What should I do?

[marshanne]

I need some advice as to how to continue handling the separation my fiancé and I are going through right now.

 

We’ve been together for 3 ½ years. I’m 21 and he’s about to turn 24.

 

A little over three weeks ago, we began this break. Initially it was my own doing because I was confused as to what I wanted. However, I spent some time reflecting on my doubts and shortly realized that I still loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

But the damage was done. He was devastated by my doubts, which is what has caused this separation to continue on for so long. He was hurt and felt like he could no longer trust me.

 

Throughout all of this, we’ve continued to talk on the phone every day. I try to reassure him that I’m positive in my feelings now, but he tells me that he’s scared I’ll change my mind again (I did this once before, and we took a very short break). He reassures me that he still loves me and still wants to spend his life with me, he just says he’s using this time to find himself and to get back into the right frame of mind before we jump back full-fledged into our relationship again.

 

The thing that kills me the most is that he doesn’t know for sure when he wants to start seeing me again (keep in mind, we’ve both agreed that we’re still engaged and together, we’re just not physically seeing each other). After the first week was over, he told me he thought he needed a few more days. Once those passed and he told me he still wasn’t ready to see me again, I began to get angry. I quickly realized that wasn’t the right way to go about handling the situation, so I calmed down. Now just the other day, he told me he thinks at most, he needs another month to himself.

 

I’m beginning to get to the point where I don’t know if it would be beneficial or not to just slowly start pulling away. Part of me wonders if he would be able to heal more quickly if we ceased all contact completely. But I’m not sure if I’m ready to do that yet, mostly because I’m afraid of what might happen.

 

I just don’t know if I should continue the way I have been, because it doesn’t seem to be doing any good, especially the way he’s been putting off our seeing each other again time and time again.

 

As of right now, we talk on the phone every night, mostly about the trivial things about our day, and occasionally about how we’re feeling about our relationship. But I haven’t gotten any indication from him that our relationship’s moving in the right direction again. Right now, I just feel like we’re in this suspended state of being, and it’s beginning to depress me.

 

Should I cease all contact with him completely? Tell him that he can contact me again when he feels like he’s healed and ready to work on our relationship again?

 

What should I do?

[butterflyz]

it is very difficult to regain.

 

it seems like he's pulling away very slowly. the fact that he needs another month is kind of ridiculous. it seems like he's drawing it out (ugh). that's not how i like to do things: make a decision and then do it. that's how i like to do things. and my feelings have never changed once i made up my mind.

 

what is nice to see is that you HEAR him. he doesn't have to beat it into your head that he may not want this. it's nice to see that you are not deluding yourself into thinking something that isn't so, just so you can rationalize everything. so, at least you do have that going for you. i wish i had the same scenario. sheesh.

 

it doesn't seem like he's going to turn the other way. i don't know him, only you do, so it's hard to tell. if things keep up the way they are, it doesn't look good.

 

you need to have "the talk" . you need to ask him, do you want this or not? if you don't, then do us both a favor and let me go. i think you'll get a response. no more "how's the weather" phone calls.

 

i know that you are afraid to let him go, but you can't make someone love you when they don't. you can't make someone trust you when they don't. you can't alter another person's feelings. no one has the power to do so (contrary to any co-dependent's opinion).

 

we would like to believe that we can make the sun shine when it rains. the fact of the matter is that when we make mistakes and take other people for granted we are naive to think that it won't affect their feelings. of course it does. the larger the violation, the more the feelings diminish. there are always repurcussions to our actions. no one has a "get out of jail free" card.

 

no relationship can be built on lies or deception or mistrust. all the doting and attention and affection won't make it go away. if i mistrust someone, it will always be there. i'll always be thinking of what they are doing, anticipating their next move. the relationship would be doomed. i'm no longer a door mat. i won't put up with a man who has bad character or one that i cannot trust. any one who has lied to me, may as well go somewhere else.

 

unlike your boyfriend, i don't need time to "think" about it, my mind would be made up. i would probably move on. you could stay away a month, 6 months or a year, my answer would be the same. once i lose respect, that's it. i'm pretty definitive. if i say i want to be alone, that's what it means. it doesn't mean i need time to heal to get back into a relationship, it doesn't mean i want to date someone else. what it means is that i am on my own now, and that's how i want it to be, without the guy. if i meant anything else i would say so. so maybe that's what he is trying to tell you. he wants to be on his own.

[Ally Boo]

Just sit back and don't freak out. Be patient and you'll find out where you are going. I will say this....if you do end up getting married, just imagine how much stronger your relationship will be knowing you can get through this!

[marshanne]

Ally Boo, it's funny you said that because that's the exact same thing he said to me last week. He said something along the lines of, "You know, the one positive thing I see coming out of this when we make it through this is that our relationship will be even stronger than before, and that's what I keep focusing on." So I suppose that gives me hope.

 

Also, he suggested that we meet for lunch today, so we'll see how that goes. I'm pretty excited because I feel like it's a step in the right direction.

 

However, I told myself last night that from now on I'm going to try my hardest not to get my hopes up about anything. Because really, there's nothing I can do besides what I'm doing already, laying low and letting him have his space. I guess that's what's been so hard about these past few weeks, I would get my hopes up only to have them dashed each time he said he needed more time.

[mememe]

Not easy going through this. My boyfriend says he needs time to sort his feelings. We've been together 3 years and he's still not sure whether we're in together for the long haul. It's very difficult to let go. especially during the holidays. We had plans to go to Mexico to visit this family for the holidays and now he's going along to think things through. In the meantime, I'm at home feeling sad and alone. It's been a very difficult week. I guess it'll make it easier once we're apart for a few weeks. We're both old enpough to know what we want. I'm 28 going on 29 soon and he's 29 going on 30. I don't understand why men can't committ.

[mighty bop]

I feel bad for you girls. I am 26 and ready to commit to this girl I have only been seeing for less than a month!!! Maybe I'm just crazy but life is too short.....

[DanOd]

"I don't understand why men can't commit."

 

Give me a break. I take offense to this remark. Just as many women IF NOT MORE are commitmentphobic than men. Especially in this day and age of feminism and equality between the sexes.

 

Sorry you are having problems, but making absolutely false generalizations isn''t going to help any. That would be like me saying "I don't understand why women are such cold, manipulative irrational creatures."

[mememe]

Maybe not all men are afraid of the "commitment." But it seems like a lot of men are. I know several friend who are all girls that are going through this same issue. That's why it seems like most ment ar afraid of commitment. Are you going through a breakup? Is your women the one resisting?

[DanOd]

what is going on with me you can read my post in the forum.

 

It has more to do with my experience with women being cold, self-centered, deceptive and inconsiderate than anything else. But to answer your question I have seen many cases of women being unwilling to commit and wanting men for very specific purposes, not wanting relationships. It works both ways. And there are PLENTY of men out there, myself included, who want committed relationships.

 

Just be careful of making generalizations. It can only hurt, not help matters.

[mememe]

People have a different way of coping with break ups. I read your post and you definitely need some closure. She owes you that. Maybe later in the future she might contact you and explain her side of the story. sometimes it makes it easier it you break all contact. But throughout your relationship there must been some signs that things weren't going well. Maybe you decided to ignore the signs or you didn't want to believe it. When one person is not happy in the relationship it affects both people involved. With all that you were going through, maybe she wasen't prepared to help you through it. If she runs out on you when things get rough or when you need her support the most then she is not the person you would want to be with anyway. She did you a favor by leaving. Why would you want to be with someone who can't give you emotional support and love when you need it the most. Those are just my thoughts.

[Debster]

From what I can tell from your post, there were no problems with your relationship before the separation except for you feeling a bit gunshy about the relationship.

 

This man WAS ready to marry you until he realized you had second thoughts. His ego is probably wounded and he's also right now trying to analyze why you think the relationship wasn't good enough for you. Maybe he's found a couple of things he didn't like but was willing to overlook before. A part of it could also be he's hurt and not yet ready to re-give himself to the relationship 100%.

 

I'd give him some space and let him figure it out. Either he comes back to you and your relationship is stronger than before, or he doesn't but at least you didn't end up getting married to the wrong person.

[marshanne]

So it's been a little over a month since I last posted and I just thought I'd give a little update.

 

Things seem to be going very well between my fiance and I. We started seeing each other regularly at the beginning of this month and have finally began to feel comfortable around each other again.

 

It was kind of weird at first seeing him again after so long, almost like he looked different and that we hadn't seen each other in years. Luckily that feeling didn't last long and we were able to move past the awkwardness towards more important things.

 

I could tell he was kind of reserved with me at first, maybe afraid to move too fast due to my previous doubts. But we did a lot of talking. And then we talked some more. And when we didn't think we could talk anymore, we talked some more. So basically we've been pretty open with each other ever since, which I think has helped us tremendously.

 

We're looking into seeing a counselor, perhaps a pre-marital one to help guide us even more. He was actually the one to suggest counseling, which surprised me, but nonetheless, I'm more than willing to go. Hopefully it'll just help to bring us closer.

[Debster]

I wish you and your fiance all the best.

[marshanne]

Thanks Debster, I appreciate that.