screwedup®retful Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 OK, so, I have been involved since June in an amazing relationship with a women I am thoroughly convinces is my soulmate. We had a fantastic relationship, great in every way and we mutually stated the same. She is divorced for a few years and I am in the middle of a divorce which is nearing an end, but which has been a fairly settled and amicable one. Each of has kids from our marriages. I have struggled a bit during some of the celebration times that are my firsts without my kids. My Birthday was the first one and then, recently, the holiday season. When I was going through my birthday, for some reason, my missing of the family unit (not the ex-wife mind you) pulled me into some sort of funk and I withdrew from her and kind of abruptly broke things off. Within a day or so, I realized my mistake and came out of my funk and called her and we, after about a week or so, worked things out. Things were great again as if nothing had happened. She had told me once we reconciled that if I pulled away from her again, she wouldn't be able to make the same decision she made this time around. Well, sure enough, when the Christmas Holiday rolled around, I withdrew again. And when I finally came to my senses and tried to get in touch with her (after about 10 days), she refused to respond to me either by phone or text. She had a friend call me and tell me to leave her alone and that she was moving on with her life. Here I am, regretting how STUPID I was. It was totally me and my funk that screwed this up and I now know what is causing my withdrawals and have taken steps towards fixing it. But, I still can't get her to speak to me. I know that if we were able to communicate (which is something we always did incredibly well with any degree of conflict, however, minimal, we would encounter) then we could work this out, reconcile and be on our path towards a ridiculously happy relationship again. When I tried to contact her and her friend got back to me, I stopped contact and that's been about 10 days now. Should I be looking to move on or do you think that in time, she will be able to forgive me and see if we can make what truly was a fantastic relationship work again? Link to post Share on other sites
nature Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 First of all, why did you withdraw from her? Why did you break it off with her just because you were having problems coping with not seeing your kids. How did withdrawing and breaking up with your girlfriend help you? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Unfinished business... OP, a good one got away. Finish your emotional business with your family dynamic before making another attempt with anyone. If you don't, this will happen again. Leave her alone until that time. Then make one attempt to contact her and honestly express your regret for your behavior. Accept her response. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Unfinished business... OP, a good one got away. Finish your emotional business with your family dynamic before making another attempt with anyone. If you don't, this will happen again. Leave her alone until that time. Then make one attempt to contact her and honestly express your regret for your behavior. Accept her response. Good advice! Bear in mind that once trust and respect are lost, it's very difficult to regain. You've now withdrawn twice, even though, and I'm guessing this, that you probably stated you wouldn't withdraw again after the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 You hurt her and she forgave you. You hurt her again and she felt foolish and betrayed. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Fool me a third time...oh yeah it stops at two because after that it is just shame on me, shame on me, shame on me. If you really care about HER and not just yourself you will get all of your crap sorted out and only then think about approaching her again. And as the previous poster said, accept her response whatever it may be. That is the LEAST you can do at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
nature Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I agree...I sense your ex is fed-up, and not in to dealing with all the drama in your life. And she probably feels that you deal with it in a very immature manner, and she is more than likely, just not into going down that road again. There is something very unappealing about someone who doesn't cope with issues in a productive, mature manner. It can be a real turn off, to say the least. So perhaps write her a letter, explain yourself, then leave her alone. Keep working on yourself, get your life figured out, and then see if you are ready for a relationshiop. Perhaps your ex will come back, but for now, leave her alone. Your life is not figured out. It was only a few wks ago that you pulled this disappearing/break-up stunt on her...for the second time in only 6 months. It would become irritating to her. And she is more than likely thinking, "I dont' need this dramatic bs in my life." So get yourself figured out and then consider a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author screwedup®retful Posted January 19, 2009 Author Share Posted January 19, 2009 ...I suppose that the advice you've all given is sound. As to the question of why I withdrew, it was really just a funk I was in. You know, we each go through a healing process and the process I was going through led me to withdraw. It had NOTHING to do with my feelings for her but I felt like I had to push her away to keep her from seeing me go through this process. In hindsight and knowing her, she would have supported me through the process and been a wonderful support, but I guess I just didn't want to burden her with that. Once I bounced back, I reached back out to her, but by then, the damage had been done. She is an incredible person and deserves a lot better, but I know that when we are together and happy, I give her all of that and more, which is where I guess my major struggle is. I feel as though this process that I have gone through raised my self-awareness to a level that I can offer something I probably didn't offer before in the realm of stability and promise keeping, because I know what I need to do at the onset of something like this, if it were to happen again. So, if I want to explain this to her, is there any advice on how to be able to re-establish a connection so that we can have a dialogue? I know that she is probably very, very hurt from my actions and I want her to know that I am committed to getting through the process and working things out...IF that is what she wants for her life, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I feel as though this process that I have gone through raised my self-awareness to a level that I can offer something I probably didn't offer before in the realm of stability and promise keeping, because I know what I need to do at the onset of something like this, if it were to happen again. Isn't that what you said last time? There obviously was some major discussion when you got into your "funk" the first time. Didn't you tell her that you were all better and would never ever do the same thing again? But you did. How long was it in between these episodes? My guess is moths. A short time. And yet you are thinking if somehow you just explain it all again it is going to sound different somehow and like magic she'll just forget how much pain you caused this poor woman. She trusted you and you betrayed that trust -- not just once -- but twice. I'm not sure anyone can advise you about how to win her back or even have her talk to you. You just made a terrible spontaneous mistake. Twice. It may be your cross to bear. Link to post Share on other sites
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