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Difficulty Moving On After Nasty Break Up


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Hi everybody.

 

I'm hoping you all can help me, I'm having difficulty moving forward, I've read a lot of different sites, gathered a lot of advice from friends etc but I'm still finding it hard.

 

I was with my ex for 9 months, it was pretty intensive and we were really close however towards the end of the end of the relationship things started to break down. Two months in she had told me she cheated before taking it back after I understandably got mad, she then claimed it was a test as she hadn't seen me angry before and wanted to test what I'd do as she had bad relationships in the past. But I never fully bought that excuse. After that, I always had my suspisions and that tarnished the relationship, I logically looked at it, there was a LOT of evidence to suggest she did but she always denied it and twisted things and talked me round.

 

Further into the relationship there were a couple of dodgey instances, she went out to a club for her b'day with her girl mates and met some guys and ended up going out with them the next night. She went even though I objected and I think she may have cheated then as he lied about it all. Then there was the thing that made us break up, she slept around a guys house. She said it was all innocent but I found out she had lied to me, had stayed around there more than once and lied about how many times she had spoken to him, I wrote everythign down, looked at it logically and it there was so much to suggest she had cheated with this guy.

 

So I finished her. I went two weeks NC, after that I get a call to my house on the Saturday, I tell her I don't want to speak to her. The day after that I get a text 'I'm getting my fella to come round yours to drop off your stuff'... That really hit me hard and I ended up contacting her and said I'd come around and pick it up myself (which I assume is what she wanted). I get there and she was crying her eyes out, she told me she had cervical cancer as well and that knocked me over and really took my defences down. Although I've no evidence if it is true or not.

 

I found out the 'new guy' was some guy who had fancied her in the past. She had got with him a week after we split although said they'd only kissed. I got back with her for a week and she was still offically with him. After that week I decided I couldn't be with her after all the lies and infidelity so I finished her.

 

The day after, she got back with that guy. In a spiteful move I contacted him and told him how I'd been with her whilst, oficially, she was still with him. He dumped her.

 

A week later I read on a friends myspace profile how she had gone out and had a one night stand with a stranger. A week later I saw another comment whilst snooping on her friends myspace (I know I shouldn't) which said 'We like MEN :D' which seemed a bit slutty.

 

A week later I then I saw her on my work MSN (I'd deleted her on my personal one) and her MSN name was 'I <3 Marco', out of curiosity I looked at her facebook friends, I'd deleted her facebook but you can still look at peoples friends and saw him. Oh and I have deleted her on the works MSN, I forgot she was on there til I saw that.

 

In anger I set up a fake facebook (I know I know, I was just angry) with some unflattering pictures of her and a description saying about all the bad things she had done and some dirt on her. A few days later I took it down, after I had added him and a few other people from her friends list because I knew it would hold me back.

 

After that I went cold turkey, got rid of all stuff from my phone, possessions, gifts. I had a slip up when I checked her facebook pic the other day and saw she had a pic on there, of her posing on a poledancing pole. That killed me and since then I've been feeling really rough, all the bad feelings of the split got to me once again and I was in agony.

 

I am not going to check it again. I'm going to add that throughout the breakup I've recieved a few withheld number calls which I haven't answered, especially the few weeks following the breakup which I assumewere her as I blocked her no from calling me and nobody else would call. They have stopped in the last 2 weeks though. Also I lost my virginity with her and she's the only person I have been with and this was my first serious relationship so perhaps that is why it has been hard for me.

 

I'm sort of at the anger/hurt stage at the moment and hoping to get to the acceptance stage soon. I guess it just hurts that she's done all this stuff post split whilst I've been here, hurting and unable to properly move on.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read and I thank you in advance for all your advice. Sorry about the length of the post too!

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Why did you like this girl in the first place? She sounds very slutty and doesn't seem to worry about your feelings or the feelings of others. However, and this is no excuse, if she actually has cervical cancer (which sounds kinda shady and if she is lying about that, that is totally disgusting and immoral), she may be feeling confused and want to live life to the fullest, which apparently to her (and many Americans apparently) means sleeping around and pushing loved ones away. Or she just made it up and wants to make you mad or guilty or something. No matter what, she sounds like bad news and although you've made a few mistakes (ie. facebooking), you seem like you can do a lot better. Would you really like to be with someone like that? I know it may not seem like it, but there are better people out there for you. Look at my post and give me advice too! I need help like you...I just broke up with my bf a few hours ago!

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Why did you like this girl in the first place?

 

I just fell for her, we can't help who we fall for I guess.

 

 

She sounds very slutty and doesn't seem to worry about your feelings or the feelings of others.

 

Definatley, I tried to get past that although you're very right.

 

However, and this is no excuse, if she actually has cervical cancer (which sounds kinda shady and if she is lying about that, that is totally disgusting and immoral), she may be feeling confused and want to live life to the fullest, which apparently to her (and many Americans apparently) means sleeping around and pushing loved ones away. Or she just made it up and wants to make you mad or guilty or something.

 

The cervical cancer thing she said was said after that 2 week break, so it was a recent thing, so it doesn't go to explain a lot of her behaviour. I really don't know if its true or not, she has lied that much in the relationship.

 

No matter what, she sounds like bad news and although you've made a few mistakes (ie. facebooking), you seem like you can do a lot better.

 

Thanks, I think you're right.

 

Would you really like to be with someone like that? I know it may not seem like it, but there are better people out there for you. Look at my post and give me advice too! I need help like you...I just broke up with my bf a few hours ago!

 

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond and for your advice. I know she has so many bad faults, I was/am (I think) still in madly in love and when you're loved up you don't see things clearly.

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After about 1-2 months of NC, those feelings you want to hold onto start to fade. You start to think a little more clearly, and see things for what they are. I firmly believe that MOST girls dont want to be labeled as "sluts", however, they will use certain circumstances where they feel this behavior is acceptable to bend the rules. Breakups, holloween, new years... The fact that she had a one night stand, to me and from my experience, is par for the course. Girls want to get over you ASAP and part of that is knowing that they can get attention from men when THEY want without having to put much into it (except of course a roll in the hay).

 

My advice to you is this: RUN. This is not good for you, and this person does not have your best interests in mind. Crying happens for a lot of reasons, and one of them is to make you feel guilty. If she needs to talk to some one about her cancer, sure be there. But be careful... I sense that shell call to talk about that, then quickly change the subject.

 

Women who break up want to know you dont hate them and that they could have you back.

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After about 1-2 months of NC, those feelings you want to hold onto start to fade. You start to think a little more clearly, and see things for what they are.

 

I know thats true, I'm just in the painful process of getting there. I keep having flashes of clarity where I make progres but then I have a setback, something comes to mind and I'm back. Sort of two steps forward, one step back.

 

I firmly believe that MOST girls dont want to be labeled as "sluts", however, they will use certain circumstances where they feel this behavior is acceptable to bend the rules. Breakups, holloween, new years... The fact that she had a one night stand, to me and from my experience, is par for the course. Girls want to get over you ASAP and part of that is knowing that they can get attention from men when THEY want without having to put much into it (except of course a roll in the hay).

 

I definatley agree with that. It really stings to know she's had the one night stand and had two relationships, post me (its been 6 weeks since we split) but I know these are rebounds for validation and so they can distract her attention from the breakups, I know her well enough to know she's bad at dealing with her feelings and expressing them, which I guess in a way is a comfort, to know the probable logic to this slutty behaviour.

 

My advice to you is this: RUN. This is not good for you, and this person does not have your best interests in mind.

 

Thanks, I know you're right. Today I had another slip, I checked her myspace (I've deleted her and her account is private so you can only see the profile pic and when they checked the account last, it had a picture of her and her new boyfriend), that was a real sledgehammer in the heart. I had a weird day, I decided to think through things and just remind myself why I'd split with her, thinking about things in detail which is never pleasant. After seeing that I had an urge to just ring her and get her back, it was heartbreaking seeing her with somebody else. So I've been grappling with myself to convince myself not to ring her and try get back with her.

 

And I'm happy to say I've not contacted her.

 

 

Crying happens for a lot of reasons, and one of them is to make you feel guilty.

 

I think her tears were genuine in this situation and I do genuinely think she did missed me, although as the circumstances around her sleeping around the guys house were so suspicious and she told so many lies, I don't think I could take her back as I would never know. So I do think I was right to end it after that week, if I continued there would always have been them doubts, especially with her patchy track record for this sort of thing.

 

If she needs to talk to some one about her cancer, sure be there.

But be careful... I sense that shell call to talk about that, then quickly change the subject.

 

I do not think she'd try contact me about that, I don't know if it was even real, for all I know it was a desperate attempt to keep me with her, I wouldn't put it past her. But if she did, I assume that would happen.

 

Women who break up want to know you dont hate them and that they could have you back.

 

I think its obvious from the rebounding and her post-breakup behaviour that she is hurting like me from the split, I wish she hadn't lied all them times although this was the final thing I was prepared to put up with and I guess I've got to be strong and not give in. I finished her for a reason and I need to remember that.

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply, all other responses would be greatly appreciated.

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Tons and tons of exercise. I burn more than 1000 calories a day just biking, jogging and working out. It helps, plain and simple.

 

Lists and journals: a diary, things you didn't like about her, deal breakers, reasons you can't be friends, things you WOULD like in someone else, things that are GREAT about you, etc...

 

When the pain and sadness hits, just hold on. They will pass. Seriously, you have to literally brace yourself and hold on. Spend as much time with family and friends as you can.

 

Sounds like she really didn't deserve you, bro. Also sounds like she's pretty manipulative and somewhat unstable. Best to keep your distance. Getting married to someone like that could ruin your life, and your kid's life should you get unlucky there.

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