Dumpee in more pain in the short-run..do some dumpers feel more pain in the long-run?

[bubblegum]

Someone posted something in a thread that I think is interesting...the idea that the dumpee might feel more pain in the short-run due to feelings of rejection and abandonment, and that some dumpers might feel more pain in the long-run... due to ???

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

[durotto]

No .. most dumpers think about what they are doing then dump .. rarely do they regret their mistakes or giving up on the relationship .

 

my ex got engaged in 3 months .. 3 months .. and what do you expect me to say .. that 4 years later she will regret leaving me ?

 

I doubt it ..

 

once they have moved on it is better that we too move on .. make a conscious effort to make ourselves better and get on the dating circle again .. .. the better we do so .. the happier we will be ..

[againstallodds]

Some of them do regret it (my exes did) it may be years before that can happen and they may not but why wait and find out when you can be with someone better and deserve you. .

[neverlost]

I certainly think it is possible for the one who dumped you to maybe a while down the line, start seeing other people and realise you did more for them, or were closer to them, made them fele better about themselves etc.

 

Or the old the grass ISN'T greener on the other side. If they finish with you and being single isn't what they expected, and they see you getting on with your life, I guess they could feel pain then.

 

But saying that, once they start seeing someone else they may be blind to that persons faults for a little while as it is all new. So don't rely on them feeling bad, just believe that they don't have the power to ever make you feel bad again.

 

Take care,

 

-neverlost

[durotto]

The future is now ..

 

No use dwelling on what ifs or if or but or bla bla ..

 

You just need to move on with your own life .

[heartbroken55]

My Ex wrote me saying that she will probably regret her decision when her next love doesn't make her feel the same way I did.

[bubblegum]

I started this thread for general informational purposes only, not to get my own or anyone else's hopes up . Of course the dumpee shouldn't sit around waiting for the dumper to finally "feel the pain" and "come to his or her senses."

 

Personally, as a dumpee, after a few days of feeling awful and time to reflect, I found myself realizing the profound benefits of the split. But the concept of a delayed-pain reaction by the dumper is not foreign, if you read enough posts here. Many, many of them contact the dumpee just when the dumpee is truly moving forward and living a healthy life without them. And BTW, just because someone feels loss or pain doesn't mean they want to get back together to quell the pain, that wouldn't be the right reason anyway.

[peteyj]

Who knows. My soon to be ex-wife was talking to me the other day about people should never regret things they did in their lives, and then she proceeds to say she has one big regret now. And then that night she proceeded to go out with some guy and hasn't been home since.

 

If this were a few weeks ago, I might have felt differently, but now the only thing I feel is she needs gas money soon and she's going to say or do whatever to find a way to get that money. I'm not giving her a dime but she might think she still can manipulate me into giving it to her.. Heck the other night I was out partying with some friends at a club and she texts me saying, "if i'm too drunk to drive she'll come pick me up." I don't think any of this would really happen if we weren't living together or if she actually moved in with the guy she ended our relationship for..But hey he's a loser and I guess that's why she regrets things.

 

I'm not an ego maniac to think "Hey nobody will ever love her like I did" but knowing all the things I've done for her over the years I'm pretty certain she's going to have a hard time finding somebody like me. Maybe she doesn't want that, especially considering all the people she's seeing now aren't exactly the best of the bunch so to speak. All I know is I know who I am and I never played games or lied to her or was dishonest. Yeah there were some rough times but through thick and thin so to speak, I was by her side. And there were a lot of times where maybe I should have walked. I mean she rarely worked and barely went to college and we didn't have kids. So she was the stay at home wife who didn't keep the house or apartments perfectly clean.

 

Hey maybe she will find the perfect guy for her and I hope she does, but at this point it's obvious I'm not that guy and she is definitely not a person I would ever want to be with. I don't buy the whole "fog" theory. Yeah there is some kind of fog but it's like the whole 'drunk' honesty theory. Sometimes you can't just dismiss things people say or do cause they are drunk or in a fog. Sometimes it's hard to accept the truth. And for my relationship it obviously wasn't just the past two months where she felt like this. And who knows if she ever did anything before. Even if she didn't it's almost like she just stuck around for a free ride and as soon as she met some guy who she thought was better for her, she jetted. The only regret she might have now is the fact her new bf was far from better.

 

And in the grand scheme of things I'm not going to settle for "hey i came back to you because the other guy wasn't what I thought." It would only be a matter of time before it happens again.

[durotto]

Your question I know is for information only. my answer is also like that ..

 

no offence pls if I sounded rude ..

 

People always make decisions on what they know in the present and what they have seen in the past happen . we cannot predict the future ..

 

we can only hope to be happy .

 

So the real answer to your question is that no one knows who will be happy in the future .. but it is true that in the short term the dumpee suffers a lot .

[bubblegum]

And in the grand scheme of things I'm not going to settle for "hey i came back to you because the other guy wasn't what I thought." It would only be a matter of time before it happens again.

 

Good for you peterj! That's the risk all dumpers take, that the dumpee will see them thru a different lense after the breakup, and no longer cares how they feel, good or bad.

[bubblegum]

no offence pls if I sounded rude ..

 

None taken at all durotto! I just wanted to redirect this discussion toward the question of pain felt on both sides, and not keep it at "who cares, move on, don't hang on to false hope..."

[socialight]

if dumpers do feel regrets I would wager that they come well down the road, after they have learned that the grass isn't greener or other life lessons.

 

Dumpers will also feel a lot of pain (short term) if they have a concious and feel guilt over their actions.

[nature]

Years ago my sister dumped her long term boyfriend. They had been together for 4 yrs. He was devestated. She was cold as ice. He begged, cried, pleaded, tried to get her back. She would have none of that. Within a week she had a new boyfriend, while her ex cried and was depressed for nearly a year.

 

Well 3 yrs after she dumped him, she was travelling thru Europe with another new boyfriend, and suddenly she realized she missed her first ex. "the one" she had coldly dumped. She therefore, dumped her current boyfriend while in Europe, flew back early, tried to get back with her ex that she had hurt, and he would have none of it. He had moved on.

 

She was a mess. A mess for nearly two years trying to get back wtih him. She was now the one crying, devestated and depressed for two years. But no matter what she tried, he was over her.

 

to this day, 10 years later, she still regrets having broken up with him in the first place, and still says she will always love him. She has a hard time talking about him without crying, still to this day.

[not_a_happy_camper]

Years ago my sister dumped her long term boyfriend. They had been together for 4 yrs. He was devestated. She was cold as ice. He begged, cried, pleaded, tried to get her back. She would have none of that. Within a week she had a new boyfriend, while her ex cried and was depressed for nearly a year.

 

Well 3 yrs after she dumped him, she was travelling thru Europe with another new boyfriend, and suddenly she realized she missed her first ex. "the one" she had coldly dumped. She therefore, dumped her current boyfriend while in Europe, flew back early, tried to get back with her ex that she had hurt, and he would have none of it. He had moved on.

 

She was a mess. A mess for nearly two years trying to get back wtih him. She was now the one crying, devestated and depressed for two years. But no matter what she tried, he was over her.

 

to this day, 10 years later, she still regrets having broken up with him in the first place, and still says she will always love him. She has a hard time talking about him without crying, still to this day.

 

that is really scary. why did she break up with him? that's so awful!

[nature]

She was young, 22. They had been together since they were 18. He was seriously the PERFECT boyfriend. And I don't believe in "perfect", but he really was. So she didn't know any better at the time. She thought "the grass was greener" out there. She realized it wasn't. And to this day, she still realizes it. She gave up a good one. One of the best. He is now happily married, with 4 beautiful kids, an amazing house, etc.

[motive2002]

Years ago my sister dumped her long term boyfriend. They had been together for 4 yrs. He was devestated. She was cold as ice. He begged, cried, pleaded, tried to get her back. She would have none of that. Within a week she had a new boyfriend, while her ex cried and was depressed for nearly a year.

 

Well 3 yrs after she dumped him, she was travelling thru Europe with another new boyfriend, and suddenly she realized she missed her first ex. "the one" she had coldly dumped. She therefore, dumped her current boyfriend while in Europe, flew back early, tried to get back with her ex that she had hurt, and he would have none of it. He had moved on.

 

She was a mess. A mess for nearly two years trying to get back wtih him. She was now the one crying, devestated and depressed for two years. But no matter what she tried, he was over her.

 

to this day, 10 years later, she still regrets having broken up with him in the first place, and still says she will always love him. She has a hard time talking about him without crying, still to this day.

 

That is the ultimate fantasy for the dumped. That their ex will so regret their decision... after the dumpee has reached indifference.

Don't rely on this happening though... and if it does it can literally take years for the regret to sink in.

[lilmrcheerful]

Years ago my sister dumped her long term boyfriend. They had been together for 4 yrs. He was devestated. She was cold as ice. He begged, cried, pleaded, tried to get her back. She would have none of that. Within a week she had a new boyfriend, while her ex cried and was depressed for nearly a year.

 

Well 3 yrs after she dumped him, she was travelling thru Europe with another new boyfriend, and suddenly she realized she missed her first ex. "the one" she had coldly dumped. She therefore, dumped her current boyfriend while in Europe, flew back early, tried to get back with her ex that she had hurt, and he would have none of it. He had moved on.

 

She was a mess. A mess for nearly two years trying to get back wtih him. She was now the one crying, devestated and depressed for two years. But no matter what she tried, he was over her.

 

to this day, 10 years later, she still regrets having broken up with him in the first place, and still says she will always love him. She has a hard time talking about him without crying, still to this day.

 

My sister's fiancee was dumped by his girlfriend 4 years ago because she cheated on her so horribly whilst they were engaged.... Well, now after 4 years, she's chasing him but he's engaged to my sister. He is one of the most lovliest guys you'd ever wish to meet (along with myself lol) so I can see why this can happen. You know what angers me about dumpers, that they think they can remain in control at all times, I mean what gives them the right to pursue someone they "think" may want them back say even after 4 years as in this case, it's rather arrogant and selfish of them.

 

I sincerely hope that doesn't happen to me with my situation especially when I've moved on..!

[socialight]

wow. there is a god!

[nature]

I think if you've really loved someone, you have to grieve the loss at some point. Regardless of whether you are the Dumper or Dumpee. Becasue the Dumper is the one in control and makes the decision to end the relationship, the Dumpee is naturally forced into grieving immediately. While the Dumper has the upper hand, carries on their merry way, and at some point it hits them. It has to, if they've really loved someone.

 

I know lots of stories wherein the Dumper has regretted the break up. Because they broke up for the wrong reason. Or as a way of punishing the Dumpee, in hopes that the Dumpee and will beg and plead for them back, so that things can all be on their terms. Often, I think people dump others for the wrong reason. As a way to manipulate and control the boundaries of the relationship. But if the Dumpee is strong, and goes into NC, it backfires on the Dumper. And this is when the regret sets in.

[lilmrcheerful]

I know lots of stories wherein the Dumper has regretted the break up. Because they broke up for the wrong reason. Or as a way of punishing the Dumpee, in hopes that the Dumpee and will beg and plead for them back, so that things can all be on their terms. Often, I think people dump others for the wrong reason. As a way to manipulate and control the boundaries of the relationship. But if the Dumpee is strong, and goes into NC, it backfires on the Dumper. And this is when the regret sets in.

 

I think this is my situation summed up to a "T", my gf wanted her ex bf close to her whilst also with me, best of "both worlds" so to speak and I wasn't having any of it, but I also didn't end it first because knowing the kind of person she was, I didn't want to give her control of the situation and I knew that eventually she would have to choose and that's exactly what happened, so now psychologically the guilt rests on her rather than me dumping her first which would have allowed her to say "see, look he dumped me" in which she would have mistakenly taken as a green light to get with her ex, a bit like the natural course of action. No, the very least I could do here for my piece of mind is to allow her to trip up on every single step she took and thus far she has done so.

[kizik]

All of these questions about the dumpee and dumper, and why and how they feel, are totally irrelevant. They originate from LS-ers (understandably) trying to comprehend what happened, but here's what you gotta get: none of this thinking will bring them back, and you have to move on with your life.

 

We all want the answer: do they miss me? What were they thinking? Why???

 

There are no answers to these questions.

 

Here's a scenario: you ask your ex, "Why'd you do it?"

 

They respond: "You weren't right for me."

 

Well, who knows if that's the truth anyway, and if what they feel is even logical or reasonable. People are mean, fickle, selfish creatures. So:

 

1) There's no point in asking because

2) You'll never get the answer because

3) Your ex is full of bullsh*t and won't tell you the truth anyway and

4) If they do tell you the truth ("you were a bad listener"), that's going to hurt your self-esteem and cause you to feel unnecessarily guilty.

 

Stay away from wondering and trying to piece everything together. I promise you, it will do you no good. Okay, so you made some mistakes. Don't dwell on them and don't beat yourself up.

 

Once you forgive yourself for having the vulnerability of allowing yourself to love - which is not a mistake - you can stop asking stupid "what if" questions and move on with your life.

[not_a_happy_camper]

I think this is my situation summed up to a "T", my gf wanted her ex bf close to her whilst also with me, best of "both worlds" so to speak and I wasn't having any of it, but I also didn't end it first because knowing the kind of person she was, I didn't want to give her control of the situation and I knew that eventually she would have to choose and that's exactly what happened, so now psychologically the guilt rests on her rather than me dumping her first which would have allowed her to say "see, look he dumped me" in which she would have mistakenly taken as a green light to get with her ex, a bit like the natural course of action. No, the very least I could do here for my piece of mind is to allow her to trip up on every single step she took and thus far she has done so.

 

i'm not pointing you out specifically cheerful, but citing this as an example.

and i know i'm guilty of this too to a certain extent. we probably all are here. i just think it's so sad, that if we love these people and they supposedly love us back................it's so sad that people end up manipulating the situation so that the other person comes out bad. i know obviously we all want to be feeling better, and we're mostly here because we were the ones who felt worse...............i think it's the principle of the thing is what i'm getting at! oh this is a silly post that makes no point!

[lilmrcheerful]

that if we love these people and they supposedly love us back................

 

I loved her so much and I still do and probably will for a long time to come. I understand what you're saying about manipulation but it's not a path I chose, she did and I couldn't allow her to continue using my reasons for her behaving innappropriately against me and my good will, no I wasn't having it anymore, she was - in affect - asking for permission to be unfaithful!! So instead of getting angry with her, I wanted her to continue on that path to see how far she would take it, not because of anything other than in the hope she realised what she was doing - she never did realise and hence the breakup, but I tried this as another approach to see if that would get her to understand instead of always telling it to her face like how we would normally do because she clearly wasn't understanding it the conventional way. If she ever has to reflect back on this, whether it be now or later, she will know how much I loved her by allowing her to have the choice on what she wanted and what made her happy, she chose that path all by herself and now she can't say that I pushed her there because she was free to chose...

[EmperorR]

I Wouldn't be shocked if my cheating fiance realizes one day, but hey I don't even care if she does I'm past that now. But everyone who knew us everyone knew I treated her like a queen better than a man is suppose to treat a women her loss.

 

THe point is I don't care anymore at all, im at the point i'm happy, I found someone else, and I hope my ex is always happy and never regrets what she did because I don't want someone like that ever to even try contacting me ever again.

[not_a_happy_camper]

I loved her so much and I still do and probably will for a long time to come. I understand what you're saying about manipulation but it's not a path I chose, she did and I couldn't allow her to continue using my reasons for her behaving innappropriately against me and my good will, no I wasn't having it anymore, she was - in affect - asking for permission to be unfaithful!! So instead of getting angry with her, I wanted her to continue on that path to see how far she would take it, not because of anything other than in the hope she realised what she was doing - she never did realise and hence the breakup, but I tried this as another approach to see if that would get her to understand instead of always telling it to her face like how we would normally do because she clearly wasn't understanding it the conventional way. If she ever has to reflect back on this, whether it be now or later, she will know how much I loved her by allowing her to have the choice on what she wanted and what made her happy, she chose that path all by herself and now she can't say that I pushed her there because she was free to chose...

 

 

gah!!! i didn't mean that you were being spiteful or that..........but do you see what i mean in that...............from what i've read on so many threads here, so much of these relationships eventually turn into mindgames....................who's going to out do the other person, just so one of us will end up on top. i know that it's not always with the intention of hurting the other person, although that comes into it. a lot of it is self preservation. which is obviously good for that person. i guess i'm being naive............and wearing my rose tinted glasses! i just think it's sad that something that starts out so wonderful and with the best intentions in the world can turn so sour in the end. it's life. and it's a part of it that sucks bigtime!