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doe he have depression?


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I have been seeing a guy I met online for the past 6 weeks. Met him a week before christmas and all was fine, he even bought me a bottle of perfume for christmas.

 

We went our seperate ways over christmas - family interstate, but he still called me on christmas day which was nice.

 

He also came down to my holiday house with me and my friends for NYE which was suprising.

 

Some background...he is 36, works for the family business and absolutley hates it, he has never lived with a girl and the longest relationship he has had since 2000 was 7 months and he said it ended because she wanted to see him all the time and with his work commitments it was too hard.

 

He said he didn't want to have kids and that he was looking for someone who was independent not needy or clingy and had her own life...which is very much me. Said he wouldn't live with someone until at least 12 - 18 months...no issue there for me I infact like the idea of never living together and not that fussed about kids either.

 

When I got back from holidays we spent weekends together and few nights during the week going to bbq at his friends houses. But certainly were not joined at the hip. We didn't speak every day or madly sms and call each other.

 

When I first met him I had a sense there maybe a hint of depression or anxiety...he has a squint ( facial tic) and was very stressed about work and wanting to quit the family business...he said he had take a lot of time off over the years and he came across as someone who didn't cope well.

 

Anyway cut a long story short, two weeks ago he would go quiet mon - fri, I would not hear from him, no sms nothing, the ring me on friday night take me out for dinner and a movie, spend all day sat house hunting with me, off to a bbq at his friends sat night..until sunday lunch and he would say he was going to a mates place..which was cool by then i was ready for some space and I bet he was too....another week goes by, no contact.

 

So on Friday I sms him " are we catching up tonight?" he says no he is too tired - but will come to my friends bbq on sat night. I bought it to a head and said " I don't think your really that into me, perhaps we should just stay friends, no hard feelings your a great guy bla bla he writes back thanks for your understanding I have realised I just miss being on my own.

 

We then agree to meet for coffee the next day, and he says he just loves his solitude and isolation and feels pressure and expectations when in a relationship to do things and all he wants to do is nothing and just lie on the couch and watch dvd's and not have any obligations or responsibilites.

 

I say cool no worries. He was looking very uncomfortable and edgy. I say feel free to call me anytime if you want to talk but I understand and it's cool. I explaing to him he is just not that into me and I am cool - he said it wasn't that at all - and proceeded at length to talk about loving being on his own - which has pretty much been all his life, longest relationship 18 months in early twenties.

 

He says he would love to see my new place when I get it. He is a lovely bloke and treated very well - when we spent time together, he was extremly affectionate but the sex was average...again I felt it was anxiety.

 

I feel like he likes being on his own to hide away from the world? It's a coping thing...can't handle any pressure

 

Your thoughts???

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Tryng2Trust08

I would cut communication completely, unless you really want to try to make things work. He may be depressed, but there's nothing you can do about it. I was in a similar situation,and in the end he told me he was a loner and it had nothing to do with me and he felt some sort of obligation to me thats y he kept calling me....He was just soo use to being alone, his longest relationship lasting 8 months. I don't know how you feel about him and being in a relationship, but just keep your guard up and don't expect too much in return from him.

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i honestly do not think he has depression. I was seeing someone tht was a "loner" himself. He told me very early in our relationship that he does almost everything by his self and has no problems entertaining himself. He had not dated a serious girlfriend in years and to him...a serious girlfriend sounded too serious. he was confortable in his own little world. It is hard dating someone who conciders themself as a LONER and is at the age of 36 and cannot hold a relationship longer than a few months or weeks.

 

Being in the shoes that you are walking right now..the first thing you need to remember..it is not you...it is him. Your man is feeling as if his little independant world is being invaded and does not know how to handle someone entering his bubble. He may feel confused and suffocated. He is making excuses not to see you.."i'm tierd". Dating a "loner" is totally frustrating on our part because they push us away rather quickly with barly no explaniations...and it is a habit that they will continue until they come to grips on what they really want out of life.

 

My best advise I can give to you is to remember..it is not YOU that he is having issues with.. it is his life style. Find someone that has an outgoing personallity and is socialable...you will never be happy with someone who is a hermit. Sooner or later, you will find yourself living the same lifestye as he...

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he has never lived with a girl and the longest relationship he has had since 2000 was 7 months and he said it ended because she wanted to see him all the time and with his work commitments it was too hard
It isn't you. It's him. Let him go, he isn't emotionally available to participate in a relationship and it isn't your fault. No amount of anything you are going to do is going to change that fact. He is who he is, he has been this way for a long time, and he is going to stay this way, probably for the rest of his life. I think he likes you, he tried his hardest to make it work, but his inner emptiness eventually overtook him like it undoubtedly has many times before you.

 

Let it go.

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He wants to have all the benefits of a relationship, without the relationship. That has got heartache for you written all over it. Don't do it. He's looking for sex and a person to talk to from time to time on his terms. He doesn't want to be there for you or make you happy. So tell him thanks, but no thanks.....go back online and find someone else.

 

Don't be a glutton for punishment.

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Have you thought about him maybe being a stoner or anything like that? For many its a stress relief but it also makes them introverted. Just a thought. Been there.

 

As someone who has had depression, therapy and has recently lost someone due to an unexpected two week downer at xmas, I would guess that maybe he is suffering from some kind of mental problem It sounds like a long term one and could also involve a major commitment issue.

 

I'll stick up for depressed people all day long as they are all capable of giving and still making a relationship work if the partner works with them...But he is not making himself available to you and I think is using you..so there you have to draw the line...unless you can handle it and play him at his own game ..tho it sounds like you will just get hurt.

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i honestly do not think he has depression. I was seeing someone tht was a "loner" himself. He told me very early in our relationship that he does almost everything by his self and has no problems entertaining himself. He had not dated a serious girlfriend in years and to him...a serious girlfriend sounded too serious. he was confortable in his own little world. It is hard dating someone who conciders themself as a LONER and is at the age of 36 and cannot hold a relationship longer than a few months or weeks.

 

Being in the shoes that you are walking right now..the first thing you need to remember..it is not you...it is him. Your man is feeling as if his little independant world is being invaded and does not know how to handle someone entering his bubble. He may feel confused and suffocated. He is making excuses not to see you.."i'm tierd". Dating a "loner" is totally frustrating on our part because they push us away rather quickly with barly no explaniations...and it is a habit that they will continue until they come to grips on what they really want out of life.

 

My best advise I can give to you is to remember..it is not YOU that he is having issues with.. it is his life style. Find someone that has an outgoing personallity and is socialable...you will never be happy with someone who is a hermit. Sooner or later, you will find yourself living the same lifestye as he...

 

This advice is so good it's marvelous, wow, what wisdom, your awesome

whoever you are! You definitely have experienced the loner syndrome effect, no doubt!

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Tryng2Trust08

Yeah, just cut contact...the previous poster is right!! If you date a loner you start becoming one yourself, not wanting to do much and thinking negatively. I was in a relationship like that, yikes. I felt a lot of anxiety coming from my ex in regards to affection, sex, etc...it wore me down and I thought it was me and he even blamed me because he said I was needy.I gave him a chance because I cared for him, but I realize I cant be with that type of person. It was constantly a push and pull thing for me and it drove me crazy....somedays he would call a lot, other days he wouldnt, call me needy or demanding for wanting to talk about my day...amazing....Dont put yourself through the stress, meet someone social , outgoing and fun :)

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