Changing overnight

[GuttedEnglishBloke]

One of the main things I'm struggling with is the fact that my ex seemed to change overnight. Before we split, I got an email from her telling me how much she loved and missed me. 6 hours later, she meets the guy the broke up with me for. She didn't know him before that day (I know that sounds hard to believe, but I've had it confirmed separately). We stayed together for a week afterwards, until it came out. Apparently they spent that week texting, emailing and chatting.

 

She moved in with him a week later. This was all 7 weeks ago. During that time I've contacted her twice. Haven't contacted her for 4 weeks.

 

What is really upsetting is the fact that everything seemed to change over 24 hours. We had 5 years together and I've not heard a single word from her. No texts to see if I'm ok, nothing. I couldn't have done that to her if I'd been in her position. How do some women do that? And why is she doing it?

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

It's not just women! My ex did the same thing. He said he was 100% committed to me the day before he left. The truth of it is, it's nothing to do with the people they left us for. They were already looking for someone else (a way out), and when the opportunity came up, they grabbed it.

 

Mine left a 3 year relationship based on knowing a girl for a week too. Prior to that I had no idea he was so unhappy. He never said, kept making plans for the future and then one day poof, he vanished.

 

I think the reason that she hasn't been in touch is because she doesn't have the answers you need. To up and leave a ltr and move in with someone after a week is not normal behavior. I suspect she probably doesn't quite know what she's doing right now either, so can't explain it to you. Plus I think you mentioned in another post her family has disapproved of the way she has handled this? There is probably an element of feeling ashamed and not being able to face you and your feelings just yet. With the way things ended, she is probably imagining that you have a lot of questions, anger and sadness that she can't help you with because I doubt she understands herself. Her not contacting you is a reflection on her, not you or the relationship you had. In time I think you will hear from her again, but I couldn't even guess when that might be.

[GuttedEnglishBloke]

Thanks Phoenix, you make a lot of valid points. Most of my friends and family agree that what she has done is bizarre. Like you, I had no idea that my ex was that unhappy. I wish we could have sat down like adults and discussed it, if things were that bad. However, I get the impression that she's running away from something, whether it's me, her family or her old life. I don't expect her new relationship to last, but that's not me hanging on to hope, I'm finished with her - I just don't think she's solved anything and the old problems will soon rear their head once the initial euphoria of a new relationship has worn off.

 

I think I'm just having a bad day that's all. Luckily, I'm having more good days than bad now so I'll keep going.

[PhoenixFromTheFlames]

The bad days are tough. For me there are less of them, but they are way more intense. I'm having a bad day too. Everything is reminding me of him today :-(

[GuttedEnglishBloke]

Keep your chin up, we'll get there one day. After all, we've done the hardest part

[ianandris]

My ex did something similar. She knew she didn't love me for a while, but didn't want to tell me straight away, was afraid to, so she waited until she had the courage. She knew that if she let even a hint of it out, I would have convinced her to tell me what was on her mind, so she maintained the illusion of closeness (one which my intuition saw right through, though I rationalized the hints away as insecurities). When she was ready, she told me (wasn't easy for either of us). However, circumstances are different for other people. It's easier for them to find an excuse to leave than to face the unbearable prospect of owning up to their feelings. 5 years is a long time. There's a lot of history there. To look someone in the eyes after 5 years and tell that person you don't love them the way you used to is a terribly difficult to do. I'm sure she knew that she could have reasoned things out with you, and it's likely that things would have been better for a while, but that faint specter of dissatisfaction that lingers when you know your feelings have changed can't be reasoned away. I'm sorry, bro. So, so, sorry.

[sunshinegirl]

My ex also seemed to change overnight. Namely, the day we broke up he was a crying mess - and this is a guy who NEVER shows emotion - saying things like "I'm confused, I don't know why I'm hurting the people who are most important to me", "I could be making the biggest mistake of my life", "I don't know myself or what I want"... etc to having sex with someone else the next day.

 

I am still struggling to understand how he could so completely shut down/switch gears in the span of one day. We were together for over a year and he was initiating conversations about moving in together, integrating me into his life - parents, daughter, friends, even his ex-brother-in-law, etc.

[replicator]

Common theme here.

 

I had a ten year relationship. We went through college, and began our careers together. So close. Overnight it seems like she changed and it is still a shock that she suddenly says she is not in love with me.

 

I know she loves me, but she won't let herself continue our relationship. I think when this happens, there is some external influence.. Whether it be friends/family or another person (hope not!).

 

Regardless, just got to face it head on. People are unpredictable, and very selfish.

[critter909]

Replicator- I feel the same way. My bf left me 2 weeks ago and even though we had been struggling with some problems (he has an alcohol problem) we were moving forward. He had been keeping closer and closer with his friends the weeks before he left and I know his party pals were encouraging him to leave me so he can just "have fun." I know he loves me, he even told me so a few days back, but has to "figure himself out." That crap is coming from his single friends who want to party all night long and are making it seem that being that way is the good life- not having a family at home, that's too much work.

[shanny]

There is no explanation for some things that people do. I was shocked at the end of your post to see that it was a five year relationship. By the way she acted I assumed it was a few months.

 

Something was probably not right for awhile, and like Phoenix said, she snatched up her first opportunity to bail. You didn't mention if you guys were having any sort of problems at all before this happened. If there were bad problems, you probably would have mentioned them though.

 

She may have just gotten wrapped up with the feelings of a new relationship... many people crave that after being in a relationship for a long time. Some people can control it and be faithful and others can't. If it makes you feel any better I am sure it won't work with her and her new man. Moving in that quickly? Ridiculous. She is not thinking with her head.

 

I don't have that much advice to offer you... but I sympathize deeply. The only advice I can give you is to take one day at a time... they will get easier. And don't let this make you never want to love again. There are always opportunities to get hurt in love but it doesn't make it not worth it.

 

Good luck.