She makes me feel so guilty about ending it...

[dogtown]

Ok here is my situation...

 

I broke up with my girlfriend about 3 months ago. We had been dating, very intensely, for about 10 months. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, however, while she loved me I did not love her to the same degree. It was not the usual reason for breaking up either - she was an amazing girlfriend. I don't know why but I just didn't love her back. I've asked myself a million times why I don't love someone who was so great to me and I cannot come up with a rational answer. She did absolutely nothing wrong and everything right. So when I told her I wasn't interested in a relationship anymore - especially anything this intense - she was absolutely devasted. Since then it has been unbearable. She continually emails me about how I ruined her life, messed up he grad school studies, lead her on, etc...My responses are minimal at best.

 

I feel so horrible. I really feel like I ruined her life. It's been a drain on me to think that I have messed up another persons life so much.

 

Can anyone relate?

 

If I'm leaving out any major details, let me know and I'll fill you in.

[Prosecco]

Ok - cheesy non-helpful bits first:

A cartoon: http://xkcd.com/383/

 

And the lyrics of a Faithless song: "If you place a thing in the center of your life

That lacks the power to nourish

It will eventually poison everything that you are

And destroy you.

As simple a thing as an idea

Or your perspective on yourself, of the world.

No one can be the source of your content,

It lies within, in the center."

 

Now - the point I'm trying to make. All relationships but your last one, and sometimes even that, end. Sometimes they end in a way that doesn't hurt the people in them, mostly one, or both, gets pretty damn hurt.

Sometimes someone is at fault - whether for lying, cheating, being afraid, not admitting they aren't wanting the same things as the other... whatever.

 

But often - there is no fault. You should not sacrifice your own happiness for another's. If you stay in a relationship which doesn't make you happy, which isn't right - then eventually you'll both be miserable. Cutting your losses, while it hurts the other person - is often the only right decision.

 

Doesn't it suck when even the right decision destroys someone?

 

So - you broke up with someone because you didn't love them. You stopped leading them on. You gave yourself a chance to find someone you love. You gave them a chance to find someone who loves them.

 

Yes - she's upset, gutted and its affected her life. But it's not your fault any more than it's not your fault that you didn't love her. (God - I could be comforting my ex here!) Try not to feel guilty - yes, you hurt her. But you couldn't have done anything else.

 

 

So - what to do? Do you have any mutual friends? Do you have anyone you can encourage to step in and help her, whether it's by seeing someone, or getting out and doing activities, or whether it's by just making sure she's distracted when she's sad, and focused on her work when she's able to be? YOU shouldn't be doing this - it sounds like she's still focused on you, which means she can't move on with her life or her studies!

Otherwise - I'd send her a nice letter - apologising, stating that you are sorry you hurt her, but to continue as you were would have led to you hurting her more, and leading her on. Perhaps say - that she's an amazing person, and in no way should she feel the break up's a reflection on her. Then say - that as cruel as it might seem, you are going to get out of her life - as focusing on you will not help her studies or her recovery. Tell her that you wont be responding to any more letters/emails or calls.

 

And then do exactly that. If she continues to message you - you can even delete or destroy things without reading them.

 

 

Good luck. I'm more on her side of the coin - but... my pain turns inwards, so I can see that the other person has done the right thing. It doesn't make it much easier for me - but preserves my dignity, and makes it easier for him.

[macon]

"I feel so horrible. I really feel like I ruined her life. It's been a drain on me to think that I have messed up another persons life so much. "

 

She clearly invested an enormous amount in you and she's entitled to be very upset. But what she's NOT entitled to do is lay all the reasons for her unhappiness at your door. To say you ruined her life and continually bombard you with this is both unfair and indicative of an unstable person. Yes a breakup can be incredibly painful, yes it's horrible while you're in it, yes it takes different people different lengths of time to get over it - but it's a normal part of life - people fall in and out of love, and infidelity and dishonesty aside, we all have to cope at some point with this natural occurrence. But if you're that unhappy and unable to deal with it then you really do have to look within for the reasons for it. And it is completely unfair to blame someone else totally for that unhappiness.

 

Stop agonising over this - suggest she seeks counselling when she next emails and leave it there. You are NOT responsible for ruining her life - the only one who is ruining it in this instance is herself.

[LuCidiTy]

"So when I told her I wasn't interested in a relationship anymore - especially anything this intense - she was absolutely devasted."

 

And how, exactly, did you do this? Did you flatout tell her you didn't love her and probably never would and it was over for good?

 

"...love her to the same degree...." "I don't know why but I just didn't love her back."

 

How clear were you? Sometimes what is clear to us appears differently to the receiver of the message is one of my points.

[carhill]

Sounds to me like they're young, things moved too quickly and he bailed because he wasn't on the same page as her.

 

My opinion is to leave it alone, learn your lesson and take things more slowly next time. I've made a profession of worrying about whether I'd hurt someone and the only person it's hurt is me. Don't be me

[sedona]

Ok here is my situation...

 

I broke up with my girlfriend about 3 months ago. We had been dating, very intensely, for about 10 months. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, however, while she loved me I did not love her to the same degree. It was not the usual reason for breaking up either - she was an amazing girlfriend. I don't know why but I just didn't love her back. I've asked myself a million times why I don't love someone who was so great to me and I cannot come up with a rational answer.

You're not my ex by any chance, are you???

 

No, guess not. I haven't been emailing him...

 

She needs to flush you out of her system. The only way to do (I think) that is NC.

[dogtown]

Lucidity - You make a good point. I probably was not very clear. It kind of came out of left field. Nothing really instigated it. No big fight and then break up. It had just been something boiling in me for a while and I just came out with it one day. I put myself in her shoes an it is horrible to imagine that happening to me let alone her. I didn't just say "I don't love you anymore". I have more tact than that, but in a polite way I tried to tell her that I was done with the relationship.

 

I try to sympathize with her and say I'm sorry. Gosh what a burden this seems sometimes!

 

Thanks for your replies!

[Prosecco]

You're not my ex by any chance, are you???

 

No, guess not. I haven't been emailing him...

 

She needs to flush you out of her system. The only way to do (I think) that is NC.

 

 

I was wondering if he was my ex too...

 

Heh... dog - how MANY of us have you been dating?

[dogtown]

Well as I talk to more people, I don't think that my situation is terribly unique!

[stlnsmile]

I'm sorry, there is always a reason you do not love someone, why they are not compatable with you....maybe you realize you should have over looked those reasons, that they were stupid, or maybe they really are concreat and good reasons.......but there is always a reason we do not feel compatable with someone.

 

You say you were very intense for 10 months, did you know before the end of the ten months you did not love her? How long did you know before you told her? Did the flame just go out and you think love is always supposed to be great and a bed of roses and you are young.

 

It sounds to me like the oogaly googalies went away and you were boared and thought there would be greener pastures later on. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that you were not ready for an intensly commited relationship, yet acted like you were. And of course because you acted like you were, well, she thought you were.

 

I think you need to come clean with what you really felt, because until you do, you won't process it for yourself. It would be good if you could ever tell her what the real reason for the break up was. I mean obviously she believed you loved her, or she would have left right? So you told her you did, but you didn't. You had your reasons, but you did not share them with her, and continued to act nice to her. And then out of the blue, said hey, its over......and her whole world came crashing down.

Its not that you don't have a right to love who you want.......you do.......you can not stay with someone you do not love.....but love also is a tricky thing. Its not always great and good and passionate and wonderful. There are hard times and bad times and boring times, and its those times you choose to commit to going through because this is your best friend, your confidant, the person you feel safest with, the person you care about enough to love more than yourself.

 

Obviously you did not feel that for her, but was it because you don't know how to go through the rough stuff, or was it because there was something about her that just was not for you? I don't want you to feel guilty, I just want you to know why???? And understand, that she is not doing anything wrong by loving you and having a hard time letting go because obviously her love was real. You are not responsible to make her happy now.....thats her job, she has to let go, and that will be hard for her. But I don't want you to turn into some guy who can never have love in his life because he never knows how he feels about anything. I don't want you to turn into a serial pain causer to others.

 

Learn from this, understand what you did wrong and how. Where there chances you had to communicate your feelings and did not? Where there times when you knew you did not love her and told her you did and had physical contact with her. Where there times that you knew things were bothering you about her that you did not communicate, you didn't tell her how important these things were, deal breakers if you will? Just the thoughts of a dumpee mind you, but I wish my ex would at least learn something from this whole thing.....expecially how to not do it again to another.

[stlnsmile]

I'm sorry, there is always a reason you do not love someone, why they are not compatable with you....maybe you realize you should have over looked those reasons, that they were stupid, or maybe they really are concreat and good reasons.......but there is always a reason we do not feel compatable with someone.

 

You say you were very intense for 10 months, did you know before the end of the ten months you did not love her? How long did you know before you told her? Did the flame just go out and you think love is always supposed to be great and a bed of roses and you are young.

 

It sounds to me like the oogaly googalies went away and you were boared and thought there would be greener pastures later on. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that you were not ready for an intensly commited relationship, yet acted like you were. And of course because you acted like you were, well, she thought you were.

 

I think you need to come clean with what you really felt, because until you do, you won't process it for yourself. It would be good if you could ever tell her what the real reason for the break up was. I mean obviously she believed you loved her, or she would have left right? So you told her you did, but you didn't. You had your reasons, but you did not share them with her, and continued to act nice to her. And then out of the blue, said hey, its over......and her whole world came crashing down.

Its not that you don't have a right to love who you want.......you do.......you can not stay with someone you do not love.....but love also is a tricky thing. Its not always great and good and passionate and wonderful. There are hard times and bad times and boring times, and its those times you choose to commit to going through because this is your best friend, your confidant, the person you feel safest with, the person you care about enough to love more than yourself.

 

Obviously you did not feel that for her, but was it because you don't know how to go through the rough stuff, or was it because there was something about her that just was not for you? I don't want you to feel guilty, I just want you to know why???? And understand, that she is not doing anything wrong by loving you and having a hard time letting go because obviously her love was real. You are not responsible to make her happy now.....thats her job, she has to let go, and that will be hard for her. But I don't want you to turn into some guy who can never have love in his life because he never knows how he feels about anything. I don't want you to turn into a serial pain causer to others.

 

Learn from this, understand what you did wrong and how. Where there chances you had to communicate your feelings and did not? Where there times when you knew you did not love her and told her you did and had physical contact with her. Where there times that you knew things were bothering you about her that you did not communicate, you didn't tell her how important these things were, deal breakers if you will? Just the thoughts of a dumpee mind you, but I wish my ex would at least learn something from this whole thing.....expecially how to not do it again to another.

[The Studmuffin]

this is an interesting thread.

i might be in a similar position... noticing my feelings change, fade maybe... and having a very hard time knowing if it's the right time to end it.

 

stlnsmile, you make a big deal out of the reasons why love goes away, and the importance of getting through the rough times. and these are valid points and very interesting ones. and i would like to know, asking very ignorantly and by curiosity, how do you get through the rough times?

 

i can sort of see the reasons why my feelings have changed... and it's actually things that i can fix, i can see the change in attitude that has to be made for it to work. and i want it to happen. but i still have hard time feeling the feelings i had before we entered the rough patch...

 

and dogtown, do you think there's a reason why you stopped loving her?

[The Studmuffin]

does "a rough patch" mean a period where you doubt your feelings or don't feel like you love the other person ?

[datingmum]

I'm sorry, there is always a reason you do not love someone, why they are not compatable with you....maybe you realize you should have over looked those reasons, that they were stupid, or maybe they really are concreat and good reasons.......but there is always a reason we do not feel compatable with someone.

 

You say you were very intense for 10 months, did you know before the end of the ten months you did not love her? How long did you know before you told her? Did the flame just go out and you think love is always supposed to be great and a bed of roses and you are young.

 

It sounds to me like the oogaly googalies went away and you were boared and thought there would be greener pastures later on. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that you were not ready for an intensly commited relationship, yet acted like you were. And of course because you acted like you were, well, she thought you were.

 

I think you need to come clean with what you really felt, because until you do, you won't process it for yourself. It would be good if you could ever tell her what the real reason for the break up was. I mean obviously she believed you loved her, or she would have left right? So you told her you did, but you didn't. You had your reasons, but you did not share them with her, and continued to act nice to her. And then out of the blue, said hey, its over......and her whole world came crashing down.

Its not that you don't have a right to love who you want.......you do.......you can not stay with someone you do not love.....but love also is a tricky thing. Its not always great and good and passionate and wonderful. There are hard times and bad times and boring times, and its those times you choose to commit to going through because this is your best friend, your confidant, the person you feel safest with, the person you care about enough to love more than yourself.

 

Obviously you did not feel that for her, but was it because you don't know how to go through the rough stuff, or was it because there was something about her that just was not for you? I don't want you to feel guilty, I just want you to know why???? And understand, that she is not doing anything wrong by loving you and having a hard time letting go because obviously her love was real. You are not responsible to make her happy now.....thats her job, she has to let go, and that will be hard for her. But I don't want you to turn into some guy who can never have love in his life because he never knows how he feels about anything. I don't want you to turn into a serial pain causer to others.

 

Learn from this, understand what you did wrong and how. Where there chances you had to communicate your feelings and did not? Where there times when you knew you did not love her and told her you did and had physical contact with her. Where there times that you knew things were bothering you about her that you did not communicate, you didn't tell her how important these things were, deal breakers if you will? Just the thoughts of a dumpee mind you, but I wish my ex would at least learn something from this whole thing.....expecially how to not do it again to another.

 

Bravo for your deep wisdom and the heart you had in posting this.. This is actually wisdom, folks! woo hoo!

[LuCidiTy]

I didn't just say "I don't love you anymore". I have more tact than that, but in a polite way I tried to tell her that I was done with the relationship.

 

I try to sympathize with her and say I'm sorry. Gosh what a burden this seems sometimes!

 

 

This is kinda my question...what was the polite way?

 

And it's nice you said I'm sorry, but how did you put that too?

[LuCidiTy]

I was wondering if he was my ex too...

 

Heh... dog - how MANY of us have you been dating?

 

make that times 3

[stlnsmile]

Things aren't always great in relationships, don't sweat it, thats the first thing I would say, I mean okay so what, your having a rough patch, it will end more than likely. Second communicate......no so difficult, be honest.....if your not feelin it say so, cause I guarantee if my ex had told me that I would have made sure he was feelin it, if you get my drift:laugh:

Have hope, if you loose hope that things will work out, then they probably won't, because you will stop trying. Its really about being 100% honest with someone. I mean if you are not with her, then what do you have??? What have you gained, what have you learned? Nothing, and believe me, alone, is highly overrated. I mean what is the point of hiding anything about yourself from the person you love and care about? Can you be more specific about what you feel is hard????? What is happening????

[stlnsmile]

Let me say, love, and I mean real love, sometimes does go away. But I think more often than not, its frustration with someone.....something they are doing, over a long period, is driving you nuts, or something about them you really don't like, whatever. I mean you can not make yourself attracted to someone you hold no attraction to......I mean its just not possible. But attraction can ebb and flow, it can go away and come back, did you feel once attracted to her? What was it that made you not love her??????? If you can tell me that, then I can tell you if you really feel out of love, or fell out of lust. You say she was perfect, well obviously not for you???? Why? I really think......and I really do, the passion has died a bit, and things are boring and you think that means you don't love her. Or you feel nothing at all......nothing.....but it does not sound like thats the case......cause for someone who feels nothing for her.......you sure have a lot guilt.

[Chinook]

Right now, she's hurting and she's confused as to why you felt the way you did and now it's suddenly changed. It may not be sudden to you - because you'll have been mulling things over and thinking about things before you decided to end things. She's still getting to grips with the shock, let alone processing the aftermath.

 

As another poster said, she doesn't have the right to lay all the blame at just your door. You could try having a talk with her and asking her what you're supposed to do...? Be miserable... and in the process make her life miserable and take up valuable time she can use to be healing and moving on, and ultimately find someone who CAN love her...?! You COULD have that conversation. But... I'd caution you that ANY contact is likely to ignite hope that you DO care about her and you'll come to your senses.

 

If it was me, I'd write her a mail and explain that you understand how she's hurt and you're sorry but thereafter you will not be contacting her or responding to any texts, emails, messages, networking sites, drive-bys, smoke signals, morse code etc etc. Then delete her from your phone, friends lists, block her emails and communications as much as you can. Add her name to the 'blocked' users lists on your networking sites etc etc. Soon enough when she realises it's a brick wall, she'll get the message. It's hard and it feels mean... but in actuality, it is the kindest thing to do. Maintaining contact only prolongs hope and prevents the dumpee from getting over it. She needs to process this on her own.

[stlnsmile]

By rough patch I mean, things are happening, life is happening, schedules are happening, your not having fun, and your not feeling the tinglies anymore. Your board, and angry, and upset, and tired, and frustrated....My mom said something today that was funny but true, she said "ya know, Frank Sanatra had a song that said, "The lovin was easy, it was the livin that was hard", and ya know, sometimes thats just true.

 

Sometimes we don't feel perfect, and sometimes things about someone can really get on our nerves, and feel really uncomfortable and really unhappy, but those times usually pass. I guess it just depends. I mean in truth, if you went on a long weekend with her, to some beach, and spent time having fun, and laughing, would you love her then? Would you remember why you loved her? Or, would she still be a person you just do not want to be with?

 

Sometimes there is no attraction to someone, like they actually make you sick to be with......that I would get away from. But if you care for this person deeply.....then I'de try to fix it, try to figure out what you need, and then tell her, and very very seriously, "Ya know so and so, this is a deal breaker for me, I just can't have bla bla bla in the relationship, and we have to fix this, because if not, I'm going to have to get out of the relationship, and I don't mean fix it a little bit, I mean really fix it quick, but I want to be with you, so I want to try." You don't loose yourself in that process, you gain yourself in that process. And if it does not work then.....then you know you've done all you could to make it right, and thats all you can do.

[dogtown]

This is kinda my question...what was the polite way?

 

And it's nice you said I'm sorry, but how did you put that too?

 

Polite way = not make her feel bad for anything she did in the relationship. Reinforce that she is a great person and she deserves someone who will appreciate her more than me.

 

"I'm sorry" - I'm sorry for making you feel this bad. It sucks to know that I hurt someone that much. Not "I'm sorry for the break up" - that's something that you cannot apoligize for.

[dogtown]

By rough patch I mean, things are happening, life is happening, schedules are happening, your not having fun, and your not feeling the tinglies anymore. Your board, and angry, and upset, and tired, and frustrated....My mom said something today that was funny but true, she said "ya know, Frank Sanatra had a song that said, "The lovin was easy, it was the livin that was hard", and ya know, sometimes thats just true.

 

Sometimes we don't feel perfect, and sometimes things about someone can really get on our nerves, and feel really uncomfortable and really unhappy, but those times usually pass. I guess it just depends. I mean in truth, if you went on a long weekend with her, to some beach, and spent time having fun, and laughing, would you love her then? Would you remember why you loved her? Or, would she still be a person you just do not want to be with?

 

Sometimes there is no attraction to someone, like they actually make you sick to be with......that I would get away from. But if you care for this person deeply.....then I'de try to fix it, try to figure out what you need, and then tell her, and very very seriously, "Ya know so and so, this is a deal breaker for me, I just can't have bla bla bla in the relationship, and we have to fix this, because if not, I'm going to have to get out of the relationship, and I don't mean fix it a little bit, I mean really fix it quick, but I want to be with you, so I want to try." You don't loose yourself in that process, you gain yourself in that process. And if it does not work then.....then you know you've done all you could to make it right, and thats all you can do.

 

 

Stlnsmile,

 

I appreciate your posts, but I'm sensing that you are someone who is going through the other side of what I'm dealing with (you're partner left you and you don't know why).

 

I wish I had something good to say to you, but I'm not getting back with my girlfriend. I'm not in love with her - plain and simple. Thought I was, but I'm not. Once I figured it out I ended the relationship (at the 10 month marker). She is a great person and I have the utmost respect for her, and leaving her has been difficult, but I know it is something I want to do. Yeah, I've always had a difficult time causing anyone grief. I never fight with anyone and I don't know anyone that actively dislikes me. So when I hurt my gf in the break up and I find out that she is still hurting - well, it's tough, but it doesn't make me wonder if maybe I was in love with her and I threw it all away. I know relationships have their rough spots. For me this relationship was over. (Gosh, I hope I'm not sounding too harsh!) By coming on this forum I was looking for people who could relate to my experience and get some advice on how to deal with it.

 

Thanks to all the posters.

[dogtown]

and dogtown, do you think there's a reason why you stopped loving her?

 

As I look back on it I don't think that I ever loved her. I cared profoundly about her (and still do), but I didn't love her. The thing is that I've never been in love before so I don't know how that feels. But I was told that if you have to question whether or not you're in love with someone, well then, you're not in love with them. I questioned my love for her all the time. One day: am I in love? YES! Daytwo: am I in love with her? Not really. These inconsistent thoughts caused me to end it.

 

Could my feelings have developed into love? Possibly (probably not), but there is some stuff I felt I had to do before I settle with someone. 1) Live in South America (she would never let me do it) 2) Finding a profession that I truly love and make a living doing it (hard to do when you have a partner that wants to get married, so you just take a job you aren't passionate about, but provides stability for the both of you - I saw myself falling into this trap). Doing either of these with a significant other would inhibit the choices I made, because I would be making the decisions with OUR interests in mind, not MINE. Yes, this sounds selfish, but these are two things in my life that I am going to be selfish about.

 

 

btw...I'm 25

 

 

PS. I just got a job in South America about a week ago! (but I can't make a career out of it).