Anyone feel like dying?

[ThomasX]

Anyone picking apart themselves and ripping away at their own mind-- against their will?

 

I am telling myself to calm down but it's like my mind has a life of it's own-- it's ripping itself to shreds, making me doubt every positive thing I am-- and questioning everything I am as a person.

 

I feel like my mind is bottling up emotions, and forcing them away-- I can't even cry really. Anytime I can feel any emotion begin to rise, I can feel my mind suppress it. I have no idea how to just let them out, you know?

 

I can't see a psychologist til January, because that's when I get hospitalization. So I feel like I am about to die, because I can't express emotions even to myself. This really began about 8 months after losing my first love. It still hurt so I just ignored my emotions so I didn't feel them anymore.. and I feel like they've taken on a life of their own, along with my mind too.

 

My mind is suppressing EVERYTHING. Who the hell knew this would be my fate, you know? Three years ago everyone loved me, and I loved myself. And here I am, in the wake of something I never saw as being possible?

 

For some more details, please check my new blog.. Just started it to try to vent some feelings... but I don't know how to release my emotions.. my mind suppresses them when they rise...

 

http://thomasxavier.blogspot.com

[Sysyphus28]

Their are people being born into starvation and aids. Their are people that will be homeless through the holidays. Their are people who are turning tricks for another fix of heroin.

 

Your breakup is not the end of the world. Do you have both legs?

Do you have a parent that loves you?

 

Get it together man.

Ok....i didn't work. I got dumped so cold that it was like a hundred kicks in the nuts..........

everyday I felt like a piece of sh**. It gets better.

 

Every man thinks that his burden is the heaviest---BOB marley

 

Go get a drink with some buddies....then do some research on people with REAL problems. Put yourself first.

 

A doctor will just tell you the same sh** in a nice way. Then talk about your past and your parents...then give you some meds!

 

Work through it. Post here.

 

Your not going to die.

[Geishawhelk]

You're functioning in a vicious circle.

You fear something will happen, and your fear perpetuates the event.

This is called a spirally- destructive thought pattern.

 

You need to learn to meditate.

[Geishawhelk]

Your not going to die.

 

Actually - and not that I would wish this on the poster - he is.

We all are.

In actual fact, the reason I recommended the OP practice meditation is because he is having precipitous thoughts rooted in reality, which he is unable to master and control.

His mind is literally "running away with him" and he needs to rein in the stampede and bring it back to a trot.

It's not what he's thinking that is wrong.

It's how his thoughts are controlling him, that is wrong.

[ThomasX]

Interesting, Geish. Can you tell me how YOU meditate? Tell me how to release these mountains of feelings? How do you meditate? I would be very interested in doing this.

[pushforward]

Why not take time and just have a period of grieving properly.

 

Maybe pack all the momentos you have. All the pictures, the notes, everything.

 

Play a sad song while you do all of this. You aren't emotionally closed off. Your mind is just doing what's best for you at the moment.

 

You really need to drop the self defeating mentality. I've been there. You will not find any answers. It's best just leave it as is and walk away.

 

If it takes too much sweat, you don't need it. Time is on your side. Utilize it properly. You say you cannot feel. Yet you keep mentioning the hurt. You are feeling it, I think you're just denying it.

 

Everybody gets heart broken; regardless of how much of a good person you are. Some times it just doesn't work out.

 

I don't mean to offend you in any way. I want you to be completely honest with yourself and accept things. That's what helped me a great deal.

 

Reflect upon what broke up the relationship. What you could have done to make things better and what role did your ex play in it's demise.

 

See your own faults and recognize her own. Take her off the pedestal. You know you're a great person. What happened to that mentality yesterday?

 

You will have periods of up and down. Whatever you are feeling is normal.

 

Keep in mind that your break up is fresh and your emotions are raw. When reality starts to set in. You will hurt a lot. I won't lie. It will be the toughest thing you will go through if you are emotionally attached to this girl.

 

It will feel like a part of you died. You won't know who you are. You won't believe the good qualities that make you, you. This person and you grew together, she became part of your identity. Now that she is gone, you feel this void. It's your chance to rediscover yourself and things you may have already known or don't.

 

Take this as a blessing. You can only become a better person, unless you let her get the best of you. Read your posts from yesterday and compare it to now. Realize you will go through these phases.

 

It takes time and accept you will not get over this for awhile. It's great that you're getting support from other people. Going through this alone may distort your perspective on people. You may not ever trust others again.

 

Know there are people in the world who are hurting like you. Take strength in knowing you are not alone.

 

Who knows what the future may bring. She may or may not come back. If the love was there, there are no limitations on time. It's best that you accept this outcome and move on. You can have a little hope she may come back, but don't make it full blown hope.

 

Just put it away for now and deal with it when it arises. If you are the great guy you say you are. She will be back. No doubt.

 

People as great and loving as us are hard to come by in life. The next guy will not compare. Count on it.

[You'reasian]

Do you live a balanced life?

 

That is, do you have enough interests that keep you healthy. Friends too?

 

That's probably the best thing you can do for yourself.

[Geishawhelk]

Interesting, Geish. Can you tell me how YOU meditate? Tell me how to release these mountains of feelings? How do you meditate? I would be very interested in doing this.

 

This is the problem.

Realistically, the best thing would be to communicate with you in PMs but of course, as a new member, your PM facility is not yet functioning.

So rather than start an open discussion that will limit the contribution of others, because dialogue between limited participants is discouraged, I'm going to advise you google subjects like 'meditation for beginners', 'Vipassana meditation', 'Monkey Mind' and 'bringing the Mind home'.

 

The following might help, and is from a website that teaches meditation.

It is not copyrighted, but has commercial links attached to it, so I can't post it.

I suggest you copy the following to a word document and print it off.

 

Meditation is the art of focusing 100% of your attention in one area. The practice comes with a myriad of well-publicized health benefits including increased concentration, decreased anxiety, and a general feeling of happiness.

Although a great number of people try meditation at some point in their lives, a small percentage actually stick with it for the long-term. This is unfortunate, and a possible reason is that many beginners do not begin with a mindset needed to make the practice sustainable.

 

The purpose of this article is to provide 20 practical recommendations to help beginners get past the initial hurdles and integrate meditation over the long term:

1) Make it a formal practice. You will only get to the next level in meditation by setting aside specific time (preferably two times a day) to be still.

2) Start with the breath. Breathing deep slows the heart rate, relaxes the muscles, focuses the mind and is an ideal way to begin practice.

 

3) Stretch first. Stretching loosens the muscles and tendons allowing you to sit (or lie) more comfortably. Additionally, stretching starts the process of “going inward” and brings added attention to the body.

 

4) Meditate with Purpose. Beginners must understand that meditation is an ACTIVE process. The art of focusing your attention to a single point is hard work, and you have to be purposefully engaged!

 

5) Notice frustration creep up on you. This is very common for beginners as we think “hey, what am I doing here” or “why can’t I just quiet my damn mind already”. When this happens, really focus in on your breath and let the frustrated feelings go.

 

6) Experiment. Although many of us think of effective meditation as a Yogi sitting cross-legged beneath a Bonzi tree, beginners should be more experimental and try different types of meditation. Try sitting, lying, eyes open, eyes closed, etc.

 

7) Feel your body parts. A great practice for beginning meditators is to take notice of the body when a meditative state starts to take hold. Once the mind quiets, put all your attention to the feet and then slowly move your way up the body (include your internal organs). This is very healthy and an indicator that you are on the right path.

 

8) Pick a specific room in your home to meditate. Make sure it is not the same room where you do work, exercise, or sleep. Place candles and other spiritual paraphernalia in the room to help you feel at ease.

 

9) Read a book (or two) on meditation. Preferably an instructional guide AND one that describes the benefits of deep meditative states. This will get you motivated. John Kabat-Zinn’s "Wherever you go, there you are" is an excellent book for beginners.

 

10) Commit for the long haul. Meditation is a life-long practice, and you will benefit most by NOT examining the results of your daily practice. Just do the best you can every day, and then let it go!

 

11) Listen to instructional tapes and CDs.

 

12) Generate moments of awareness during the day. Finding your breath and “being present” while not in formal practice is a wonderful way to evolve your meditation habits.

 

13) Make sure you will not be disturbed. One of the biggest mistakes beginners make is not insuring peaceful practice conditions. If you have it in the back of your mind that the phone might ring, your kids might wake, or your coffee pot might whistle than you will not be able to attain a state of deep relaxation.

 

14) Notice small adjustments. For beginning meditators, the slightest physical movements can transform a meditative practice from one of frustration to one of renewal. These adjustments may be barely noticeable to an observer, but they can mean everything for your practice.

 

15) Use a candle. Meditating with eyes closed can be challenging for a beginner. Lighting a candle and using it as your point of focus allows you to strengthen your attention with a visual cue. This can be very powerful.

 

16) Do NOT Stress. This may be the most important tip for beginners, and the hardest to implement. No matter what happens during your meditation practice, do not stress about it. This includes being nervous before meditating and angry afterwards. Meditation is what it is, and just do the best you can at the time.

 

17) Do it together. Meditating with a partner or loved one can have many wonderful benefits, and can improve your practice. However, it is necessary to make sure that you set agreed-upon ground rules before you begin!

 

18) Meditate early in the morning. Without a doubt, early morning is an ideal

time to practice: it is quieter, your mind is not filled with the usual clutter, and there is less chance you will be disturbed. Make it a habit to get up half an hour earlier to meditate.

 

19) Be Grateful at the end. Once your practice is through, spend 2-3 minutes feeling appreciative of the opportunity to practice and your mind’s ability to focus.

 

20) Notice when your interest in meditation begins to wane. Meditation is hard work, and you will inevitably come to a point where it seemingly does not fit into the picture anymore. THIS is when you need your practice the most and I recommend you go back to the book(s) or the CD’s you listened to and become re-invigorated with the practice. Chances are that losing the ability to focus on meditation is parallel with your inability to focus in other areas of your life!

Meditation is an absolutely wonderful practice, but can be very difficult in the beginning. Use the tips described in this article to get your practice to the next level!

 

 

Hope this helps.

[melissa123]

Hey Thomas

 

Dont worry your not alone, I feel like dying also.

Keep wishing at night I would fall asleep and then not wake up to face this hell.

I just wish this pain would go away.

I want more than anything for him to come back to me.

I miss him so much

[Chinook]

Hi Thomas

 

What Geishawhelk says is right on the money about meditation. However, I only got to that after I mastered getting a sense of quiet in my head, which wasn't always easy. The easiest way I found to do this is what is sometimes referred to as meditation-in-the-moment (which she also taught me)

 

Basically, it goes like this, you pay attention to the things around you. Completely focus your thoughts on what is going on and not allowing your mind to escape and do it's own thing whilst you're doing something else (auto-pilot). For example, you're driving along the road, notice the car in front, it's colour is blue/red/silver, the license plate says XXXXX etc, coming up to the junction, the light is green and in your rear view is... etc etc etc. Almost run these thoughts through your head as if it's a commentary, talk out loud to yourself if you have to. I found once I mastered this technique, I could apply it to things like breathing in and out... paying attention to breathing in and out, muscles contracting and expanding, breath coming and going etc. It doesn't really matter what the focus is or the topic... your mind is simply focusing on something else. Whilst it is hard at first, it gets easier and when it gets easier, that's how you learn to deal with the not so nice thoughts and feelings about the break up.

[ThomasX]

Thank you all for your attention and caring. It is amazing how there are still warm people in such a cold world. It's inspiring, and very uplifting. I hope you all get even MORE than you ever wanted out of life, because you all should be rewarded for your attention and ability to care for someone you've never met. You are the types of people who should be on TV. All of you.

 

I feel better now than I did earlier. I was going through some very rough patches, and I've been trying to release some pent up emotions that I may have never delt with. It's a process, but I want to move towards it.

 

On a funny note, my priest, who my dad and me went out to dinner with tonight-- gave me a thing of holy water. I sprinkled some around my room and even swallowed some (lol) and I'll tell you, it helps. Big time. I recommend everyone to go get some. (Yes I know that sounds pretty crazy. I don't exactly feel sane at this point in my life......)

[melissa123]

Hey Thomas

 

Just read your blog, it was really great and def helped me! I feel a bit calmer now and a bit more normal.

And yes I reallly am going through what you are to the same degree!

possibly even worse as there is no light at the end of my tunnel!

Your a fantastic looking model, when you do get better you'll be fighting off the offers!

[ThomasX]

Melissa you're far too kind. Are you seriously still single? Hell, i'd imagine its YOU whos fighting off the offers, you know? Thank you very much for the compliment.

 

Glad you took some refuge by reading my blog. That's what it is there for. It truly makes me happy to know you have gained something from it.

 

But-- you AREN'T normal melissa! Normal is boring and... normal. You're special. You're better than normal, you know? Just looking at your personality, and how you're outgoing.. that's so special. Seriously, it's great. I am so happy to think about how happy you're going to be soon. You're gunna be so much stronger when you get through this-- and take my word for it, you'll be so glad you didn't break and cave in and try to crawl back to that guy. He isn't worthy of you, you know?

 

That guy is such a tard for not seeing how golden you are. And I mean that from the deepest deep part of my heart.

[underpants]

ThomasX,

 

I've been checking in with your story.

 

Sorry man. Heartbreak sucks.

 

There are many ways out and eventually you will be okay. Know that.

 

If you really, really feel angry and on the brink then if you can channel that in a productive way. You might move anger to passion to making a difference in some good cause that you choose. Thus restoring a negative with a positive.

 

Kind acts helped me in a time of confusion.

 

You will be okay. Embrace those feelings and redefine the drive.

[melissa123]

Thanks Thomas

 

Thats really sweet of you, I printed that post off. Def made me feel a bit better.

Do you ever feel like this is all your fault?

Im just going through a patch where every single conversation is playing over and over again in my mind.

I feel like everything is my fault and I put to much pressure on him and maybe thats why he ran. Maybe I should have backed off and not given him so much attention.

Gosh this is by far the worst part, to think its all your fault. I hope to god you dont go through this phase.

 

I booked marked your blog and I will read it everyday and it sure is a big help.

By the sounds of your profile you have nothin to worry about in the future! Firstly you have the looks, your a model!

And sounds like your going to be famousin hollywood one day.

Just think of the reaction on your exs face when you become one of the brightest new stars in hollywood! That is sure to make her come crawlling back.

[EmperorR]

I've been there felt like dying, ims ure everyone feels that in the early stages, but just got to keep on going on, there are millions if not billions of people worse off than you.

[pushforward]

Thanks Thomas

 

Thats really sweet of you, I printed that post off. Def made me feel a bit better.

Do you ever feel like this is all your fault?

Im just going through a patch where every single conversation is playing over and over again in my mind.

I feel like everything is my fault and I put to much pressure on him and maybe thats why he ran. Maybe I should have backed off and not given him so much attention.

Gosh this is by far the worst part, to think its all your fault. I hope to god you dont go through this phase.

 

I booked marked your blog and I will read it everyday and it sure is a big help.

By the sounds of your profile you have nothin to worry about in the future! Firstly you have the looks, your a model!

And sounds like your going to be famousin hollywood one day.

Just think of the reaction on your exs face when you become one of the brightest new stars in hollywood! That is sure to make her come crawlling back.

 

Melissa, cheer up dear!

 

What you're going through is normal. I still am going through this and it's been 3 months. There is no time limit on how long this healing process takes. The longer it takes to let go. The more you get to know about how much this person had an impact on your life. In a good or bad way. You do not need to beat yourself up for anything you may have done.

 

You were just being you and thought it was the right choice. Understand that things happen for a reason. Learn from this experience and anything you think is a mistake, try not to repeat them. It's hard coming to terms with things. But if you love him and he loves you, you would work it out. Sometimes people just don't work out no matter how much love and time was spent together.

 

Understand that you are not a bad person. Stop beating yourself up and let it all go. You deserve much better. Until a great man comes into your life; take care of yourself.