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Understanding is hard


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Old 10th December 2008, 10:47 PM   #1
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Understanding is hard

I am going to apologize to start with, this will probably be long. When I am upset things tend to flow out more so than if I was speaking.

Background: I met my ex about 10 years ago. We were both in middle school. She is a year younger than me. I am 22 she is 21. We didn't really start dating until about 4 and a 1/2 years ago. We got together after my freshman year in college. I came back to our town after spending a year away. We got close and then she went to college about 200 miles away. Things went great for a very long time. The distance was hard at times but it always seemed worth it in the end.

This past September, she was out at a party and ended up drunkenly kissing another guy. I was a bit hurt, but I knew that she drank a lot and that it did not go anywhere. Well after she told me I was hurt, but she broke up with me the next day. Saying that she needed some time to figure things out. That she wanted to make sure that I was the one and that she had nothing else to compare it to. I was devastated, but I tried to respect her wishes. We ended up talking a few times and after a few weeks she said that she wanted me back. I said that I was ok with getting back together but that some trust was lost and that it might take some time for me to regain it. It was not even so much about her kissing another guy. It was more about did she really find out that I was the one so fast?

When we got back together, she came down to visit me and we went out and had fun. In the next couple of weeks we managed to spend about 50% of the weekends together. Which was much more than before. Well during this time I really was working on getting my trust in her back. It was slow going but I could tell that with every passing day it was coming back more and more. I would not waste her time by still dating her if I could not trust her. You cannot have a relationship without trust imo. It was slow going and I could tell she was having some hard times when I was away from her because I was still a bit cautious. When we were together everything seemed fantastic.

Then yesterday... I woke up with a great realization. I could trust her. There was nothing I could do to change actions, and I believed she loved me and that I just had to trust her. I felt that I was finally ready to take that leap back into our relationship and put myself out there. Well I went all day with that feeling. And it really made me happy. Come the end of the night I called her up and told her that I believe I can trust her fully and that I hold no more resentment. That was when it took a turn. I was thinking this would be a happy moment between us. She instead said that the way I had been was eating her up and that she didn't know if she could believe me. She said that it would have been great if it had happened sooner. I will admit. At that point I was not the confident person that I usually show to people. I kept trying to figure out what we could do to make it better. She is coming back to town for about 2 weeks soon. I was thinking that this would be a great time to get things back on track. No work-around was acceptable to her.

Now on to what really confuses me. When we got back together I was a bit apprehensive but she kept saying that even though it was only a couple weeks she knew that I was the person she wanted to be with. Am I looking to much into the timing of things? Was it really just my being to slow in trusting her that pushed her away? I cannot really think of anything I did wrong. I was probably more available than I had been at most times during our relationship. But for so long she told me to show her feelings and how I felt about things. I finally start to do that and not bottle everything up. And then I get dumped? I just don't understand how me doing what she had been wanting was what pushed her away.

I guess more than anything I just don't understand and wanted to vent. I am working on NC, and while its hard right now. (I am going through exams and most of my friends are out of town) I know that for anything to work out for me in the end I have to push her out of my life. Granted I want things to work out with her, but more than anything I have to just worry about me for the moment and be able to live my life first. You cannot force someone to be in a relationship with you. Manipulation and sadness are not valid reasons to stay together. It hurts and I know that after this much time and how much of my life I dedicated and made her apart of it will not be easy to separate.

It almost feels like someone told me I have a flesh eating bacteria on my leg and they have to cut it off to save my life. I like my leg, I've had it for so long I'm not sure what it will be like to live without it. But I do know that it has to be done. It won't be fun or exciting. It will be painful and depressing. But self pity does not get you back up and walking again.
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Old 13th December 2008, 6:10 AM   #2
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yeah dude...

your slow moving DID in fact push her away....

BECAUSE YOU ARE SMARTER THAN HER.

Obviously only someone with decent intellect would EVEN consider taking the proper amount of time in trusting her....you were NOT wrong tho. It takes time to build up trust. Lots of talks, lots of strange details about possible infidelity, no unstable chick could endure...Shes more looking at your guy's relationship as a ****ing t.v. show dude...On when she is happy and (in her case especially) gets away with murder, Off when its time to sit down and give her man the understanding of the situation that WE NEED.

My girl was the same way...broke up with me saying she didnt know if we should be together, she needs to sort out her messed up life, she loves me still yadda yadda. Its all a bunch of bull****. REALLY what these girls want are to be able to do anything short of ACTUALLY get down with guys, in a lot of cases ive wittnessed they did even.

Its not until you see how they react to the questions set before them that you realize if they know any answers...and i bet shes got none for other events that may have popped up...

yeah on my post you had said i have trust issues...i do...but because i was lied to by a really ****ing good liar...she lied to me in the same voice she said "i love you" with when i knew that she was lying. Dont you think that made me question that? Every question leads to another...before you know it the situation is projected into a downward spiral that goes so far, so fast, so out-of-control, that you think everything might not be quite true.

Pretty soon the only thing left to think is that you want to leave this vortex of oddities behind.

I truly do believe that there are girls who are hot that dont kiss other guys...just wouldnt even think about it man....if they did they wouldnt do it...drunk or sober.

I was actually once with this hot girl for awhile who was really really smart....this super hunk-type guy who i know is really cool tried to kiss her....when i went in i heard him talking about this "total bitch" who didnt want to make out, even tho her man wasnt there....that felt good dude....i wish that our personalities didnt collide because she was TOTALLY trustworthy. Theres girls like that....keep that in mind if you can...


and all you did wrong? TRY. You made a good choice dude... and the result SUCKS SOOOO BAD....But that rocks. You rock for that its very mature.
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Old 13th December 2008, 6:51 AM   #3
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Gone, use this knowledge for your future relationships. There are no such thing as a "break". That is the end right there. If you cannot communicate as a couple and resolve an issue before breaking up, how in the hell would things work a second time? It never will.

This has happened to me as well in a way. After a year, girlfriend kissed someone else. She was done but swore her devotion to me. {I plead ignorance, I was 18 at the time) Two more years go by and she left me to sleep with someone else, but the week after she was crawling back begging to take her in.

I do not give second chances anymore. Strike one, you're out.
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Old 13th December 2008, 1:09 PM   #4
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Hell yeah gremio. We gotta tell these girls this ain't a baseball game, it's not 3 strikes your out in real life. Get the hell out of here woman!

lol

Although I am going to get back together with my ex. Rofl. Hypocriticalness on my part
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Old 13th December 2008, 1:48 PM   #5
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Well as they days go by I get stronger and stronger in my convictions about seeing this through. I have already determined that I would not take her back (despite how badly I want to) until it no longer would be a long distance relationship. I'm done putting myself out there for a girl who can say things to my face and then be indecisive when I'm not around. For years I trusted this girl completely. I honestly know that getting back together would not solve anything. It would lessen my heartbreak for the moment, but only to set myself up back at ground zero when she goes through another grass is greener phase. I don't want someone who can't commit to working through things. I don't quit on people I care about. If she does then we are not meant to be together.

I want to thank a lot of you for your help. Most importantly getting to help others has been in turn helping me. I do not see the past as all sunshine and kittens. I remember the good times, but they are memories. I have memories of a beloved family pet, but that doesn't mean I go dig my dog up everytime I think about it.
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Old 13th December 2008, 6:28 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DSM-IV Tom View Post
Hell yeah gremio. We gotta tell these girls this ain't a baseball game, it's not 3 strikes your out in real life. Get the hell out of here woman!

lol

Although I am going to get back together with my ex. Rofl. Hypocriticalness on my part
Back together with her or just a hook-up?
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Old 13th December 2008, 6:33 PM   #7
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Nah I'd never hook up with her. If all I wanted was sex then any girl would do. I plan to get back together with her.

And hell yeah I know the risks. But oh well. I take more risks than Indiana jones
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