My bf broke it off with me

[sunflower]

Just this weekend.

 

I knew things were not going all that well for the last little while, and believe it or not, the day he broke things off, I woke up with an incredible sadness. I just knew something was wrong.

 

I remember driving to the dentist on that day, in the morning,and I just suddenly felt like crying in the car.

 

Anyway, we had only been going out for 5 months, and well, I don't know, I was kind of expecting it. A woman can sense these things.

 

 

The funny thing is, I was completely and totally OK with it. I don't know if I'm turning into some cold hearted b**ch or something, but, I don't know, I wasn't upset, I just told him that he was right and it's best we just break things off.

 

He used the "it's not you, it's me" line. He was very honest, very frank with me.

 

He told me that he probably loves me, but, he can't take it to the next level, and he went on to say that he doesn't want to dis- illusion me by making me think that perhaps one day, this relationship would lead to marriage.

 

I wasn't really saying much, I just agreed with him, and l pretty much let him to all the talking.

 

I looked into his eyes, and they were sad looking. He was mad at himself for breaking things off, but he said he isn't ready to take it to the next level. He told me that when he's with someone, he wants to be sure.

 

He told me friends of his were trying to set him up, but he was telling them about me, blah blah blah.

 

He said it was hard meeting people, and that he remembers being extremely shy in his younger days (teenager), and that he lost his virginity pretty late, etc etc.

 

He had a group of friends that would hinder him, he broke free from them, and now feels a little less shy.

 

Oh well. He then went on to say, that maybe he idealizes romance too much and that what he sees on TV is the ideal,etc etc. I was thinking all along that "boy, he's got a lot of growing up to do..."

 

I told him that no one is perfect and that in love, and in relationships, there are a lot of compromises to be made, and that a balance needs to be achieved, and that things grow with time.

 

He said that I was his longest relationship ever, and that he really has no one to compare me with.

 

What I got from that, is that he wants to explore and see what's out there, which is all fine with me. We were not on the same wavelength in that regard, and so that was the gap.

 

He was shocked at how well I was taking it. (after all, what was I to do? Jump and scream?)

 

Well, I guess it hit me today. I feel sad and hurt. My friends kept telling me that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and that someone better will come along.

 

I know when someone isn't ready, you cannot force it. It's like buying a house. Certainly you wouldn't buy the first one you saw, even though you may like it very much, but you would want to shop around, and check what else is out there. Who knows, you may sometimes come back to your first choice of house.

 

I'm not saying I was ready for marriage with him either.. And to be honest, I am glad that things happened the way they did NOW, as opposed to say, 6 months down the road. As more time passes, it gets more difficult naturally, and he realized that, and had the guts and courage and he was honest enought to tell me, instead of keeping me as a good-for-now girl.

 

Anyway, he wanted to make love one last time (can you believe it?) I had to turn him down. Told him that although it would be nice, there was no way we were making love.

 

It was a hard thing to say no, but I know that if we did make love, it would be a lot harder for me to start letting go and to stop daydreaming about the 'could have beens', so to speak.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to get things off my chest. Since I chewed my girlfriends' ears off over this weekend, I thought I'd come here and let loose too! :-)

 

Figures, it's my luck to be with someone, who at the age of 32, needs to find himself. (just joking)

[quankanne]

for being woman enough to not dispense any games or mind-screwing when you and your guy broke up.

 

You joked about maybe being a cold-hearted b*tch, but I don't sense that -- you've decided to be mature about the matter, and believe you me, that's going to go a long, long way with this guy. From now on, every relationship he goes through, he's going to hold you as the standard of how to do things right.

 

You are a gem, and some guy is going to figure that out and snap you up. Meanwhile, hold your head up high, because you've taken the hig road and acted like a lady, not a thwarted brat.

[Tony T]

Sounds to me like you had a civil and rational break up for very valid reasons.

 

Break ups are always sad no matter what the reason. But between the lines, I read that you were sort of expecting this to happen and you never really believed this was a keeper.

 

I don't think it'll take you very long at all to get over this. You'll have some good days and some bad days.

 

Stay busy and just don't rush into anything.

 

The next time you're in a relationship and that little voice inside of you keeps telling you it's not going anywhere, listen to it...although my wish for your is that this will never happen again.

[sunflower]

Thank you indeed for your replies. I feel better.

 

As one door closes, another opens.

 

Thanks again for your well wishes. They mean alot.

 

Cheers, and stay well.

[bhsunny21]

I cannot tell you how much this sounds like me. The my boyfriend and I broke up about three days ago and it is the same exact situation.

 

Reading your post was like reflecting on what happened with me. He told me that he was not ready for the 'next level' and that it was him, not me. That I was one of the best things that had ever happened to him, but he can't go through with something his heart is not in completely.

 

When talking with him, I was not hurt at all. I just agreed with him and said that it had been coming along for awhile. I told him that I wanted different things with him and that this was for the best. I didn't feel hurt, abandoned or anything. I was fine.

 

On the way to work the next day, I felt awful. I felt hurt and rejected. I couldn't understand why I was feeling that way considering that the day before I was okay.

 

I have come to understand that I lost a prospect in my life. Someone I care about. But with the help of my friends and just thinking to myself, I have gotten over the brunt of the hurt.

 

Of course I will feel empty for awhile, and so will you. But know that you will be okay and you will move on eventually. Just have faith and one day you will have forgotten the hurt. That is what I am telling myself.

 

I don't know if this has helped you any, but it helped me just knowing that there is someone out there that knows the confused hurt feeling I have had. Good luck to you!

[clia]

Must be something in the water...

 

I'm going through the same thing now too, with a 32 year old as well! He just could not emotionally commit to the relationship.

 

Oh well.

 

bhsunny and sunflower, I highly recommend reading Men Who Can't Love. It talks about commitment phobic men, and after reading it, you will see that this is not about you at all. (Well, it is in the sense that you are too good, and the guy starts to feel pressure kicking in because he really likes you.) It definitely made me feel better! Realizing this is their deal and not yours lifts a huge weight off your shoulders.

 

And I look at it this way...sure, I'm going to hurt for awhile and feel sad, but in the end I'll get through it and be stronger and smarter for it. And him? Well, he'll still have the same issues and will be incapable of having a relationship with anyone. So who's better off?

[sunflower]

Gee whiz ladies, after reading your posts, I was thinking to myself, yeah, it must be something in the water, because surely it is NOT because of US that these guys couldn't committ.

 

It takes a while to come to believe that, (that it's not us), because at first you might be ok with it (like I was), then all of a sudden you start to wonder about yourself, i.e, you may doubt your attractiveness, or you may begin to think, "gee, maybe I should have said these things, or acted this way, or whatever, the list goes on.

 

 

He told me himself that it was not me, and I believe that. He knew, that deep down inside, he has his own issues to deal with. And like bhsunny21, I was sad a few days after the break up, because I thought that there might have been potential with him. I thought we were coming closer to building on something.

 

Although, toward the end, things were indicating otherwise. But, still, it was disconcerting, even though I sensed things coming to a closure, so to speak.

 

There were no hard feelings at all between us.

 

Sometimes it's good to go through stuff like this, so that when something amazing comes along, you'll know it!

 

Also, I was a bit depressed this weekend, because a few of my friends are getting married soon, and there was talk of wedding plans and other stuff...but, there is a saying that relationships that don't 'happen' or move on, are the best kind, only because they really weren't meant to be.

 

Anyway, you both sound strong, and you both are lovely women no doubt, in all regards.

 

bhSunny 21, I'm glad you feel better about your situation, knowing that someone ( me !) , is going through the same thing.

 

The important thing is to keep busy. On the go, I don't think about him. It's just when I'm winding down for the evening, I miss him, naturally. I miss his laugh, I miss the smell of his cologne, his jokes, his intelligence...

 

But, despite all that, he is emotionally immature, and I can't have that. These guys are simply not ready, so it is THEM.

 

But all of this doesn't matter. We move on.

 

Thank you Clia and bhsunny21 for your warm words, and Clia, I am going to get my hands on that book, because someone else has also recommend I read it, so it must be good!

 

And in the end, we will only get stronger and smarter - and flirt like hell at the next party - which I did this weekend. Ha!

 

Good luck to you both as well.

 

Until next time, cheers!

[Rilke-boy]

Hi sunflower, I checked out your posting after I saw your name, given that you had answered me. It's nice to find a kindred spirit, at least in some degree. I suppose that my break-up was not only because of the other person's possible fear of commitment, but it was definitely an element.

 

My suggestions to you are the following: treat yourself well over the next couple of weeks, better than you would normally treat yourself. I'm not a big capitalist, but I have to admit that I bought a fair amount of CDs after my break-up, of music that really spoke to me. Music that allowed me to understand and experience the emotions that I was feeling even more deeply, so I could work through them as much as possible. I read on the web that when recovering from a break-up, you should treat yourself as if you have a cold, a slight one, I believe is what the helpful author said. Of course if you have family around, that's great too. I found that my friends were plenty supportive, but I only wanted them to put up with a certain amount of my grief. Again, i suppose that that's a relative thing, because my break-up affected me very deeply because it was coupled with a big career decision that was the source of great anxiety. So maybe it wasn't that the break-up affected me very deeply in and of itself, but that the break-up in addition to the stress about the career was really rough. So, I would say that actually both things affected me very deeply at the same time.

 

But back to you, for God's sake! Don't be afraid to cry. In fact, I encourage it. Allow yourself to feel these things, and the less you suppress them, the more quickly you'll feel better again. And write if that's your form of expression. If not, then paint or play sports or whatever. Just do something that will allow you to express your grief. Remember, some of the best art in this world comes out of heartbreak, so you might just surprise yourself. I think that I got some good poetry (and hence potential song lyrics) out of this break-up. But I suppose that that is the artist's perspective.

 

And remember, grief is a natural process. There are stages. Not everyone follows them, I'm sure, but they are a good guide, and what's more, they might make you feel less alone. There's denial, anger, and others. I can't remember them all, but a google search (if you know how to use search engines) will key you into what they are and what order they typically come in. But don't over-intellectualize it either, just FEEL IT.

 

So, that's all I can think of right now. And actually, just concentrate on you for the time being. Remember, now you're free to be yourself again, a complete person, and you should enjoy that. Take this opportunity to make a new you, to draw from what you've learned from this person and integrate it into your own life. I know that the girl with whom I was in a relationship until 5 weeks ago or so taught me A LOT and exposed me to all sorts of new things. That things didn't work out is sad, but I'm definitely using what I learned from her to enrich my own life. When two human beings come together like that, it's a wonderful thing, it's like two island-universes melding for just a little while, and the mutations and the evolution that can result from that is something incredible. Rainer Maria Rilke (a German poet who also happens to be the inspiration for my user name) said (and I'm paraphrasing here) that in order to really be able to love someone, you need to recognize that no matter how close you get to that person, there are still unimaginably vast spaces that separate you from that person. And he says (I'm still paraphrasing here!) that true love is when two people are the guardians of each others' solitude.

 

I'm not sure how I got to that from where I started, but just take heart, and know that love will come back again if you want it to. And rejoice in the fact that you did share some beautiful moments with this person, try to see them suspended in time, and then things will get easier. It's still hard for me to rejoice in those moments from my past relationship, but maybe it will be easier for you. And even as I write these words, I do find those moments in my mind and they are bitter and sweet at the same time. Luckily, memories fade. OK, must get back to work.

[sunflower]

Thanks for your kind words.

 

I like what you wrote and what you said.

 

I'm keeping busy with lots of things, so it's all good.

 

I have learned a lot ABOUT myself because of this break up. You can only learn and grow from these situations.

 

That's good that you bought CD's of music that you enjoy. Very therapeutic.

 

I have tons of CD's too that I listen to, just for soothing the soul. And I love it.

 

Movies are good for that purpse as well. Funny ones of course!

[k7a51c0n]

Take it easy 'sunflower',6 months or so is not long unlike me having a reletionship for 5 years and planning to get engaged when the gal runs to another shark,you have yet to feel greater pain if it were to be 1 or 2 years down.Like wat your friend say was true,there are a lot of fish in the sea and who knows that one day a better someone pops out.To be true, I really admire you coz you're strong enough to control yourself by not crying out in the public. Just be yourself,don't rake up the past.Be strong.

[velvet]

He doesnt want to feel like he is in a r/s. He wants to explore other females, possibly males too. I think sex means something and when he asks to have sex one more time with you, than its just sex with no meaning.

 

Two clues that he wants to be pimp of the year. (1) He doesnt want to go to the next level. (2) Can he have sex with you one last time before he moves on to the next.