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Important Decision to make...ideas?


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Hi gang,

 

I feel like this breakup is taking forever, and at 6 weeks I guess it is. She finally moved MOST of her stuff out yesterday. Unfortunately she left some items and needs to come back--likely twice.

 

So here's the dilemma. She has basically refused to talk to me about this breakup. I've asked her repeatedly to sit down and just talk about things and she just hasn't been willing to. We got into some things briefly during the move yesterday and she finally said "Fine, when I come back to get the rest of my things, we'll talk".

 

Clearly it's what I've wanted for a while. I have a ton of questions. She claims to still 'love me' and care about me. She says that this is what she needs to do 'for now' and for herself. She talks about not knowing about possibly in 6 months to a year. I have many questions about this stuff as much of it makes no sense to me at all.

 

So the issue becomes do I go through with 'the talk' when I've basically come off as a pathetic wimp over the past 6 weeks? Or, do I help her pack up her things and tell her "You know, I know you don't really want to talk about anything and it's a moot point now anyway. You've made it perfectly clear you're out and so we don't need to get into it"?

 

If we talk, I'll likely come off as pathetic, insecure and whiny. If I stand up to her maybe I show that I'm being a man about this and keep/gain any bit of respectability that I may have.

 

What do you all think? I'm really torn. I know the conversation won't change anything, but I was hoping for answers and to possibly leave some thoughts for her to consider moving forward.

 

I know the clingy, whiny behavior is not attractive though.

 

What to do?

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tonyeltiger

I think that even by reading your own words you know what the best course of action is. Stand your ground. If she wants you in her life, she'll tell you. On a side note, how many damn trips does she have to make to your place to get all of her stuff?!?!?! It seems like she's always coming over. I suggest to make SURE that she has every last little thing in the truck before she leaves this time. She's not been respecting you, and you have absolutely nothing to lose by going strict NC after she leaves. You could of course lose your dignity by groveling. But of course I know how bad I want to grovel too :( Be strong! Good luck!

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You would only come off as insecure and whiny if you argue her points. If you ask questions, get answers, acknowledge/respect that's what she feels and accept the answer then move onto the next question you wouldn't appear insecure or whiny. Confirm to yourself that you seeking answers to questions isn't about trying to talk her out of it.

 

That said the better option would be to just accept the overall picture ie: she doesn't want the relationship at this time. Going over stuff that barely makes sense to her will just annoy her as you're finding out. Even if you have airtight rationale to rebut any suggestion she makes it will just annoy her more. This is emotion we're talking about and it often transcends explanation. I would certainly recommend just assisting her with the move and acknowledging a 'talk' is pretty redundant for now (in a way that doesn't come across as bitter or 'holier than thou').

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Hello! I'm new to this board and this is my first attempt at advice-giving here. Heh...

 

The way I see it, you are still missing some closure. The day after my boyfriend and I broke up, I had several little panic attacks because we hadn't had the chance to really talk things out. I felt much better after we did talk. What you need to do is approach your last conversation with your ex-girlfriend as an opportunity to seal the deal and say your last words. The girl obviously wants her space, but if you try to give her space before having "the talk", it'll be that much harder for you. Of course, there's no guarantee that the talk will be particularly comforting or help to resolve your feelings. But if you think of it as the final act, so to speak, in your relationship, then when it's over, it'll be easier for you to move forward.

 

If there are things you need to say and questions you need to ask, don't hold back. But when the talk is over, definitely refrain from contacting your ex again afterwards.

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Ughh. I totally saw this coming. She just called and said she's not coming down tonight to get her stuff. Something about working late, blah blah blah.

 

I kept pushing and finally got to the point where I told her that I deserved to be able to move on and have her get her stuff out of here. Clearly she got upset but ended with "Fine. I'll come down tonight....but it will be late. And I'm not talking. I'll get my stuff and go."

 

I guess that answers my question. :-)

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xpaperxcutx
Ughh. I totally saw this coming. She just called and said she's not coming down tonight to get her stuff. Something about working late, blah blah blah.

 

I kept pushing and finally got to the point where I told her that I deserved to be able to move on and have her get her stuff out of here. Clearly she got upset but ended with "Fine. I'll come down tonight....but it will be late. And I'm not talking. I'll get my stuff and go."

 

I guess that answers my question. :-)

 

Lol

Before she gets down there, help her pack so you can leave the stuff by the door when she does arrive. At least that'll shorten the time you'll have you'll have with her. Make it point that you don't want her using your place as a reststop anymore. :laugh:

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Well I got an email from her saying she absolutely CAN'T come tonight. That spurred a phone call from me and we got into it again. I was, and am really frustrated.

 

Finally I got to a point where I started talking about how we were leaving things and asking her if this is how she wanted to leave it...with her insanely angry with me and me thinking very poorly of her. We both agreed it's not how we want to end it. She still likely has to work past 10pm tonight but we're talking about grabbing a drink.

 

I think it's the right thing to do. Closure would be a good thing, and we've been through too much to walk away with so much hate in our hearts. Not sure if this will happen tonight or not but I'll keep you updated. I'm not going to hold my breath, but I think it would be a good thing.

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