Why is he being a jerk?

[bhsunny21]

First off, if this turns into a novel, I am sorry. There is some history involved and I will be as brief as possible.

 

My boyfriend, "Grant" and I broke up almost a month ago. I was hurt at first, because he was the one who broke up with me. He told me that he just didn't feel that "thing" and that we were better off being just friends. He told me that he didn't want to lose me because I was so special and that I was his best friend. I got over the hurt fairly quickly because of the amicable breakup and also because soon after I met someone else who has been great.

 

I have been dating the new guy, "Chris", for a short time of just over two weeks. He is so supportive of me and all I am. I sometimes cannot get over the difference between he and Grant. I was with Grant for almost six months and he never wanted to see me, talk to me or anything, as Chris has attemped in the short time we have been dating. I find that odd in many respects, but then, if Grant never felt that "thing", perhaps it isn't so strange.

 

That is just some history. The reason for this post is because of the recent behavior of Grant. We got together a week after the break up (a day or two before my meeting Chris). The entire time that we were together he kept touching me and hugging me, etc. like we were still together. We ended up sleeping together. I felt okay about it but told him that it was wrong and we should never do it again. He agreed.

 

Since I met Chris, I don't really have a need or want to see Grant again. For one, I can't handle the way he touches me all the time, despite my complaints to him. Secondly, I am still trying to get over him and Chris is helping me do that. I got a recent email from Grant asking how I was doing and then began telling me of this girl that he has been seeing since *a week* before we broke up! (the nerve!) He said that he is not serious with her, but that he has been seeing her a lot more and he is excited about the situation. Then he asked if I wanted to go out with him! This completely took me off guard and made me livid! I replied to his email by saying that I didn't think that I could go out with him for I didn't want to hurt Chris, a new guy I was seeing, and that I didn't want to even put into our minds what happened last time.

 

I thought he would have ended things there, but he wrote me back, mad! He told me I was being selfish and immature by not wanting to see him. He said that he was now for sure that he did the right thing by breaking up with me and that he needs someone who is emotionally stable to be with. He also said that he would never touch me again or sleep with me for he has a great girl that he would rather be with. He then accused me of playing games and trying to make him jealous by my telling him that I am seeing Chris. He ended by saying that when I mature and gain feelings for human beings again that I should give him a call and we can be friends.

 

I was not mean in the email I sent to him, even though I was angry. I don't know what I did to deserve the tounge-lashing that I received from him. I haven't told Chris any of this and do not plan to, but it upsets me somewhat how Grant treated me. I know I should think nothing of it, but when someone that I cared so much about is so obviously mean and cruel for no reason, it upsets me. Should I just never write back (which would be hard for me since I always like to get the last word) or tell him I don't want to be friends with someone who thinks that way of me? Or should I just meet up with him and still be his friend? I didn't think I wanted to lose him, but I don't want to jeopardize my self-esteem or my future relationship with Chris, or whomever else.

 

Thanks, and sorry about not being as brief as I wanted.

[Rilke-boy]

unless you're dealing with someone with whom you don't have the patience to deal with any more. It seems to me that this should be the case with Grant, though he has already said that to you. I say, good riddance, Grant. Why? Because he is not treating you with the respect that any human being deserves.

 

As far as him touching you when you don't want to touch him -- I'm not sure where you live so I can't say this for sure, but I'm fairly certain that qualifies as harassment. In addition to the illegality of this, or better said, the potential illegality of this, the lack of morality in it is disgusting. This is someone who calls themselves, or better said, called themselves a good friend of yours? I say that the right thing to do is to no longer initiate contact with him or respond to him. Then, examine why you allowed yourself to be toyed with in that way.

 

Also, I would say that if you want to take steps toward intimacy in your new relationship, then tell the new guy you've been seeing someone in the past and tell him about Grant's behavior. If he's a nice, supportive guy, then he'll listen and empathize, and he'll better understand you as a result. But also keep in mind that you do need time to get over people, so maybe after all of this turmoil you're not ready for a new relationship yet. What I would definitely say is that you should never hesitate in telling someone how something makes you feel if you think that the situation is appropriate. It's al about keeping that balance between sensitivity and honesty.

 

Please, keep in mind that all of the note above is just one person's opinion. I wish you the best of luck, and remember, don't take life too seriously!

[sunflower]

his tongue-lashing, and I can understand you being upset. I would be furious myself.

 

 

But the thing is, he's a jerk (sorry), and sounds like you should probably consider having NOTHING to do with him.

 

Just ignore him. Don't respond to his e-mails.

 

Do you really need this sh-t from him?

 

This is my opinion.

[quankanne]

the best thing you can do is just ignore someone like that, no matter how badly you want to get in the last word.

 

as for why he exploded at you the way he did ... well, sometimes people know that their actions are wrong, but refuse instead of acknowledging and rectifying those actions, they accuse another person of doing that very thing, I guess that's their way of addressing their bad behavior or something. Anyhow, the guy sounds like an immature jerk and at this point, he's only interested in punishing you, even if he doesn't see it as such.

 

don't waste your time on him. You don't owe him or that relationship anything, esp. in light of being in a good relationship with your new boyfriend.

[Ally Boo]

Sometimes, you just gotta let it go and let them look like the jack ass, instead of you pointing it out to them.

[quankanne]

high five, Ally ....

[bhsunny21]

Thank you all for your advice. I know that he is the jerk and not me. I just don't know what I saw in him for almost half a year! Anyhow, I did buckle (before I saw your replies) and replied once to him saying to not email or call me anymore because I do not want to have friends or associate me with people that think of me as selfish and immature, etc. I feel better doing so, even if it wasn't the best thing to do.

 

As for the new guy, I am not very intent on starting a new "relationship" at this time. I am just testing the waters to see where things may go. He has been nothing but great, though, and has made me realize why people can be happy together. Before it was just me trying to make things happen. Now I know what it feels like to have someone else trying as hard as me.

 

Thanks again for your kind words (as usual). You all are great!