alone any sentiment of knowing she lost a good thing and wanting it back. That makes me all the more hurt and angry.

 

So even though I am much better and I know there are a lot of people on here who are lonely and hurting (I am sorry, and I know you will be better in the future if you hang in there), take solace when your ex's offer some kind of contact and sentiment down the road. It means you were worth something to them, at least they have thought about you and the relationship. I don't even have that. Just the confusion and bitterness of giving so much to someone, only to have her not give me or our relationship a second thought after she cut it loose. Sure maybe it says things about her more than anything else; fact of the matter is, apparently all of that love and sweat and tears on my part didn't mean a damn, and she could care less on any level.

 

Cheers, and happy holidays. May 2003 be a whole lot better than 2002.

[Tony T]

I'm glad you got all that off your chest. I disagree with a few of your promouncments.

 

1. "Nevermind the fact that I put 90% into the relationship whereas she maybe put in 10% and never cared about me nearly as much as I did for her."

 

Nevermind, you say??? Nevermind??? Anybody who stays with a wench who puts that little into a relationship and has the nerve to believe it has a morsel of a chance to succeed is a countdown short of a missile launching.

 

2. "...take solace when your ex's offer some kind of contact and sentiment down the road. It means you were worth something to them, at least they have thought about you and the relationship."

 

So where do you get that crap from...book and page, please???

 

Contact that you get from an awful ex most often means they feel terribly guilty or they want to borrow money. Nice ex's respect that you need to move on and they don't make any effort at all to stir up old wounds and hurts.

 

The best gift an ex can ever give you is to stay out of your life. The purpose of an EX is to be an EX. You can never lose something you never had. That's why they remain in your past and you have nothing to anticipate except the future with someone you hopefully use better sense finding and keeping in your life.

 

I'm sorry all these other things happened to you....it wasn't a good year at all. I wish you well in your healing.

 

But the VERY BEST THING that happened to you was getting rid of a wench who could have cared less about you and who broke up with you and ran out and got a new boyfriend almost instantly. You were very lucky to get rid of her...no sympathy for you there.

[mighty bop]

Amen to that sister!

[DanOd]

You certainly don't mince words.

 

And I agree with what you said.

 

No matter what anyone says though, it is hurtful when an ex doesn't ever attempt to make any contact with you after they dump you in a nasty, unfair way (which I feel happened to me). Not that I want to get back with her at all. You know what I am talking about, that little feeling in the back of your head that would feel heartened at least if the ex at least wondered how you were or made any effort at apologizing. When they don't, it says that A) they really are mean, cold people and B) you didn't mean anything to them at all.

 

And no matter what, B) is tough to take.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "When they don't, it says that A) they really are mean, cold people and B) you didn't mean anything to them at all."

 

The most kind and compassionate thing a person who has broken up with you can do is stay out of your life and give you room to heal. They feel bad enough....they don't want to go back to the injured party and see the damage they have done. And they know that their presense will open wounds that may have begun to heal.

 

People who never go back are not mean, they are kind, gentle, loving people who know that's not the right thing to do. And because you still mean a lot to them, they want to stay out of your life so you can get on with it and find happiness without them.

 

Not every relationship is meant to work. This whole thing won't bother you nearly so much once you have gotten over her. But give her a break, for Pete's sake. A break-up is a break-up. One day you will realize just how kind and wise she is to stay out of your life at this point.

 

Oh, yes, forgot to ask: Why in heaven's name would you want to ever see this lady again, anyway??? She was worthless as a partner. She probably isn't showing her face out of shame and guilt if she has any.

[DanOd]

First, you may be right in your opinion that a person is acting out of compassion when they never contact you again. But that is all that is, your opinion. You don't know what motivates every individual person and there could be many reasons for severing contact. Sometimes you have an air of "I know everything as absolute truth" about you. I appreciate your suggestion, but an opinion is all it is. You may be right, you may be wrong.

 

I don't WANT to see my ex, I HAVE to see her on an almost daily basis because I work with her. And she acts like I don't even exist. It is very hard to work with someone you are trying to get over. And no I am not going to look for another job. I have a good job and it isn't worth quitting just because some b*** works here.

[Tony T]

I didn't realize you worked with her...I must have missed that somewhere. That's really unfortunate and awkward. I always advise against dating people at work but, on the other hand, that's one of the easiest places to find people if you're really busy.

 

You have basically answered your own question. If she is ignoring you, I think that's her way of dealing with the situation...for whatever reason. It's really very very hard to get over a relationship when you have to be around them everyday. That's a hell I don't want to ever experience.

 

Whatever her motives are for ignoring you, you will just have to take power over your own feelings and not let this bother you. In time it won't. In time, you will relish the moments that she ignores you while you're thinking about the new honey you will have met.

 

Good Luck.

 

DISCLAIMER: The above is 100 percent, entirely my own opinion and any resemblance to fact whatsoever is purely coincidental.

[pinkroses]

what Dan wants is closure, and that's understandable. When someone doesn't give you any acknowledgement or reasons for why they no longer want anything to do with you, it leaves you feeling like you are still connected to the person, because nothing got worked out. If his ex would just say she was sorry but she wasn't happy or wanted something else or simply said sorry it didn't work out, that might be enough to be able to forget and feel released to move on.

 

I know exactly what you're talking about, Dan, I think suddenly dropping someone, with no explanation, is a form of emotional torture. That can be harder to take than someone looking you in the eye and saying they don't care anymore for whatever reason and want to end things. At least with the latter, you know what happened, and have a focal point for your disappointment and grief. Not knowing what went wrong leaves you floundering with questions and self doubts. I think all couples who spend any significant and meaningful time together should at least be able to say their good-byes in a break-up, and be able to vent their feelings to each other, for closure and self discovery purposes, if nothing else.