Leaving after all this time?

[Poppy68]

Hi guys, I'm a new member here. Just looking for some help on a long term relationship (over 20 years), with an emotionally distant man. We have two kids and a long history. He isn't emotional or demonstrative with the kids either. I thought I accepted this, but recently I have become aware that really, I am very unhappy, and have been for a long time. Its been brought to light more so due to a brief affair with a very affectionate man. I obviously didn't realise just how much I needed to be held, and told that I'm loved.

 

So....I'm kind of stuck on what I should do. My heart says go, but my head says stay. (The kids are older, btw, and more or less independant. I'm not saying that us splitting up would have no effect on them, but there would be no custody issues)

[Tripper]

My heart says go, but my head says stay

 

P, you are the proverbial fork in the road of life.

You will get many different responses, but only you can make that decision.

 

For what it's worth, I went through an almost identical situation many years ago, followed my head and regretted it, then later followed my heart and regretted it. It was a complex situation but in the end we all lost. In the final analysis, years later I am in a much better situation, but that's another story.

 

What I learned from it all is that ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. The right partner can only enhance that.

 

Whatever decision you make you will always question if you did the right thing.

 

In your choice you are looking at 2 different scenarios... Stay and have the comfort and security of a long term R in which you know what you have although you are missing the emotional connection and intimacy that we all need. Or leave and strike out on your own.. into the "unknown". You will then be where you will have half the financial and material resources and possibly some sort of piece of mind as you spend the next few years transitioning into a new life.

 

While material things are important in the sense you need the resources to have a place to sleep and food to eat, most material things are transitory. You come into the world with nothing and that's how you are going to leave. So, you need to consider how important the common possessions are to you since you will be dividing them up.

 

I think there is also a "back issue" here. Your affair. Does your partner know about this?? If you told him what would be the outcome??

 

You will get opinions here from "don't tell" to "he has a right to know", but it is your decision. It is, however, indicative of deeper problems in the R. The affair becomes symptomatic.. you need to address the problems, which I assume are lack of intimacy and emotional closeness.

 

In trying to come to terms with all this the only thing I can add is that you only go through life once... and this isn't a dress rehearsal so you better make the most of it.

[Poppy68]

Thank you Tripper. No. he doesn't know about the affair, and I have no intention of telling him because the crux of the matter is how HE is, and whether I can continue living like that or not. The affair just highlighted an already existing problem. That is the only time I have been unfaithful in over 20 years - not that I deserve a cheer, or anything because I don't believe in infidelity - but I understand why it happens now. I know the decision is entirely mine, and I'm not sure whether I'm strong enough to bear the consequences as yet - but I have tried talking to him and he just shrugs and says its just the way he is, like it or lump it, and why bring it up now after all this time.

 

Thank you for commenting, and sharing your experiences.

[Ronni_W]

, and I'm not sure whether I'm strong enough to bear the consequences as yet

Poppy,

Have you considered individual therapy as a means to gain strength and confidence to do what your Heart needs you to do?

 

In my own case, my decision to divorce was the most difficult of anything I'll likely have to face on this planet. I very much cared about my then-husband and had a really terrific lifestyle, too.

 

And the 18 to 24 subsequent months were no less difficult. Sometimes I just had to remind myself to breathe, and tell myself that all would be well. In the deep recesses of my heart, I KNEW it was the wisest decision FOR ME...and that has proven to be accurate. I've not had any reason to question the choice that I made.

 

Then there were another 5 to 8 years, where I would feel sad about it...not crying sad but kind of 'WTF' sad, and I was okay with fact that those feelings would just become a part of me. But even they are faded now.

 

So...find strength and tools to follow your own Heart, would be my advice. In the long-term (aka "for the rest of your life"), you will always know that you had self-love and courage enough to do that.

 

Wishing you the very best of luck.

[Poppy68]

Ronnie - thank you so much for this. Both your answer, and Trippers so far, are giving me strength and courage. I'm sorry you had to go through so much sadness and pain, but I'm glad to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. I'm really not bothered about the material things in life -I don't have much, but to me, I would rather be poor and happy, as opposed to being rich and unhappy. I want to be rich in love, not money.

 

And in answer to your question, I did try and speak to the Samaritans, but they focused on my lack of religious faith as opposed to my lack of happiness. They assumed all would be well if I had the Lord to love. :S I'm not saying I wouldn't go for therapy or counselling, but...I would like to be listened to, not preached at. (Again, probably that was just a one off, based on that individuals values in life, but it simply wasn't relevant to my situation) I might look into it some more.

Thanks again, Ronnie.

[Ronni_W]

Thanks for your kind thoughts, Poppy. Yes, there is definitely a LOT of light...and it's so important to remind ourselves of that fact at those times when the freakin' tunnel just feels to be stretching on into forever .

 

Sorry about your own experience with the Samaritan counselor. That approach really doesn't work too well when one is down here, struggling in our 3rd dimensional muck and misgivings, does it?

Even so, non-religious based therapists do also have their own styles and philosophies. I can only recommend that you not lose hope because of any particular individual's approach...just keep searching until you find someone who ideally matches what and how you need from counseling.

 

PS: My desire is to be rich in Love AND Money...I'm not buying into my ancestors' belief that we can't have it all -- who decided THAT for me???