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itsforthebest

Hey.. so I decided I need somewhere to air my thoughts.. and possibly get a better perspective on my situation. I've been seeing a guy on and off for 8 months now, it was purely sexual at the start, with me and him seeing each other regularly, but only even going on an actual 'date' once or twice until recently. Anyhow, despite it just being a casual fling..things have developed and I felt we had something real, it felt so right.

 

However, this guy is a player!

 

Anyhow the problem is that he started pursuing me and wanting commitment from me a few weeks ago, he didn't want just casual sex he said he wanted more. Anyhow he's said and done things in the past few weeks that appeared so genuine, attending my bday and just hanging out, talkin, without the sex involved.

 

But last night everything blew up, I blurted out that I didn't think I liked him and it wouldn't work because he's just moved in with some mates, like a bachelor pad and it didn't seem he's in a state to commit. He's hurt me in the past and is the biggest charmer and flirt I have ever met, so clearly i'm reluctant to commit! Also I've been hurt before so I'm probably confusin this guy, I'm constantly putting up barriers and trying not to get hurt and therefore not showing as much feelings as he shows for me.

But yeh after he heard I was unsure about our future, he started swearing, telling me to get out of his house etc standing over me telling me to pick up my things and leave.

 

Within minutes he's chasing me down the street, crying his eyes out apologising. It seemed so true, I may have hurt him rejecting him in a way, but I can't trust those tears, he probably faked them like everything else he has!

 

I think I may have hurt him though when I said I couldn't imagine being with him, but that does not validate his actions, he treated me so badly it really really hurt, ............the person that apparently loves you shouldn't hurt you like that.

 

I msged him today saying it's over, making it clear I want a clear break. He probably thinks he can just give me a call next weekend and it will be sweet. I don't want this.. I know I deserve better but I can't help having feelings for him.. I thought it was real what we had.

 

What should I do...? Move on.. be rational and push my feelings aside despite my love for him. Or.. recognise he's a player thats probably been lying alllllllllllllll along. Who knows he's probably already moving onto the next gurl.

 

frustrated. x

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Just from your post you seem like a pretty balanced girl. You write well and coherently.

 

Now from what you have described about this guy he seems very unbalanced. Cool one minute at your birthday and screaming, chasing you down the street the next.

 

The key to a successful relationship is finding balance. You don't want a character who has a reputation as a player or runs and screams down the street. And from what I sense from your post - you don't really love this guy. This post lacks the passion that one usually picks up on this forum in regards to true love. Don't try to make a relationship work that you have so many doubts about. Going into a relationship with doubts (he's a player, do I like him?, etc...) is NEVER a good way to start.

 

You know what your heart is telling you do....do it!

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One of my friends, that I care about a lot, has... a bit of the player reputation. He 'stopped counting' after having slept with 130 women.

 

Now - he acknowledges he has issues - he can't commit to a relationship. Once he's in an exclusive relationship, he stops fancying the person he's with, etc. He's in therapy for it...

 

Now - this isn't saying your 'player' is the same, as for a start, my friend gets women by being extremely upfront and hoenst about his issues and his past, rather than by lying and seducing.

 

BUT - my friend is finding it VERY hard to get beyond being a player. During the time I've met him, he's met two girls he's been VERY keen on, and he's tried to change for. He failed with the first girl, broke her heart, got hurt himself - but just couldn't do what it took to change years of sleeping around.

The current girl - he's managed not to cheat for 4 months. But - he now seems to be finding stupid reasons to have doubts about the relationship - as I think he's starting to get scared. He's dealing with them atm... but in the future?

 

So - players CAN change, and can want to change. BUT - they can't always do it.

This guy may be being honest and genuine with you - but if you have doubts - is it work the risk? I'd be sorry for him... but - back on my parallel - much as I love my mate, I wouldn't want anyone I cared about to get involved with him, as I don't think, right now, he has the strength to change.

 

 

Note:

1) If you decide to risk this, go in with your eyes open.

2) If you decide not to - don't lash out and hurt him - don't say you think he'd lying or playing you - he may be genuine. Just say - you're sorry, but you are not able to have that kind of relationship with him, and if it means you have to stop the casual sex, that will have to stop. You'll miss it, but you aren't confident enough he'll be able to change habits of a lifetime, and don't want to risk getting hurt if he tries and fails.

You can be nice and make it as much about 'your insecurity' as his. There is no need to kick someone when you reject them.

Edited by Prosecco
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