Ending things

[Confused]

Hi guys...i've written on this once before regarding a guy i was "seeing" who was not giving me the respect and attention i needed and deserved. After putting up with our casual relationship for over a year, i finally decided to end things because i couldn't deal with the fact that i was not a priority in his life. He was also quite mean and verbally abusive at times. Anyways, when i told him that I couldn't go on like this and that i needed to find a guy who could give me what i needed, all he seemed to say was "if thats what you want to do then do it". He seemed a little sad but still did not try to stop me from leaving as he had in the past. Does this mean he realizes i am not the one for him and therefore won't fight it OR is he too proud to show feelings. If he really wanted me would he have let me walk out of his life without trying to stop me?

[midori]

If he really wanted me would he have let me walk out of his life without trying to stop me?

Probably not, but that's beside the point. You weren't getting what you wanted out of the relationship, isn't that the point? Isn't that why you broke up with him, because you realized that he just wasn't going to give you the respect & love you want? If your break-up was actually meant to be a wake-up call, I think the person who should be waking up is you. Regardless of his reasons, he's not stopping you from leaving him. He isn't showing concern about your reasons, isn't trying to see if the relationship can be mended. Maybe he's dreadfully insecure and doesn't have faith in himself -- possible. Maybe he's a self-centered lout who doesn't care to change to suit anyone -- also possible. There are any number of possible reasons for his apparent lack of concern about your break-up, but none of them are anything you can change. You can't make him believe in himself if he's insecure, he has to do that. You can't make him care if he doesn't. All you can do is walk away if you're not getting what you need from the relationship. Which you have done, and good for you.

 

I just did a very similar thing. I had to cut all communication with my ex, who was blowing hot and cold and creating a lot of emotional havoc in my life -- because I let him. I finally had enough and told him I just couldn't deal with his vacillations anymore. He didn't seem too upset to not be in touch with me anymore. And that hurt since we were together for more than 3 years and had planned at one stage to get married. We were very close friends -- or so I thought. I know what it's like to do what you need to do but still be haunted by questions like, "how can he just let me go?" or "is he feeling anything in this?" I don't know whether it will be easier for you to believe that your guy is suffering or nonchalant about the break-up, but reconcile yourself to the likelihood that you'll never really know and just focus on moving on yourself. I picture my ex happily absorbed in his work, eagerly trying to build a relationship with the new woman he met last month, and basically not missing me at all. It makes it easier for me to be sure about moving on myself that way. I know that any way is tough, but the worst mistake you can make is to view it with him & his feelings at the center. That's not how it should be in your mind -- your feelings should be front and center. Never forget that this guy was either incapable or unwilling to give you what you wanted. That's all that matters in the end.

[clia]

I didn't see your earlier post on this guy, but if you've been in a "casual relationship" for a year and he never tried to move it to a deeper level, then I don't think he wanted to. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that guys who are interested show interest, and they want you all to themselves if they are that interested. Were you often waiting by the phone for this guy? Were you wondering what he was doing when you didn't hear from him? A guy who is interested doesn't just call for booty, and lets you know what he's up to, and wants to know what you're doing, etc. I think if he really wanted you around he wouldn't let you leave without a fight. And why do you want to be with a guy who verbally abused you anyway? You're better off, although the fact that you're posting here and concerned about "what he's thinking" shows me that you haven't realized it yet. Let this guy go and find a guy who is worthy of you. You will be much better off.

Hi guys...i've written on this once before regarding a guy i was "seeing" who was not giving me the respect and attention i needed and deserved. After putting up with our casual relationship for over a year, i finally decided to end things because i couldn't deal with the fact that i was not a priority in his life. He was also quite mean and verbally abusive at times. Anyways, when i told him that I couldn't go on like this and that i needed to find a guy who could give me what i needed, all he seemed to say was "if thats what you want to do then do it". He seemed a little sad but still did not try to stop me from leaving as he had in the past. Does this mean he realizes i am not the one for him and therefore won't fight it OR is he too proud to show feelings. If he really wanted me would he have let me walk out of his life without trying to stop me?

[Gun-shy]

This type of guy I know well. He will be back. Most definatly. He will act nonchalant about the situation you presented, for NOW, but he will try to contact you again in the future. Near future. Actually, cutting it off like you did will insure the fact that he will be back.

 

The question is now...knowing he will try to contact you again, whether it be a week or a month (not a huge question since we know it will be AGAIN), will be getting up enough courgae to leave this ##### behind and realize that you deserve better.

 

Do you deserve better? Yes, I know that, and so do you. Now DO something about it. In fact, if you go out "there" and live your LIFE, he will realize that as well. By that point you won't even want to be where you were. This type of guy will want you more at that point, but...the most imporant part is

 

YOU WON"T CARE.....

 

Good luck,

 

[Confused]

Hi guys...I appreciate the advice i got from the people who responded to my prob. All of you make total sense...it's really hard for me and it sucks because i feel like i'm the only one of the two of us who is feeling like they lost. He was not the greatest person i could have fallen for but i did fall nonetheless and it hurts. I think i feel worse because i gave this guy my virginity a few weeks ago. I feel like a fool because i finally decided to take it there and now i ended it (we only did it like 4 times)...i guess what i'm trying to say is that i got "experience" in a sense but i still feel like a virgin because we never had a chance to really get into it. But I couldn't do it anymore without needing more emotional ties from him.

 

Why do i feel like I'm the one who lost here? Does anyone recommend staying in contact or friends with a guy like this? He told me he loved me a couple of times and he would tell me he cared but i never felt it was very deeply and i knew that he would one day meet someone he was crazy about and things would end eventually. Like i said in my previous posting we were never in a committed relationship but lately we seemed to get a little closer.

[Tony T]

1. "Why do i feel like I'm the one who lost here?"

 

Second guessing a decision is a nice hobby but it is not constructive at all. When you make a decision, stick by it. You feel like you've lost because you are disappointed. Your hopes were bashed. Perhaps you regret having made some mistakes. But you learned, you experienced and you are a better person for it.

 

Rather than feel a sense of loss, why not feel good about what you gained in this. Take it from one who's been there many times, no matter what the sense of loss...in time, the sense of happiness is doubled after healing takes place...because of the experience.

 

2. "Does anyone recommend staying in contact or friends with a guy like this?"

 

Not this one. You obviously were developing feelings for the guy. You must have felt something very special to have lost your virginity to him. Keeping any kind of contact at all will not be good for you emotionally. And what would the purpose be?

 

3. "He told me he loved me a couple of times and he would tell me he cared but i never felt it was very deeply and i knew that he would one day meet someone he was crazy about and things would end eventually."

 

Yet, you felt special enough about him to share that special life moment. OK, fine. Done. But learn to listen to your feelings. They NEVER, EVER lead you astray. We make mistakes when we don't go by our feelings, when we ignore them, when we deny them.

 

If you felt you gave this relationship enough time for his feelings for you to sufficiently develop and you still felt he did not care deeply, you were right to split. Now, some people take longer than others. If you saw him for less than six months, you did not give him enough time at all. A lot of people take that kind of time to care for somebody and that's a good thing. Some take even more but most are not willing to wait around that long. You really don't want guys to start handing you that "I Love You" stuff right off the bat. How authentic can that be?

 

A meal that is cooked over a few hours is far more tasty and better for you than one that comes from a microwave TV dinner in six minutes.

 

4. "Like i said in my previous posting we were never in a committed relationship but lately we seemed to get a little closer."

 

Oh, so when it seemed to start getting better you cut it off??? Uummm. Sounds pretty reasonable to me.

 

I am at a real handicap because you did not say just how long you had been seeing this guy. Hey, this guy did not abandon you...you abandoned him. Most of the time, it's the guy who leaves the girl after he had made his "conquest."

 

I think you were a bit shook and confused. Getting involved with someone sexually, and particularly when it's your first time, is rather frightening for a lot of people and conjures up a lot of emotions and uncertainty.

 

I don't know what you're looking for here because you have ended it and that's that. A friendship would serve no purpose. He may be terrified to get back with a lady who ditches him when the relationship is just getting better.

 

Sit back, do some reflection, learn from this, look into your own mind to see what has motivated you in this particular relationship, and go from here. If you have an issue with intimacy or commitment, perhaps you can get some counselling. There are many people who get quite frightened as a relationship intensifies.

 

There are lots of guys out there who will love you dearly but until you're ready, you're likely to break lots of hearts. Don't think you're the first lady to do this. It's OK. It's just part of life.

 

Move on, enjoy life, and be happy.

[Blown away]

1. "Why do i feel like I'm the one who lost here?" Second guessing a decision is a nice hobby but it is not constructive at all. When you make a decision, stick by it. You feel like you've lost because you are disappointed. Your hopes were bashed. Perhaps you regret having made some mistakes. But you learned, you experienced and you are a better person for it. Rather than feel a sense of loss, why not feel good about what you gained in this. Take it from one who's been there many times, no matter what the sense of loss...in time, the sense of happiness is doubled after healing takes place...because of the experience. 2. "Does anyone recommend staying in contact or friends with a guy like this?"

 

Not this one. You obviously were developing feelings for the guy. You must have felt something very special to have lost your virginity to him. Keeping any kind of contact at all will not be good for you emotionally. And what would the purpose be? 3. "He told me he loved me a couple of times and he would tell me he cared but i never felt it was very deeply and i knew that he would one day meet someone he was crazy about and things would end eventually." Yet, you felt special enough about him to share that special life moment. OK, fine. Done. But learn to listen to your feelings. They NEVER, EVER lead you astray. We make mistakes when we don't go by our feelings, when we ignore them, when we deny them. If you felt you gave this relationship enough time for his feelings for you to sufficiently develop and you still felt he did not care deeply, you were right to split. Now, some people take longer than others. If you saw him for less than six months, you did not give him enough time at all. A lot of people take that kind of time to care for somebody and that's a good thing. Some take even more but most are not willing to wait around that long. You really don't want guys to start handing you that "I Love You" stuff right off the bat. How authentic can that be? A meal that is cooked over a few hours is far more tasty and better for you than one that comes from a microwave TV dinner in six minutes.

 

4. "Like i said in my previous posting we were never in a committed relationship but lately we seemed to get a little closer."

 

Oh, so when it seemed to start getting better you cut it off??? Uummm. Sounds pretty reasonable to me. I am at a real handicap because you did not say just how long you had been seeing this guy. Hey, this guy did not abandon you...you abandoned him. Most of the time, it's the guy who leaves the girl after he had made his "conquest."

 

I think you were a bit shook and confused. Getting involved with someone sexually, and particularly when it's your first time, is rather frightening for a lot of people and conjures up a lot of emotions and uncertainty. I don't know what you're looking for here because you have ended it and that's that. A friendship would serve no purpose. He may be terrified to get back with a lady who ditches him when the relationship is just getting better. Sit back, do some reflection, learn from this, look into your own mind to see what has motivated you in this particular relationship, and go from here. If you have an issue with intimacy or commitment, perhaps you can get some counselling. There are many people who get quite frightened as a relationship intensifies. There are lots of guys out there who will love you dearly but until you're ready, you're likely to break lots of hearts. Don't think you're the first lady to do this. It's OK. It's just part of life. Move on, enjoy life, and be happy.

[Confused]

Ok Tony....Just want to tell you we were together for a year and a half. He always told me he did not want a serious relationship but instead a friendship with a sexual undertone. I went with it for a long time and lied to myself that this was enough. However, when i slept with him for the first time a few weeks ago i somehow expected us to start to see eachother more than once a week. Needless to say, he did not go to any efforts to try to see me more often and suddenly i felt unfulfilled and empty. It was not enough. I expected more and although he got a little closer, it was still not enough for me. Let me know what you think now that you know this info. Thanks

1. "Why do i feel like I'm the one who lost here?" Second guessing a decision is a nice hobby but it is not constructive at all. When you make a decision, stick by it. You feel like you've lost because you are disappointed. Your hopes were bashed. Perhaps you regret having made some mistakes. But you learned, you experienced and you are a better person for it. Rather than feel a sense of loss, why not feel good about what you gained in this. Take it from one who's been there many times, no matter what the sense of loss...in time, the sense of happiness is doubled after healing takes place...because of the experience. 2. "Does anyone recommend staying in contact or friends with a guy like this?"

 

Not this one. You obviously were developing feelings for the guy. You must have felt something very special to have lost your virginity to him. Keeping any kind of contact at all will not be good for you emotionally. And what would the purpose be? 3. "He told me he loved me a couple of times and he would tell me he cared but i never felt it was very deeply and i knew that he would one day meet someone he was crazy about and things would end eventually." Yet, you felt special enough about him to share that special life moment. OK, fine. Done. But learn to listen to your feelings. They NEVER, EVER lead you astray. We make mistakes when we don't go by our feelings, when we ignore them, when we deny them. If you felt you gave this relationship enough time for his feelings for you to sufficiently develop and you still felt he did not care deeply, you were right to split. Now, some people take longer than others. If you saw him for less than six months, you did not give him enough time at all. A lot of people take that kind of time to care for somebody and that's a good thing. Some take even more but most are not willing to wait around that long. You really don't want guys to start handing you that "I Love You" stuff right off the bat. How authentic can that be? A meal that is cooked over a few hours is far more tasty and better for you than one that comes from a microwave TV dinner in six minutes.

 

4. "Like i said in my previous posting we were never in a committed relationship but lately we seemed to get a little closer."

 

Oh, so when it seemed to start getting better you cut it off??? Uummm. Sounds pretty reasonable to me. I am at a real handicap because you did not say just how long you had been seeing this guy. Hey, this guy did not abandon you...you abandoned him. Most of the time, it's the guy who leaves the girl after he had made his "conquest."

 

I think you were a bit shook and confused. Getting involved with someone sexually, and particularly when it's your first time, is rather frightening for a lot of people and conjures up a lot of emotions and uncertainty. I don't know what you're looking for here because you have ended it and that's that. A friendship would serve no purpose. He may be terrified to get back with a lady who ditches him when the relationship is just getting better. Sit back, do some reflection, learn from this, look into your own mind to see what has motivated you in this particular relationship, and go from here. If you have an issue with intimacy or commitment, perhaps you can get some counselling. There are many people who get quite frightened as a relationship intensifies. There are lots of guys out there who will love you dearly but until you're ready, you're likely to break lots of hearts. Don't think you're the first lady to do this. It's OK. It's just part of life. Move on, enjoy life, and be happy.

[Tony T]

As happens many times here, the most important sentence was left out of the original post.

 

YOU NOW WRITE: "He always told me he did not want a serious relationship but instead a friendship with a sexual undertone."

 

So if a guy is always honest and tells you just where the relationship stands, why would you believe otherwise? Are you majorly into self-deception. This guy has done nothing wrong at all, as a matter of fact he kept his word to the "T".

 

I don't think you want a relationship like the one you had, you have learned that now hopefully. Now go for a guy who is honest and looking for the same type of relationship you are.

 

You want to know what I think of this. I think you don't listen to verbal communication and I think you don't process things very well. I think your boyfriend was totally honest with you from the start and totally sincere. I don't think you knew exactly what you wanted in the beginning or your needs changed as the relationship progressed.

 

Don't get involved in anymore of these "friendship with benefits" things. They don't work with a nice lady like you who is looking for more of an emotional connection.

 

Start paying more attention. If you buy a puppy dog and the pet store clerk clearly tells you it doesn't lay eggs, don't expect it to produce them for you at Easter time.