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it seemed fine...


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So I had this bf, we met at an all-night party and I eventually got together with him. He lives 4 1/2 hours away from me. During the summer we saw each other a lot. He told me he loved me just 3 weeks after we got together (I was incredably surprised about and a little amazed it at the time but also kind of happy about it). We shared a deep connection that made me feel like this was something that could really last.

 

Eventually summer ended. At first he wanted to move here and live with my parents. He talked to his parents about it and they wouldn't let him do that quite yet. I kind of noticed that, although he said he really wanted to and it was his idea , he was not acting motivated/ really trying to move here.

 

We've been seeing each other about every other weekend. We call every night but the amount of calls I had been making were always more than he made. I began to get confused. This guy kept telling me he loved me and how much he cared for me but yet he wouldn't ever call me and when I asked why he said he forgot. I don't see how someone can just forget about a person they say they care for so much. His actions and his words did not line up.

 

It kept getting worse and worse. I went down there last weekend hoping to revitalize the relationship. It seemed to work while I was there. We seemed (to me) to bond so much more by realising our differences and how they bring us closer. He must have just been lying the whole time and I feel very betrayed because I was tricked into thinking he cared and I slept with him.

 

He broke up with me yesterday. He says he still loves me but as incongruous as his words and actions have been in the past I honestly don't believe him. I only had about 4 mins. to talk yesterday so I asked him to call me and he said he promised that he would when I got off. So he didn't call...I don't think he will. I am so hurt because it seemed like every thing was going good again and he just broke it off so fast. I feel like I shouldn't even talk to him again because of the way he has decieved my emotions and he knows he can control me in that way but I can't seem to shake the feeling that what we had was not something to just throw away. Please help.

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He sounds just like your normal, run-of-the-mill, guy who will say or do whatever is convenient at the time to get what he wants. He's superficial, deceitful, immature, inconsiderate, etc. and you should be very glad to get rid of him.

 

He's exactly like a lot of guys his age. It's something you just have to watch out for. You got lots of clues as to where his priorities were but you just didn't want to pay attention until you started looking back.

 

I can't give you sympathy because I think you ought to celebrate having this guy out of your life. I can only hope that you will use better judgement next time. I am very sorry this happened to you...but, let me tell you, I have had the same thing happen to me with girls dozens of times and I have only one person to blame for all those times...ME. I guess I'm just a very slow learner.

 

No, there's no need to talk to him anymore. It's not like you had this great love relationship and you need closure. This is a man you just need out of your life. Now, if it will make you feel better to tell him off by all means do so. Otherwise, any further interaction with him is a total waste of time. You'll probably drive him nuts if you completely avoid him, don't return his calls, be very brief if he calls you (ten seconds or less), don't return his email, etc. Just delete him from your life.

 

Bottom line: I think it is extremely impractical to try to carry on a relationship with somebody who lives so far away. Eventually one or the other is going to get tired of the arrangement. It could be very well that he does still love you...but it's a lot less tiring for him to find somebody to love right where he is than it is to travel so far to see you. Long distance relationships exist largely in the mind...not a lot in reality.

 

I hope you will reconsider the next time you start falling for somebody who lives more than 10 miles or so away from you.

 

And, again, please...where you encounter somebody whose actions don't go along with their words... get way from them FAST!!!

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  • 3 weeks later...
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k so he called me the night after he broke up with me and asked if we could stay together. I was worried that he would blow up again later like he did without any notice and he said he would work on expressing himself more. He said he would try..and well...he didn't...we were back together for 3 weeks and yesterday he says he doesn't want to spend his time and energy on relationship...just outta nowhere..im beginning to think he has two personalities because its with him its either great or its over...

I feel like he owes it to me to try harder...he's being such a brat! he keeps saying that he still loves me and if he was with anyone it would be me...i dunno...guess he's just too immature and f***ed up in the head to handle a relationship....

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He can't handle the relationship but he wants it anyway. One of my favorite analogies for this kind of thing is a person who hangs around the BMW dealership, admiring the latest model. He's taken it out for a couple of test drives, his interest in owning it couldn't be clearer ... but the guy has no cash, maybe can't even afford a used clunker. But he wants the expensive car.

 

Not being familiar with high-end dealerships, I don't know if the manager will let him hang around anyway, just looking and wishing. But it's a sure bet the manager won't let him take the car for anymore test drives, once it's clear that he's not a serious buyer.

 

This guy sounds very young. The biggest mistake you could probably make would be to assume that a) he knows what he wants, and b) that what he wants is consistent from day to day. He's not someone to take at all seriously, no matter how sincere he seems at the time.

 

Don't waste your time looking from an apology from him. You'll be waiting a long long time.

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well its weird cause that day came and went...this guy just has days where he freaks out and says he doesn't think he can handle the relationship...the next day everythings fine...its when he's really stressed out...once he found out he failed 3 classes and the other time he had finals which he later said he wasn't ready for...I dunno...I guess I'm just learning to not depend on him at all...at our age that's probly better...we should have fun...we're still together which most might think is a bad decision...we do fine when we're together but this long-distance stuff is not workin...so we just need to drag through this time...you think im wrong? its hard for me to tell if I'm being stupid...im crazy bout this guy...

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You say you feel like he owes it to you to try harder................but don't you owe it to yourself to find someone who is going to treat you right? It's obvious that this guy is immature and not ready for a serious relationship. He will go to any lengths to say things to get what he wants. You have to get hip to his games. You should definitely lose this zero. I encourage you to go out and have fun with other people. This guy is not going to commit anytime soon. You both are young. Don't get tied down to a relationship that is going nowhere. It's only going to bring you more heartache and frustration.

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