Turkish delight Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Hi Everyone, I am 27 years old and I had this wonderful man in his mid 30s entering my life. I met him at a group dinner and then he tried to approach me like crazy. At least for a month and a half he kept on trying to date me. When we began dating, he was extremely affectionate, interested, and very jealous of my friends and job environment. And when he was away (for job), he called me several times during the day. I could not believe this was happening, it was like a fairy tale. But even after a month, after at least 5-6 dates he never tried to have a sexual intercourse or more intimacy with me than holding my hand or hugging me. But he was not friendly, he was completely romantic. On our best date ever, I kissed him goodbye on the lips. He trembled and was paralyzed, and left with no apparent attitude. He never wanted to see me again and kept on writing to me on the internet. When I insisted to ask "what happened" he answered that he was not ready for a relationship. For months he kept on flirting me on the net, asking me questions about my private life, being jealous of my trips and friends etc, but always avoided seeing me, even for a cup of coffee. Now he has a girlfriend for 3-4 months, after 6-7 months passed after our breakup, and now I avoid talking to him too, which does not seem to bother him at all. I keep on blaming myself and hating myself, trying to figure out what mistake I have made and can't find any, but I'm very very depressed and self-destructive because I keep on thinking it is something about me and not him. Please share your ideas with me on what may have happened Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I think trying to second-guess a guy like this is just a way of tying yourself up in knots. My guess is he was a virgin, and he got cold feet. because (possibly) he realised you were more experienced than him. Maybe his new GF is also a virgin, which is why he feels better with this R, than he did with you. Who cares? Why are you beating yourself up over something like this? Cripes woman, get a grip and cut yourself some slack! He's over! Move on, why don't you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Turkish delight Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Thank you for your reply... Actually I definitely know he is more experienced than I am (at least not less experienced), and his romantic, no sex-obsessed attitude was the very reason why I felt so emotionally attached. But he always avoided that subject area, and I am sure I sounded and seemed more experienced than I am. And I keep on blaming myself for that... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 FOR WHAT - ?!? And Why??? Gosh, this is so last year now, why keep hauling it around like a fly-blown rotting carcass?? What's the point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Turkish delight Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Because I still cannot find happiness and he did, and this makes me feel like I am the one with problems... I feel like a loser... Link to post Share on other sites
bubblegum Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Geisha is right, this is all about HIM and not about YOU at all. However, clearly you are obsessing. So let's look at this a bit. Do you know for a fact he has a gf? And he got this alleged gf 6-7 months after you kissed him goodnight? Link to post Share on other sites
Goatsbreath Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 he even gave you the reason......he wasn't ready for a relationship. Maybe he was burned from a previous relationship and was really still recovering but thought dating might help his recovery along. Who knows really, could of been a number of things but in reality he realized he was not ready for a relationship. Instead of getting intimate and deeper into the relationship he ran away. If he didn't like you or it was about you he wouldn't have gone after you so much and expressed a interest. It was just bad timing. take these words to heart from my one of my favorite singers ani difranco you are a china shop and i am a bull you are really good food and i am full Link to post Share on other sites
bubblegum Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Hi Everyone, I am 27 years old and I had this wonderful man in his mid 30s entering my life. I met him at a group dinner and then he tried to approach me like crazy. At least for a month and a half he kept on trying to date me. When we began dating, he was extremely affectionate, interested, and very jealous of my friends and job environment. And when he was away (for job), he called me several times during the day. I could not believe this was happening, it was like a fairy tale. But even after a month, after at least 5-6 dates he never tried to have a sexual intercourse or more intimacy with me than holding my hand or hugging me. But he was not friendly, he was completely romantic. On our best date ever, I kissed him goodbye on the lips. He trembled and was paralyzed, and left with no apparent attitude. He never wanted to see me again and kept on writing to me on the internet. When I insisted to ask "what happened" he answered that he was not ready for a relationship. For months he kept on flirting me on the net, asking me questions about my private life, being jealous of my trips and friends etc, but always avoided seeing me, even for a cup of coffee. Now he has a girlfriend for 3-4 months, after 6-7 months passed after our breakup, and now I avoid talking to him too, which does not seem to bother him at all. I keep on blaming myself and hating myself, trying to figure out what mistake I have made and can't find any, but I'm very very depressed and self-destructive because I keep on thinking it is something about me and not him. Please share your ideas with me on what may have happened Oh yeah, and he sounds like a control freak. Link to post Share on other sites
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Research this. Enjoy. Narcissist Personality Disorder. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Turkish delight Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Dear Bubblegum, Yes, I know for a fact that he has a gf. But of course I do not have a chance to know how intmate they really are, or when they met, etc. Dear Goatsbreath, When we dated, he was very, very much into me and did not seem to be a guy just looking for a recovery dating... If so, he must be a terrificcaly good actor, and it sounds extremely pathological to me (which is another possibility). Dear DSM-IV, yes, I completely agree that is one of the problems he has. I had read this article on the Journal of Psycology about narcissism and his past, his family problems, all fit into the description. And I should add, thank s all of you guys for replying me, it really, truly helped, and continues to help. Link to post Share on other sites
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 If you know what NPD is, then you know you can never be with him, and you never were with him. He's in love, but not with another girl, and not with you. He's in love with him, and you have no power to change it. You know you have no choice in this matter, you HAVE to move on. There isn't an option B. That's what narcissism is. (Although we all have narcissistic traits, some let it prevail, and it becomes a disorder). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Turkish delight Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 I am quoting from a website the following description about the disorder: "They are unwilling to recognize or sympathize with other people's feelings and needs. They "tune out" when other people want to talk about their own problems." "Narcissists use other people to get what they want without caring about the cost to the other people." "...alexithymia, or no words for emotions..." I think he had this, definitely... When I tried later online to talk about what happened and about my feelings, he never seemed to empathize, he did not want to discuss anything. But he always begged me to stay online until very late at night, and cursed about my friends, and other people keeping me busy. Link to post Share on other sites
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Very interesting. Pretty accurate descriptions, but at the beginning where it says sympathize... they do sympathize. Sympathy can be faked, usually acted with the intention of serving the narcissist. EMPATHY is what they do not have. You cannot fake empathy, because it's all about you in your own mind. There's no point for a narcissist to accept that type of feeling, as it wouldn't serve them in any obvious way, which is all they deal in. He definitely sounds creepy, a little insane. Narcissistic, perhaps... but at least demented. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Turkish delight Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Yeah you're right about empathy... But all this process made me feel sooo worthless, and probably that's what he derived nutrition from... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Right, Just look at what you said in your post. But all this process made {not 'makes'} me feel sooo worthless, and probably that's what he derived {not 'derives'} nutrition from... You posted in Past tense. All in the past. So.... why are you still like 'this', when 'this' was then? You have to let go. It's utterly useless to carry it around. If you were learning from it, growing with it, and blossoming, that would be one thing. But - how long ago was this? How long did you go out for? Please. For crying out loud - put it down. I don't see anyone around, with a gun to your head, forcing you to perpetuate this. Link to post Share on other sites
bubblegum Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Yes, he fed off of your soul for a little while, feeding his empty-arse soul-less self... then when he lost a little control of the feeding he moved on to his next victim. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Turkish delight Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Past tense, well, I didn't mean those feelings were over:-) I am very keen on blaming myself, but after hearing your opinions I felt much better... Thank you very much guys, really... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Turkish delight Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 Bubblegum, that's a huge one:-)) I like a lot the way you put it, that makes so much sense all put together... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I am very keen on blaming myself... Why? Does it feel better to blame yourself, for something you didn't do? Explain it to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Turkish delight Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 I think I am not sure about myself, if I have made a mistake or not... And since this happened out of the blue, I can only analyze myself. Link to post Share on other sites
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Let us analyze you for you. Unless you understand psychology yourself... but then again, if you did, you'd understand you CANNOT diagnose yourself. You have self esteem issues, clearly. Work on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Turkish delight Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 By analyzing myself, I mean something that everyone does, of course it is not psychotherapy... We all stop and think sometimes, don't we? Something like rewinding the process and trying to see your mistakes... I think it is not self-esteem but I am very perfectionist and I want to do everything right... And since this happened to me, I want to know where I messed it up... But maybe I didn't, it was him, and that's why I turned to you for a 2nd opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
DSM-IV Tom Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 No, yes, it was really him, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Turkish delight Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 I hope it is as you say, because I'm afraid to repeat my mistakes in the future if there are any, and this fear disables me... That's really what depresses me, you know, not losing him or whatever... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 By analyzing myself, I mean something that everyone does, of course it is not psychotherapy... No, this is not self-analysis. It's called self-sabotage. Because we only have the one viewpoint, and usually it's from a rock-bottom perspective.... We all stop and think sometimes, don't we? Something like rewinding the process and trying to see your mistakes... No. Again, we can only take it from our own point of view. So because we were participants, and we can only evaluate our role, we can only usually conclude that it must have been our fault. We never say - "why not them?" We always say "Why me....?" I think it is not self-esteem but I am very perfectionist and I want to do everything right... Perfectionists are notorious for having low self-esteem. Because they never come up to their own expectations. How can you - or anyone else - be perfect? It can't be done. Ergo - Low self-esteem. But maybe I didn't, it was him, and that's why I turned to you for a 2nd opinion. Mind your backs!! Coming through!! Link to post Share on other sites
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