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The Silent Treatment. What is she saying?


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lonelysoulja

What is my ex trying to tell me with her silent treatment?

 

A girl I fell in love with broke up with me five months ago. I didn't see the breakup coming, but the reason that she gave me was that she didn't think I was "that" into her or "attentive" enough.

 

I can admit that I wasn't the best boyfriend because I lacked experience, but I was trying to do my best, and was willing to do anything to get better. When we were in a relationship together, I barely phoned her because of my social anxiety issues (which I tried to fill her in on), but would talk to her every night on msn...we would get together, maybe like once a week, just for movies and that sort of thing. I remained a bit distant because I have issues with intimacy but was trying to work through them...but prior to dumping me, she never made me aware of her unhappiness...not once.

 

Anyway, the night it ended, I thought we were just getting together to celebrate a promotion I got at work. Even the day of, she had sent me a text wishing me good luck...But right after desert on our date that night, she did the deed and dumped me. Tears immediately came to my eyes and I asked/begged her for her friendship and told her that I thought she was the "one". So for a while after that, we exchanged friendly emails and she even initiated some IMs. It was cool...nothing heavy, then that stopped.

 

Eventually I just became her online facebook "scrabble" buddy (something she inititated). We chatted back and forth, but eventually she wouldn't say much but still initiate games (wtf?), which drove me up the wall...

 

Now I am at the point where I haven't talked to her in a couple of months, tried calling her once recently and left her a voice message.

 

Two weeks later, I wrote her a heartfelt email about where I'm at life because I was having a really hard time, and how I could need a friend to give me some advice. In the email, I said I understood we could never be together again.

 

No response.

 

I'm heartbroken and don't understand why she won't even respond to me.

I am not a mean person, I didn't cheat on her, I didn't lie. I just wasn't ready and needed her patience. I'm very soft spoken and I've never intentionally hurt anyone. Now I feel like I am being tortured, my heart is broken, and I feel like I've been rejected not only as a love interest but as a friend.

 

So what do you think she is trying to tell me with the silent treatment?

 

Goodbye and good riddance?

 

Another thing, she posted a pic of herself on fb, which appeared in my newsfeed, where she is wearing a necklace that I bought for her in Dubai. Maybe she's not that sentimental, but isn't that a bit cruel when you're giving them the silent treatment? or am I being a big wuss about all of this.

 

p.s. I haven't been sitting around waiting for her. I've dated other women since....I just don't get *this* girl, and it's driving me up the wall. I thought we were cool! now what happened!

 

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm hurting like crazy.

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It probably means she is dating someone else.

 

You need to figure out why she is such a big part of your life. I understand you are hurting but you should be eating and sleeping.

 

Have you talked to a Counselor?

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lonelysoulja

you're probably right.

 

i am a very shy person. i don't have the greatest self-esteem.

 

i've been trying to come out of my shell and make friends, but it's always been a hard process for me...

 

my friendships tend not to be superficial, and i don't take rejection very well.

 

i just feel tremendous amount of guilt over this particular situation, and can't figure out how this makes sense karmaically.

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I would guess that she has met someone else and feels the need to cut you off.

 

I would say that she was not getting what she needed and decided to move on.

 

You sound like a really nice guy and I am so feeling for you right now but the best thing you could do is to ignore her now and let her move on. You need to build on your self love and self esteem honey, you need to learn from this, it is one of many heartaches you will suffer in your life cos that what life is about! Making mistakes and learning from them!

 

I wish you much luck and hope you carry on posting!

 

ps ....... welcome to Loveshack!!!!!!!!!!!

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I don't mean this to be negative, but you sound a lot like my boyfriend now. He almost never calls but regularly communicates via text and email and seems to have issues with intimacy. I love him to pieces, but I feel I need to have to move on because my needs are not being met in the relationship and my heart is breaking. I have tried repeatedly to tell him I need "more", and he promises to try harder, but it is like he is not capable. I haven't met someone else and don't want to be with anyone else, but know this issue will not work itself out and I am always left to wonder why he doesn't call or stay over when we are together.

 

Your note sounds like exactly what my boyfriend would say when we split, and because I know having contact with him would be too painful for me, I will try to have no contact as well so I can try to move on. Just thought I would share another possibility of why she moved on. Many girls need more attention then it sounds like you are willing to give.

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So what do you think she is trying to tell me with the silent treatment?

 

How I'd interpret this silence: she doesn't want to lead you on.

 

That's just me.

 

Please eat and sleep. You need to take care of yourself now and those are the basics that you need to pay attention to.

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lonelysoulja

Well, I said goodbye to her in an email.

 

I told her that I had been immature, and I apologized for the email that I had sent her weeks earlier where I confided in her about my insecurities, and that she did not respond to.

 

I promised not to contact her again and that I didn't resent her. That I understood, that she had to do what's in her best interest. That I always appreciated her kindness, even though I couldn't come close to reciprocating because of my own self-doubt & insecurities

 

Then I promptly deleted her off of my friends e-lists (facebook, msn, etc.)

 

I guess I feel better now.

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nopainnogain

 

Then I promptly deleted her off of my friends e-lists (facebook, msn, etc.)

 

.

 

 

Good Job brotha man

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4dviceJunki3

Okay honestly, don't give this girl your time of day.

 

She is OBVIOUSLY not understanding at all and isn't patient. She isn't willing to give anyone a chance. People having intimacy issues and social issues isn't really something you break off for in a relationship. She either has too much of high standards for herself or she just doesn't want to wait. Now she is keeping NC because she wants to either help you get over her because she has moved on.

 

You should use this as a stepping stone to fill the areas which are gray for you. Understand that women love a man who is confident, who is social, and who can be there for them at any given time. They want to know that they can depend on their man in the time of need. Since you didn't really provide that to her, she felt insecure in the relationship.

 

You need to just be confident about yourself. As long as you trust yourself and know that you can be loyal, honest, and a loving/caring person, you'll develop social skills and understand what women really want. Every woman is different but they all have their fundamental similarities. Next time you get into a relationship, before you catch feelings, let the person know that you want to take things slow. HOWEVER, talking on the phone almost every other night before going to bed is really a healthy part of a relationship. For one, that person is the last thing on your mind before sleeping and letting your mind rest, and two, when you wake up, you tend to think of that person so you get used to having them in your thoughts. This works both ways and it helps to build interest in one another. Now, going at it that way, and having an understanding that you want to take it slow, you will both start to get used to one another and feel comfortable and be able to move at the same pace and not have one person run faster than the other.

 

PS: You're not a wuss. I've been in a situation similar to this and felt the same way but I held my own and kept moving forward and now, I feel a lot better about it. Take this as an experience and let it help you, not break you.

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lonelysoulja

4dviceJunki3

 

You're totally right. I know that's my biggest problem. Not trusting myself or my instincts. I wasn't entirely attracted to her the first time I met her but she grew on me because she treated me like a prize...

 

If I would have trusted my instincts and my ability attract women, I wouldn't have settled and gone after a more suitable partner.

 

Definitely a learning lesson. I'm worth a lot more and I need to act like I know that.

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4dviceJunki3

 

You're totally right. I know that's my biggest problem. Not trusting myself or my instincts. I wasn't entirely attracted to her the first time I met her but she grew on me because she treated me like a prize...

 

If I would have trusted my instincts and my ability attract women, I wouldn't have settled and gone after a more suitable partner.

 

Definitely a learning lesson. I'm worth a lot more and I need to act like I know that.

Famous last words. Trust me, Soulja, every guy here has uttered those very words at some time in his life...and usually more than once. We're great at learning hard lessons after things go South, and we're even better at forgetting them the minute the next cute thing bats her eyelashes at us. It's just the way things go.

 

Her cone of silence could be to help her as well. She might have started to have doubts about breaking up with you, and in order to reassure herself that she made the right decision, she cut all contact - out of sight, out of mind. It's hard to cope with when it happens, but in the end it really is easier on both parties.

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4dviceJunki3

Agreed.

 

Don't think just cause you're a guy that you cannot feel this way or else you would be considered a wuss. Guys have feelings too, some more than women.

 

You just have to understand that when the weather is very cloudy, the sun still shines on the other side and eventually the clouds will disappear to a brighter day. Given that you understand that, there will be no one person in this world that could make you lose your focus. Be confident and know that you will find someone else if things don't work out between you and her. I simply just sit back and let the universe unfold everything for me. What is planned to happen will happen, don't try to change the path you're following; keep your head up and keep moving forward, never backwards!

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