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I can't fight this feeling anymore


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I have been reading everyone's posts since I joined here, and we all seem to have a recurrent theme, so I feel kinda silly posting this, but even though I know in my brain I can't seem to get my heart to shut up and listen. I want so badly to contact this guy. We didn't "break up" he simply disappeared. Twice. It is the worst possible feeling. And to make matters worse, I honestly believe that he has real feelings for me but is so emotionally crippled that for whatever reason, he can't go forward. And then I start thinking that if we could only discuss this, because the one night we were together we really didn't talk about it, that we could figure this out and make a go of things. I feel so silly for even thinking that, but it's like this feeling gnawing away at me. I read about guys' point of view...he has even told me that every day he lives with the void this has left in his life. But HE created this void...why would he do that??? I guess I'm doing this so I don't write to him. I am wondering if I should contact him Wednesday night before my surgery, thinking about the post from the guy whose friend's gf passed away. I am not worried about dying during surgery, but heck, s urgery is a risk, and I want this guy to know how I feel. Except he knows, cuz I have told him. :o

 

I feel powerless, but not, since even though I want to contact him so badly, I continue to hold off. I think that's what he is doing too. Being stubborn, stubborn pride...everyone is hurting. It sucks. I hate it.

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Maybe you should tell him that your going to have this surgery and you need him to be there for you?

Atleast then you would have told him and if he ignores you then you know for sure hes not worth it.

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Maybe you should tell him that your going to have this surgery and you need him to be there for you?

Atleast then you would have told him and if he ignores you then you know for sure hes not worth it.

 

Very good idea. Surgery is a big thing, so don't solely rely on him for comfort. But do make sure to mention that it's important to you that he be there afterwards. Also make sure you have some sort of family members or close friends, as they are more reliable :)

 

Good luck!

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Very good idea. Surgery is a big thing, so don't solely rely on him for comfort. But do make sure to mention that it's important to you that he be there afterwards. Also make sure you have some sort of family members or close friends, as they are more reliable :)

 

Good luck!

 

FB, you will make it through this, and you will be stronger for it. The memory of what you were able to emotionally accomplish at this stage in your life is something no one will ever be able to take away, and you will be able to draw on it for the rest of your life.

 

No need for luck. I know you'll be fine.

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I wanted to let him know just to let him know; I definitely have someone to pick me up and take care of me after (my mom). There was a time when I had assumed it would be him, but I can't rely on him, that much I know. I just wanted to let him know, like s_n_d said, but not cuz I expect anything of him, I don't. I want to talk to him, but I'm not expecting him to be there for me on Thursday. Just hope he'd want to know i'm ok.:cool:

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Far Behind, Keep us posted as to what happens.

I really hope this man comes through for you and is there for you or atleast calls you before the surgery. Either way, you have your family and friends..You dont need him.

But I understand. We both want to think that our exs CARE atleast.

Stay strong.

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s_n_d, I just said that to a friend of mine yesterday; she does the same thing too: we are letting these guys have power over our emotions, and it's wrong. I just can't seem to stop it. Like I said before, I have a very smart brain (have a masters degree and everything) just my heart is like this moron heart that is trying to rule here. But the more I tell my story, no one has heard anything like it. I just feel like i HAVE to get to the bottom of it, there has to be some kind of answer. I will definitely let you know! And you hang in there, too, keep being strong.

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Day 20 of NC for me.

Last night I had the worst breakdown ever (cried more than I have in a while).

This is such an accomplishment for me so I might just do something for myself today; go to the gym or treat myself to some good food. :D

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Day 20 of NC for me.

Last night I had the worst breakdown ever (cried more than I have in a while).

This is such an accomplishment for me so I might just do something for myself today; go to the gym or treat myself to some good food. :D

 

Hang in there - you're doing GREAT! It's very hard to let go, I know...

 

Distractions are key - hitting the gym, do some shopping, plant some flowers, see a movie, take yourself out for a great meal, read a new book, paint the dining room, clean out the attic.

 

Anything will do.

 

OP - I'd rely on your Mom, and your friends, and try your best to let go for now. Sounds like he really had some commitment issues - and trust me, if he's not ready, you don't want him.

 

Guys - just take a few seconds to breathe, close your eyes - it IS getting better. One day at a time. Recovery isn't a linear process - it's back and forth - but by being strong and staying NC you'll be stronger every day!

 

SF

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So do you guys think I shouldn't even tell him I'm having the surgery? It was never so that he would be there, but just because I would want him to be aware of it.

 

SF, I have read some of your replies and they make a lot of sense. Is that what this really is? He is just a total commitment-phobe, huh. Do guys get past that? I mean he is 48 years old, and I believe he really does have feelings for me, but that he is "missing parts" if that makes sense, the parts that are about social cues and skills, dealing with conflict, stuff like that. But it seems like people (guys) get past that?

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So do you guys think I shouldn't even tell him I'm having the surgery? It was never so that he would be there, but just because I would want him to be aware of it.

 

SF, I have read some of your replies and they make a lot of sense. Is that what this really is? He is just a total commitment-phobe, huh. Do guys get past that? I mean he is 48 years old, and I believe he really does have feelings for me, but that he is "missing parts" if that makes sense, the parts that are about social cues and skills, dealing with conflict, stuff like that. But it seems like people (guys) get past that?

 

Honestly, FB - No, I wouldn't tell him. Now, if he calls you to see how you are, then you could mention it in passing. That's IF he calls.

 

Has he ever been married? Is he divorced? If he's never been married and he's never been in a long term relationship, then I'd say he's not SO material. Maybe he didn't grow up, etc.

 

If, on the other hand, he's still reeling from another relationships then, well - things may still take time.

 

Regardless, you need to focus on YOU right now. You need to take care of yourself, deal with your medical situation, and stay strong. He's ONE man out of nearly - 2.5 billion or so?! Focus on YOU.

 

SF

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Has he ever been married? Is he divorced? If he's never been married and he's never been in a long term relationship, then I'd say he's not SO material. Maybe he didn't grow up, etc.SF

 

 

This guy has lived the majority of his adult life on the road traveling with various bands and doing lighting design on ships and in casinos. He was married for 10 years, but it was more a marriage of convenience. As he told me, he met her in Poland and married her to help her get citizenship. It lasted 10 years as he was always gone anyway. It's a little spurious, I guess. I also know of a year long relationship he had prior to meeting me, though he said it was a friendly break up. When we met, he told me all he was missing in his life was me, he wanted the commitment, my kids, the whole nine. So he said, though his actions soon proved otherwise. Would a commitment-phobe say all those things...marriage, live together, etc? Don't they know they are?

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Sounds like he thought he was ready to settle down, but then he wasn't. 180 degrees on a dime. He sounds like he doesn't know what the heck he wants.

 

If he really wants to be with you, he'll be willing to do ANYTHING to get you back. Do you see this happening?

 

You really don't need this drama in your life right now. Hmmm?

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That's the thing...I know I don't need the drama, can't take anymore of what I felt a few weeks ago, either. I am having the hardest time shaking this feeling that if we could just talk, somehow he would realize...I mean he says he loves me, says he lives with this void in his life every day...I don't get it, and I guess I just need to realize and come to terms with the fact that I may never get it, or if it's meant to be, he will find his way back to me, and if I'm still here, then it was meant to really be. Sooooo frustrating!:confused:

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Well I think I have decided not to contact him before the surgery. First of all, I had told him about it, so if he remembers is up to him; I should not have to remind him under our present circumstances. Where I am having the procedure, my friend is the nurse who will be taking care of me post-op. I was talking to her last night and we were laughing and saying it would be a hoot for her to call him and say ok, she is ready to be picked up from the surgical center...what? well she has you listed here as her contact person!:rolleyes:

It seemed funny last night, but now I don't want to play games, I don't want to burn bridges. I really just hope that he will decide when he is ready to talk to me and see if we can still put this back together. But the first step has to be initiated by him; I've really done all I should at this point. Damn this is hard. Why is this harder than it seemed leaving my 15 year marriage? Maybe cuz that was over way before I decided to leave. Hmmmm.

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older_no_wiser

He's 48 and he's never been in a committed relationship. That tells you all you need to know. He does not WANT a committed relationship. He wants to be free as a bird to do his thing. You are fragile right now and you have kids (did I get that right?) it sounds to me like this is not the man you need. At 48 he is never going to change. This is just who he is. I wonder if like me, you do know in your heart that he is not for you but that you pine for the "if only", for what might have been. And probably more so because you are going to be feeling vulnerable facing your surgery.

 

I hope you don't call him. I don't think it would make you feel any better and right now, feeling as good as you can and focussing on you, should be your main goal. I'm sure all will go well for you and that you will feel even better knowing that you got through without making that call.

 

Best wishes

 

Meg

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I wonder if like me, you do know in your heart that he is not for you but that you pine for the "if only", for what might have been. And probably more so because you are going to be feeling vulnerable facing your surgery.

 

I hope you don't call him. I don't think it would make you feel any better and right now, feeling as good as you can and focussing on you, should be your main goal. I'm sure all will go well for you and that you will feel even better knowing that you got through without making that call.

 

Hi, Meg, that is exactly what i've been doing, pining away for the what if's and if only's. And yes, I have two wonderful daughters who need my attention. I am not going to call him; I have a wonderful support system in place, and he certainly knows how to contact me. And what's more, he knows how I feel, 'Nuff said.

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Hang in there - you're doing GREAT! It's very hard to let go, I know...

 

Distractions are key - hitting the gym, do some shopping, plant some flowers, see a movie, take yourself out for a great meal, read a new book, paint the dining room, clean out the attic.

 

Anything will do.

 

OP - I'd rely on your Mom, and your friends, and try your best to let go for now. Sounds like he really had some commitment issues - and trust me, if he's not ready, you don't want him.

 

Guys - just take a few seconds to breathe, close your eyes - it IS getting better. One day at a time. Recovery isn't a linear process - it's back and forth - but by being strong and staying NC you'll be stronger every day!

 

SF

 

Thanks SF.

:D

Its funny how the littlest things remind me of him...

SF;those would have been my initials had I married my ex.

BLAH. I hope this nightmare ends soon.

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Far Behind - Just wanted to say, best of luck with your surgery on Thursday, and that I really empathise with how you are feeling at the moment - my situation is similar. Your ex sounds genuinely confused however, but you will hurt yourself waiting for him to come to the realisation that you want him to - you shouldn't have to persuade someone to be with you (I know how frustrating it is that you can't - been there done that). I would get on with your life without him, and if he comes back, then see how you feel then. all the best FlyByNite

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Thank you...that is where I am right now. He knows how I feel, and I think I know how he feels, too. I know that any further contact between us has to be initiated by him, and my life will continue regardless.

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