Four months and she confuses me always

[Unnamed]

I've been with this girl six years and known her for ten. She left me after two because I couldn't commit. Three months later we got back together, but during the break I got with someone else and left her when I got back with my ex.

 

Last Xmas we had an argument and things were never the same. I had been working away for two of the four years and seeing her at weekends. All she wanted me to do was to come back and marry her and I kept stalling because I wasn't sure how things would turn out.

 

Until August I fought hard to make things work, but an old friend of hers let her know that one drunken night a girl came onto me during the first year of our relationship and I went back to hers - I realised my mistake before things went too far and I left.

 

This caused no end of problems with her saying I had cheated on her and giving me hell for getting with another girl during our break. I kinda gave up myself and resented work and everything else for me being away, when I got back all I wanted to do was sleep - I made mistakes by not seeing her and resented the fact she lost my trust and wouldn't let me be intimate with her.

 

I got the 'I need space message' so I gave her two weeks in which she never called - so I asked around and someone had seen her holding hands with another guy. I called her and she admitted she had been seeing this guy for two weeks and he made her feel safe. I cried so much but she said she was moving on.

 

It's now been four months and I'm still in pieces, but during that time I have let it be known that I'm coming home and going to leave my job (which is what she wanted me to do). She keeps asking all my friends where I am, have I passed my driving test, am I still leaving work, have I blocked her again on MSN - even speaking to friends of mine that I know she hated and asking them if they fancy going out for Xmas/New years eve.

 

I'm so confused and there is a lot more to this than I can write, but I'm just wondering if she's with this guy, why is she asking around about me? Everyone I know says it's a rebound but it's been four months now and I'm starting to worry...

 

Any advice please as I can't seem to make any sense of this anymore

[route1]

im sorry mate that sounds bad. i really think you should get in contact with her if you want back with her. and ask her to try one more time to make it work. that is only if you can tell her one day you will commit and get married. i am in a similar position i could not commit but becuase i could not imagine the rest of my life with this person. but when we finished she has started seeing some1 else which really hurts me. there is nothing i can do. you are maybe hurting so much because she is with some1 else. but think it over. ask yourself these questions. 1. if she finishes with this dude will you take her back?? will you commit to a future?? o and please do not take her back because she is with some1 else thats the worst mistake you coiuld make. bottom line if you loved some1 enough you would not think twice of wanting to marry this person. give it time and think it over. hope this advice helps mate. trust me i have it hard to at the minute. i no how you feel

[ElvenPriestess]

Personally I think she's not with him out of a rebound, I think she is hurt and confused just like you. You two obviously went through alot together, and she feels unsure about committing again. So by getting with another guy she feels like she has the security she was hoping to find in you. And as for her asking about you, naturally she has strong feelings for you. I think she just wants something firm and strong, and is seeking that out where ever she could find it. I DO however think that her telling you she wants a break and getting with another guy right away is a blatant lack of respect for your feelings.

 

You may have made that mistake long ago with another girl, but like you say, it didn't get too far before you left. She can't be hanging that over your head forever. You have to realize that she's pretty much playing a game. And I think you have one of two choices. The first, let her go. Move on with your life. The second, would be to call her, tell her you want to talk face to face, over coffee or somewhere that won't lead to discomfort. Then tell her EXACTLY how you feel, and tell her you want to know how she feels, and what's going on. It's an unfair situation to have your feelings toyed with. I wish you the best.

[Unnamed]

Thanks for the replies, it's nice to get an outside point of view. Our friends are shared so it's hard to tell - some say she's on a rebound and some say get over her etc

 

I loved her more than anything. It's cliched but I have been in a few LTR (I'm 29, she's 26) and even working at a place with some lovely girls, no one has ever compared, that scared me when we were together too.

 

She thought I was up to no good when I was away, I wasn't but it caused arguments such as me being innocently pictured with a girl at a work do - she was insanely jealous. I took this job so I could provide her with the future she deserved

 

I've been going to the gym, lost loads of weight and bought myself a smart new wardrobe - all my friends say I look great and are amazed at how much I've changed in that respect, she remarked on it too.

 

The thing is I hardly see her. I've been told she doesn't come out with him so as not to upset me. So how can I even show her how much I care?

 

I blocked her MSN because on a friends birthday she was in the pub we were going to with him. The week after she asked my friend if I was blocking her and then proceeded to change her avatar to one of them. How would she think I would feel if I logged on and saw that?

 

Everything she wanted me to do I am, but it's been four months and I will see her over xmas but going to pieces of what I have lost. We talked about kids/marriage and she said on our last chat " I had her heart", and she has "never loved anyone" apart from me.

 

The only contact I had was on MSN (where she always initiated contact and always asked what I had been doing, if I was still leaving my job etc) and now I have blocked her I don't speak to her at all - she never texts or calls etc.

 

I'm scared that if I ask her she will say no and say she has moved on etc. I've known her for so long and I feel this guy is the most important thing in her life now in the space on three months.

 

Such a horrible feeling, just not even sure if I could have her back after this - and you are right I found out through a friend rather then her telling me

 

I just get confused and try to think of life without her and then hear she has been asking about me etc?

[ElvenPriestess]

I don't see why you would even think about talking to her, or asking her anything, I mean, this may sound harsh, but would you really want to be her SECOND choice? And seeing is how she is with someone else, that puts you in second place. In other words, you need to realize that someone who is worth focusing your attention to, is someone who puts you in FIRST place. Not parading around with some other guy. And then her saying things like she's only loved you and nobody else, well let me ask you. Would you be happy if you were the other guy and she was talking to somebody like that? I almost feel sorry for him. She wants to give you these signals and then have her arm around some other guy? No respect for what you guys had, or even respect for herself. After your relationship, it would have been common courtesy for her to give it time. I really do feel for you, but stay strong.

[Unnamed]

I guess you are right, I feel that if she wants me she knows where I am. She's so stubborn and blinded that I'm the one who ruined everything by going with this girl six years ago and another during our break. I knew it was a mistake, the second girl we were split up anyway. I've made mistakes and I hold my hands up but this was six years ago and it seems that was just an excuse to leave me.

 

She was hard work and thought I was up to no good for just having a Facebook page - silly things, and because I had lots of friends who happened to be girls she went mad and somehow justified it by breaking up with me and getting with this guy. Things had been bad but she said "show me I can trust you" and I tried but she just went mad at everything and wouldn't believe me.

 

I don't want to be second choice but it just feels I'm gonna be sitting here forever and that shouldn't I fight for her or something? Every day goes by and I feel I lose her a little more that's all. She said the nice things on the phone the day I found out and confronted her - which again was months ago

 

It's funny as she took two weeks to find someone else and started ranting at me that I got with a girl after 2 1/2 months after we broke up and I couldn't have cared that much. I know if I log back into MSN she will speak to me but at at the moment she is just constantly hurting me and I don't think she is meaning to - just he ruined it, I'm moving on kinda thing.

 

I've been told that if I have another woman on my arm that will make her flip, it certainly did last time - the problem is I can't find anyone and don't see her much anyway... I'm just at a total loss because I know I should have been with this girl - at least I want to look back and say I tried to fight for it.

[ElvenPriestess]

 

she said "show me I can trust you" and I tried but she just went mad at everything and wouldn't believe me.

 

It's funny as she took two weeks to find someone else and started ranting at me that I got with a girl after 2 1/2 months after we broke up

 

she is just constantly hurting me and I don't think she is meaning to - just he ruined it, I'm moving on kinda thing.

 

I've been told that if I have another woman on my arm that will make her flip, it certainly did last time -

- at least I want to look back and say I tried to fight for it.

 

You tried to show her she can trust her, which is you fighting for her right there. So you CAN ALREADY look back and said "I fought the good fight."

 

She's VERY hypocritical, which is I believe the point you were making about getting mad at you for dating while you broke up and here she does the same thing and with less tact.

 

She's constantly hurting you, so really, why would you want to fight for that? You deserve someone who you don't have to fight another guy to get, because you're the only one she can even IMAGINE being with.

 

As far as having another woman on your arm, that wouldn't be fair to her or you. Not fair to her because you are still trying to get past feelings for someone else. And not fair to you because you need to be the bigger person, and strutting around with someone else is what she's done, and by imitating that you would be no better than her. Don't lessen yourself by stooping to her level.

[Unnamed]

Thank you so much for your post, as said it's nice to get an outside view and put things in some kind of perspective.

 

I did fight for us, but coming back to someone who seemed unsure of me I started to lose hope when I should have fought harder. I started hanging out with my friends more and because she had so many problems - her house, her health, money, family, jealousy issues and then her friend telling her about years ago, it felt like I couldn't win. Something would always crop up and take things back to square one.

 

She is very hypocritical and she gave me all this grief about me doing these things and thinking I would go off with someone when she did it herself in the space of two weeks. She is constantly hurting me, but I have never met anyone who compares, believe me I even tried to think if I should be someone else at points but no one has ever matched up to her and I told her that.

 

I think half of my worry is that I will never be with someone that perfect to me - especially as I'm getting older now and wanting to settle down. Just the way she looked, she is stunning and everyone was jealous I was with someone so beautiful. It's such a kicker to have to log onto Facebook and see she is at the top of all my friends list for everything - it just makes me realise what I have lost every day.

 

I agree I shouldn't bring the other woman out in front of her - I think all my friends are just waiting for fireworks when that happens and especially being in a group that is so close and thrives on drama is such a pain.

 

I guess I just need to plod along and whatever the future holds if we find our way back to each other then great, but I won't hold out much hope.

 

I just worry I'm sitting here doing nothing when other people say I should let her know and maybe bump into her, or somehow show her I have changed and I'm willing to be everything she wants me to be - I just don't understand how that will ever happen if I sit here doing nothing while she forgets about me day in day out with this new guy?

[ElvenPriestess]

Haven't you tried showing her in the past that you'd changed? And you're right, I think your friends are just looking for fireworks, and you've been big enough to make the right choice. No woman is perfect, and while you say she was the perfect one for you, I don't see how someone so careless with your feelings could be classified as that? I think she just became detattched, lost interest for one reason or another. And that's not a fault on you. She has shown you that she's moved on, even if she hasn't come out and said it. That's not to say she doesn't have feelings for you anymore, she's just moved the rest of herself forward. Now at best I think you DO need closure. And if and when you're ready, I suggest you tell her you need to talk to her, and be honest, tell her you need closure from your relationship with her. This will clarify EVERYTHING. Tell her to be honest. And no matter what she says, even if it hurts, you will have a clear answer of what to do from that point on. Again, this needs to be when you are emotionally ready for it, and when you know you are strong enough to hear whatever she has to say. That's just an idea you might want to consider.

[CaliGuy]

10 years of knowing someone, 6 years of dating and you never proposed.

 

I think she believes you never would have and she has probably moved on to someone who would.

 

Not to sound harsh, but for at least 6 years it seems all you cared about was yourself. Now you are facing the reality of that decision. You lost her.

 

About the only chance you have is to propose and make things right, but honestly I think you are well past that point don't you agree?

[Unnamed]

When we were at a friends wedding a year back someone asked her, "so when are you two getting married"? To which she replied "I'm just waiting for him to ask me" argh

 

To be fair, last new years I said - "Maybe this will be the year that you let me marry you" but because we'd had that argument and things went weird I never proposed as she wasn't the same with all the other problems as mentioned.

 

I think it's harsh to say I only cared about me. I lived for that girl and spent a fortune on her as well as travelling constantly for hours just so I could see her - I took the job so I could build a future for us. I was in a dead-end shop job earning nothing before I got offered this massive opportunity.

 

It was catch 22 - leave the job and hope we are ok or pray things get better, I didn't want to give up my job for someone I knew wasn't 100% in which I would be left with nothing - I couldn't win.

 

I guess it is too far gone and the reality is sinking in - I did lose her. I was going to propose but just left it too late and you are right she has gone with someone who can provide her that security. I just wished there was some way I could fix it.

 

There's a life lesson here, I'm just sorry it was me that had to learn it