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TooBigAHeart

hey everyone, i'm new to this website and i've actually never posted on a forum before, so i hope this turns out to be helpful!

 

so here goes...my boyfriend of about 6 months just broke up with me last week. there was no argument, no specific incident that brought it on. in fact, we never really argued or fought about anything ever during the course of the relationship. we seemed so happy. and we had a very close bond. i love him very deeply, like no one i've ever cared about before; and he told me he felt the same way. he has always treated me right, and i did the same for him. so this happening was somewhat of a shock to me. his exact words were,

 

"i can't do this right now. i need some time to figure things out on my own. i'm confused about everything. i'm having a hard time handling everything right now."

 

he now cannot tell me if he loves me or not. he said that he wants me to be there for him and he still wants me in his life, just not in a relationship right now. he has also indicated that there is a chance that we may get back together, but he doesn't know when that would be, or if it would happen. i don't plan on waiting for him, he actually told me not to. but...i wish i knew what he really wanted.

 

some additional info: i found out early on in the relationship that he had been treated for depression the previous summer. he decided to get off the medication when we started dating. everything seemed perfect for the first 4 months. we met at college, but he just recently graduated in december. then, in early february, he moved about an hour away to start living in a new place and started a new job. this is about the time i started seeing a change in him. he understandably has been having a hard time dealing with this transition, as well as being farther away from me. he has told me that he is having a hard time finishing his own personal projects, cannot concentrate while working, and he has started losing interest in things he once loved. (specifically, intimate time between the two of us, which was difficult for me to handle) also, he has become much more impulsive, spending more money than he has. he has acknowledged that he has a problem, and is now going to a psychiatrist.

 

so...i know this is a lot of info, haha. but...i also wanted to mention that in the past month, him and i have come really close to ending the relationship several times, and he is now doing this for sure this time. all the other times, he has felt extremely guilty and burdened after seeing how he has hurt me from trying to end things. he felt terrible for making me go through it. it almost became a cycle...he acted like this about once a week up until now.

 

his problems and stresses seem to be the things that caused tension between us, and he has told me many times that this is not my fault. he told me i am the most caring, supportive girlfriend he could possibly have in a difficult time like this for him.

 

i just don't understand what went wrong, especially after i have been there for him unconditionally through the first two months of this transition. and it's just eating me up inside seeing someone i care so much about going through this. i wish i could physically be there to help. honestly, i could not have been a better girlfriend to him, i have given 110% in this relationship! and i love him more than anything. i plan on giving him some space for awhile. but...do i still have a chance to be with him again? and what should i do?

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The ball is in your court but you know, you cannot heal him and make him better, or change his mind for him.

The person you now need to take care of, is you. And you must decide if you wish to be around him, 'just as a friend' and be supportive. If you still love him, you will do this with the hope of winning him back, but what if it doesn't happen that way? All that waiting and wishing and hoping all a waste of time....

 

He seems to want the best of both worlds. To not be in a relationship with you, but to still have you with him as a constant friend.

I personally think this is not fair.

As he does not seem to be able to be decisive, I think the decision would have to come form you.

This is just my view and I do not know you, but I would distance myself from this. he cannot expect to be able to use you as a prop.

Not while you still are in love with him.

 

I'm afraid I would tell him - 'I am a friend, but I also have a life. If you are ending this relationship, I cannot always be around you. let me know when you feel better. If I am not with anyone else, maybe then, we can talk again.'

 

He will probably be very upset, but this will prove my point. he wants his way, and his way. That's not really possible.

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TooBigAHeart

thank you for your advice! when we initially broke up, i did feel the need to be there for him no matter what and do whatever it took to show that i cared....but i'm quickly realizing that if i were to do that, he would just take advantage and move on knowing he can still have me in his life in some way. and that is not what i want, i cannot be there for him knowing that he might be breaking it off for good. i plan on distancing myself for about a month, and then seeing if he has progressed with his issues.

 

but i have to move on as well! something tells me that he will realize what it feels like to not have anyone there for him, since he has previously told me i'm the only one he can turn to in this situation. and he said to me a couple weeks ago that he couldn't get through this without me.

 

does anyone on here know what it's like to be in a relationship with a depressed person or someone with a lot of personal issues?

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