I desperately want her back..

[nick70]

Hi,

 

I have been dating a woman who lives an hour away for 8 months and we recently hit a real rocky patch. We are no longer together but I really miss her and want her back in my life.

 

Everything was great until December. We started out wanting to keep things light and casual but I knew when I saw her last month that I was falling for her. In that same weekend I had a few drinks and fell asleep. We don't get together very often so she was really angry and disappointed with me. Her last relationship was with an alcoholic. She split with him over a year ago but they were together for 12 years.

 

I apologised. I didn't want to dismiss her feelings completely but I knew I hadn't really done much wrong & the issues were hers to deal with. She went so cold on me after we parted I knew something was seriously wrong. I found it very hard to deal with. She had a habit of going cold on me when something troubled her. Once we had a superb weekend and she backed off because she missed me afterwards and it scared her. This time though I told her I can't take it anymore and I ended it, telling her she needs to learn to trust me.

 

I couldn't leave her alone though because I knew that despite her issues I had fallen for her. We arranged to meet up and had another amazing weekend together but one thing troubled me - she spent a lot of time pushing me away. She even told me to 'date other women' and said 'I'm going to show you the worst of me'. She reminded me over and over how lucky I am to have what every man wants - a casual relationship and to be able to walk away. I didn't understand this but put it down to her trying to keep me at arms length, to protect herself.

 

I think our ideas of casual might be different because I really don't want to compete for her attention. I want a monogomous relationship with some structure to it. She just wouldn't give me an ounce of commitment and doesn't want to commit to one guy.

 

I came home feeling really confused. I am absolutely crazy about her but I had to tell her that I couldn't have a relationship with her on her terms. I don't want to compete for her attention. She understood and we agreed to be friends again. Straight away I thought I had made a mistake. Why would I dump someone I am totally mad about? Even though it was my decision to end it I realised I was throwing away something which could be special, so I called her again last night to say I had made a mistake. She didn't want to know. She said I had misinterpreted things so many times, over analyzed what she was saying and doing, and over-reacted hastily in dumping her twice. There has not been a single nasty word said between us and we haven't fallen out but we just want different things.

 

I want her in my life so badly it hurts. I just don't know what to do now. I want her back but I know she was calling all the shots and she was the one dictating the terms of our relationship. Was I right to end it? Can I do anything to turn this around even after I told her I can't be just a friend to her.

 

Thanks

[DSM-IV Tom]

Go to google.

 

Type in "Personality Disorders".

 

Read the wikipedia that lists personality disorder clusters A-C.

 

Read the disorders. Learn the disorders.

 

Do my work for me.

 

The ***** is psycho.

[nick70]

I don't think she's psycho but she definitely has trust issues and doesn't know what the hell she wants.

 

I read loads about NC, but now that I'm doing it I just don't know whether it's appropriate or whether I should attempt to turn this around or not. Interesting Tom what you said about NC in your more recent thread. I have definitely told her how I feel about her but her rejection of this has given me no choice but to remove her from my life. I can't love someone who is unable or unwilling to love me back, but then again she is fantastic company when we are together and I wonder if a little more patience on my part would have been the best approach.

 

Maybe it's too late now anyway. I'll probably leave her for a month and then email to see if we can be friends again and take it from there, but I know she will think by cutting her off I am being childish.

 

Cheers

[Template]

I truly feel and understand what you are going through. I just broke up with my girlfriend, and despite how bad she treated me, I can't deny that right now my heart just wants to be with her. The fact remain however, that she doesn't want to be with me. You'll really have to ask yourself, shouldn't true have equal reciprocating feelings-she wants to be with you and you with her?

 

Keep on with the NC. It's a system that works. Often times we do doubt the system, but in the end you hardly ever hear anyone here complain that it didn't work for them.

[Sysyphus28]

I don't think she's psycho but she definitely has trust issues and doesn't know what the hell she wants.

 

I read loads about NC, but now that I'm doing it I just don't know whether it's appropriate or whether I should attempt to turn this around or not. Interesting Tom what you said about NC in your more recent thread. I have definitely told her how I feel about her but her rejection of this has given me no choice but to remove her from my life. I can't love someone who is unable or unwilling to love me back, but then again she is fantastic company when we are together and I wonder if a little more patience on my part would have been the best approach.

 

Maybe it's too late now anyway. I'll probably leave her for a month and then email to see if we can be friends again and take it from there, but I know she will think by cutting her off I am being childish.

 

You sound like you have the right idea man. She isn't psycho because she doesn't know what she wants, alot of people never know. ALOT of people. Sometimes you have to let time do the talking and chill out on a situation until emotions don't run so high. I can't tell you how it will turn out, but I know if you don't allow people space it all goes straight downhill!

 

Even if it feels excruciatingly crappy to wait, you have to man-up.

[Kamille]

I am compelled to write because a lot of what you write bring me back to issues I had in my last serious relationship: the push and pull (I was the one doing most of the pushing until my ex was the one who decided we were a casual couple), as well as concerns with alcoholism and trust. He chose to end things too.

 

There is a lot of ambivalence in your post, but she isn't the one responsible for it. She knows what she wants. From what you wrote, she has made it clear that what she wants is a casual relationship. The ambivalence comes form you and the fact that you want more then what she is willing to offer. Unfortunately, there is little you can do to change her mind but accept the situation as it is.

 

Your ambivalence seems to stem from the fact that you're damned if you do damned if you don't. If you stay with her, you remain in a vulnerable position that doesn't sit right by you, if you let her go, you lose her. I agree with you that the best bet is probably to let her go.

 

You say no nasty words have been exchanged between the two of you, which must mean that you two communicate respectfully. Why don't you explain to her why you're going to need sometime before you can be friends? Tell her you will be in touch with her when you are truly ready to be a friend and nothing more. If she's mature and not self-centered, she will understand.

[nick70]

She sent me a text thanking me for a gift I sent her before we split. It only arrived yesterday. I had her number again after deleting it.

 

We texted a little about being friends and then today in a moment of weakness I told her I had made a mistake by ending it and I was reacting to my false belief that she was rejecting me. I said she still has a lover when she is ready and I have learned to be patient with her and to take each day as it comes & I want a chance to show her.

 

My intention was not to pressure her but to tell her the door is open and it's up to her but by texting her I have done exactly what I keep promising I wouldn't do.

 

I will be amazed if I hear from her again now. This is exactly what women hate and I can't believe I did it.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Nick it doesn't matter. You're beating yourself up for no reason.

 

You couldn't have gotten her back either way. You could've acted cold and distant (a lie, and counter-intuitive) to try to make her come back to you, but it ultimately wouldn't have worked most likely... and even if it did, things would fall through again like they had before, because ultimately you're still the same people. You can't change yourself truly deep down mentally. You just can't. You could change what's on the surface, but what you're made of is set in stone now.

 

So at least you said what your heart told you to. Long from now when you're over this, at least you'll be able to tell yourself you were true and honest, instead of cold and distant. Because ultimately, it wouldn't have made a difference what you did or said now. So at least you followed your heart. You'll always know that.

[nick70]

Thanks Tom. That's reassuring.

 

As the dumper I couldn't go NC without letting her know that the door is open for her when she is ready. It isn't in my nature to be cold and distant to make her chase me. It wouldn't have worked anyway because we are an hour away from each other and she doesn't trust me anyway because I have dumped her twice. She just has issues and to be honest just wants to enjoy her freedom. I respect that. She has told me that from the start & can't change it.

 

So we've both been very honest and now I can do no more. She knows where I am.

 

Thanks

[DSM-IV Tom]

Yes, I understand.

 

Happy to help my friend.

[You'reasian]

Yes, I understand.

 

Happy to help my friend.

 

How's Pittsburgh?

 

Never been. Not a Steeler's fan either, but is it a liveable city?

[nick70]

What a rollercoaster ride the last couple of months have been. If you read my original post you'll get an idea of what happened. We made up. She came over to London and I asked to meet her. She agreed and we had an incredible night. I told her how I felt about her and that I wanted her in my life. She said OK but she needs time because she can't give me what I want right now. We then spent a fantastic couple of weekends together and I really thought we were getting really close. The look in her eyes spoke a thousand words and for two months I have been so happy with our relationship. For her it has been another traumatic period concerning one of her sons who has been jailed for a minor offence. She was devastated by this. I flew over to be with her. She turned on the passion but then felt guilty. It wasn't why I was there so I wasn't bothered by this. I understood she had lost a son for a few months. She travelled to San Fran to take a break and spend time with her sister - nothing to do with me or her son - it was all prearranged a long time ago. We had a 2 hour conversation last week and we talked about feelings and I told her I can love her without fear and I am willing to give her time to trust again.

 

Out of the blue from 5000 miles away she nows tells me it's over again. She's had time to think and although she wanted casual it contradicts her christian beliefs, but on the other hand she can't let me get close to her heart. So she feels like she is trating me badly and being unfair to me. I have nothing to say to counter this. I feel like a victim of her circumstances and I feel angry that she can let it go again when when our time together is always fantastic and if anything a reprieve from everything else going on in her life. She is so mixed up it's untrue. This time there is nothing I can say or do to persuade her otherwise. I am devastated after thinking we were finally going somewhere.