My boyfriend just left me after 12 years

[hurtsobadly]

I've known about this site through my friend but never thought that I'd be here one day writing about my own break up......

 

I've been with my now "ex"-boyfriend for the past 12 years. Through the years we have had our ups and downs and we started living together for the past two and a half years. This past few months things have been really like a rollercoaster. My ex has been under a lot of stress and started staying out late at night and drinking more & more. He befriended people who ike to party every day and go out and party more.

 

Soon enough, he became less motivated. He would not go to work and sleep almost all day long. But he'd be up all night partying and come back in the wee hours of the morning. I didn't like this at all and whenever I brought it up we'd get into fights. He has been under a lot of personal stress over finances, his children from a previous relationship and more that I won't get into, but you get the gist.

 

This past month he has been very on edge - the smallest thing would make him snap at me and be mad for days. One thing I noticed was he would call me names like bitch, c**t, psycho, etc, things he never had in the past. He would apologize later and things would be ok for awhile and another thing would set him off. Even the miniscule things such as me saying you didnt do the dishes would rile him up. So this past Friday he got mad at me again and didnt talk to me for almost 2 days, then told me he wanted to end things tonight because i'm a bitch and psycho and that he was moving out pronto. I told him can we talk about this as I know he's been under stress and financial problems, but he wouldnt listen and said he didnt want to talk and that he's ruined his life and wanted to start anew and didn't want me in it. He said he could never marry someone like me and that I needed to find another boyfriend. He told me he had no time to talk to me and would clear out his things this week out of our apartment.

 

We've been together for so long it just hurts so bad and all I want to know is why the sudden breakup and if we could work things out and talk it out. He said its been brewing from Friday and he wants me out of his life. I cried so much today....I never expected him to walk out. Sure we have had our fights and disagreements but he's never acted so heartless and cruel. I just cant get over the hurt after we've been through so much together over the years and was even planning to relocate in the next year.......I don't know what happened :*(

[btc8]

Hurtsobadly,

 

That's awful, and I can't even begin to describe or try to emphasize what you must be feeling, but I will reply to this thread in a few more hours when I have a few more minutes free because I have to run to class now.

 

Hang in there, and I will reply shortly!

 

-Brad

[FlyByNite]

Hey - I think I can relate to your situation, as mine is sadly similar! My ex walked out after 10 years together, 4 of those living together, right after we had bought each other valentines gifts. I don't understand how he could do that either . So I really understand how much this hurts and how alone you feel.

 

I would say though, that your ex does seem to be lashing out a lot - calling you names is not acceptable. It sounds like he thinks that he has stuffed everything up, and the only way to fix that is to completely chuck everything away and start again - unfortunately including you, even though it's not really to do with you. I think you ex needs some time to sort himself out - and maybe you can step back and let him do that, rather than trying to 'fix' the relationship. I know that's really hard, and its what I'm trying to do at the moment, but I think in this situation, the more you push, the further he's going to move away. All the best

 

FlyByNite x

[SuziwithaQ]

(((((Hurtsobadly))))) I know this pain you are in. I remember going through this with an ex. We had been together 6 years and although the situation was different, the feelings are the same. He was an alcoholic that refused to help himself.

 

Please remember that YOU are not the problem here. He has taken on these destructive behaviors and refuses to help himself. It's easier to blame you than to take responsibility for himself. I know you are hurting right now but you owe it to yourself to take care of you. Like others have told me here, take a walk, read, come to the boards.

 

You need to read about no contact. There are tons of threads about it on these boards. No contact is the best way to heal, for him to think and possibly make some changes, for you to move on or be better prepared to handle a reconcilliation.

 

I hope you find some confort in knowing that you are not alone.

[Issues & tissues]

Hurtsobadly,

 

((((Big hug!))))

 

I know exactly what you are going through. My ex broke up with me on 1 Jan 2008 and in the months leading up to the breakup he was behaving just like your boyfriend.

 

We too had been together for a very long time (almost 11 years) and recently he had started going out drinking, staying out late at night, spending a lot of time out partying and going clubbing. Sometimes he wouldn't come home at all. He started calling me the exact same names as you have listed.

 

He seemed to be permanently irritated with having me around and he would get angry at the slightest thing.

 

I think that the reason he got so angry was because he had found someone else and I was "in the way".

 

He moved out a little over 2 weeks ago. I didn't fight or beg him to stay. I just let him go. I have been in NC now for 2 weeks. At times it's really tough (even the smallest things remind me of him) but each day it's getting that little bit easier and I'm getting just that little bit stronger.

 

My advice to you is cut this man out of your life. You deserve much better than him. You will find much better than him. And that special someone may be just around the corner.

 

I now realise that what my ex and I had was not love but "co-dependency". He was my drug. I didn't think I could function without him. This was a lie.

 

I have a long way to go but I know that the kindest thing I did for myself was let him walk out that door that day. I finally cut off the dead branch so that I could blossom and become whole again.

 

My wish for you is that you will find that inner strength to do the same.

 

Keep posting - LS has been my lifeline!

 

Love

 

I&T

Edited February 18, 2008 by Issues & tissues

[imagonnacry]

Hurtsobadly,

 

Aw, hon. <<<<BIG HUG>>>> I am sorry. Hold your head up and DO THE RIGHT THING. DO NOT let his verbal abuse bring you down. You are worth more than that. You are already in the right direction posting here...

 

I am still reeling from my ex's verbal/emotional abuse myself. I know there isn't much I can say to help, but know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

 

Now, for starters, pick your head up and go for a nice long walk. It will be helpful to you, and it will drive him crazy wondering what your thinking about, which is none of his business anymore.

[btc8]

First, of all, sorry about the delay; things grew hectic. Secondly, I think that I can gather from just the content of what you posted that it sounds like your current/ex-bf is starting to cover up his problems from work with alcohol and other distractions. It's one thing to feel like you need to relax after a particularly long day with a beer or two; that's understandable. However, it sounds like he has come to depend on this sort of escape, and he is failing to get to the true root of his stress or other invisible effects.

 

What's worse is that he is lashing out at you in a particularly awful manner--a manner that is inexcusable. If he continued with that behavior, you've done done all you can do. He may have developed a problem that would benefit from some sort of therapy. But if he doesn't admit to having a problem, it will be useless to try to help him if he doesn't want any help.

 

I know it sounds shocking to hear, but you don't deserve such behavior inflicted upon you. You sound like you've done nothing to merit this, and I can only hope that he realize how bad he's got it when he's not living with you.

[hurtsobadly]

Thank you everyone for being there for me. It is of some comfort to know that the ones of you who have gone through similar situations have come out stronger people. For me, the wound is still very fresh and it has been a rough 24 hrs for me. He came by and got some of his things today and spewed his verbal jabs at me and how sick he was of me and his life. I have been trying to stay strong but find myself breaking down and crying uncontrollably more so after he came by. This will take time to heal.......... :*(

 

 

 

I

[Enema]

Sure would love to hear the other side of this story.

[btc8]

Thank you everyone for being there for me. It is of some comfort to know that the ones of you who have gone through similar situations have come out stronger people. For me, the wound is still very fresh and it has been a rough 24 hrs for me. He came by and got some of his things today and spewed his verbal jabs at me and how sick he was of me and his life. I have been trying to stay strong but find myself breaking down and crying uncontrollably more so after he came by. This will take time to heal.......... :*(

 

You need to let yourself cry. It sucks when you do it, but after you've done it, you feel a little better than you did before. It will impossible to control when you want to cry, so try to hold it back, or expect it to come. When it comes, just let it happen. You'll be glad you did later.