Having a hard time Letting Go

[Chiquita27]

So...it has been a few weeks since he decided he didn't want the relationship anymore....and a few days ago we saw eachother after some time apart.

 

After I saw him I've had my ups and downs.......yesterday was a good day....today I'm not so sure. It makes me really sad to see him go and not be part of my life anymore. I think it makes me even sadder that I am not part of his life anymore. Since the day I saw him I haven't spoken to him....I do wish he called.....but I don't know if I would answer. My friends say I shouldn't and here I read I shouldn't. My friends give me advice about ignoring him and letting him look for me......but he's not even looking for me.....they talk about being harsh and cold and to think about all the bad things he has done to me. But I can't help it and I miss him.

 

Every night I fight a battle, and now whenever I am going to sleep I'm getting like anxiety attacks because I always dream about him.........I'm getting sick of it...it's like my conscious and my subconscious are in a constant battle..........when I'm awake I'm ok.........but when I go to bed that's when I get sad..............it's so weird.

 

I can't help but to wonder if he misses me........and to wonder if he would ever call. I know he has to work on his issues....but I also know that he will start dating again soon. That's the way he works.

 

Anyway....just wanted to vent a little

[jaelynne52]

Yeah, a lot of the things I've read and what people have told me is to make a list of all your ex's bad qualities, and then whenever you start to miss him take out the list and read what you are also avoiding. My problem with that is that I don't hate him, so I have a hard time finding his bad qualities. I know he has them, but they all seem so insignificant compared to what good he has to offer.

 

But maybe it'll do you some good? If nothing else, I'm sure you have some pet peeves you can gripe about! My guy was horrible about never putting his glasses in the sink when he was through. He'd come to my house, stay the night, and then the next morning after he left I'd have to go around and collect all my cups. It always made me shake my head in a very amused and yet annoyed way. It was a little thing, like I said, but at least it's something. Do you have any peeves you'd like to gripe about?

[Chiquita27]

I can get a pretty long list about his flaws.....the problem is that I accepted them and lived with them....but let's try:

 

-Never listened

-Never remembered anything we did together (that would really bother me)

-Gave me crap for closing the bathroom door (this was always an issue...weird eh!)

-Selfish...yup....very selfish boy

-Never really tried to get involved with my friends (my friends didn't really like him)

[jaelynne52]

See, you have the same problem as me. If you love someone in spite of their flaws, then I feel that it's really love, and not just affection or hormones taking over. But at least you can recognize he has flaws.

 

The bathroom thing is sort of odd, but I had a boyfriend who was the same way. Weird, huh? I like my privacy!!

 

One of the things about my ex that drove me crazy is how insecure he could be around new people. He'd get all antsy and jittery, and become arrogant, I think as a way to prove something. I always wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him until he acted normal again.

 

I didn't ask about your dreams before, but what sort of dreams are you having? Are they intimate dreams, or just dreams where he shows up?

[Chiquita27]

Oh man...mine does that too....he loves to make himself sound so cool and cocky in front of new people he meets.

 

That would always bother me too..........

 

The funny thing about my dreams is that I don't really remember them....they are of him coming back and even in my dreams I find it very surprising, but they are not intimate or anything of that sort. They just cause me anxiety because when I wake up I miss him more.

[jaelynne52]

I've only had one dream with my ex in it, but I remember the next day I was a complete mess. I spent a good couple hours at work just staring at my computer unable to focus on anything. I can't imagine having them over and over again. And unfortunately, I don't know if there is any sort of advice a person can give you to cope with that. The best I got is to try and avoid thinking about him in the hours before you go to bed. I know, that's the hardest time because you lie in bed before you close your eyes thinking of everything that has happened, and how sad you are, and what you hope could happen...

 

Chiquita, that has got to be hard. And I'm sure the anxiety over it isn't helping any. I know this is going to sound all new-age and silly, but have you tried having a sort of waking dream before you go to sleep where you visualize the opposite of what you keep dreaming about. Before going to sleep, work up a complete daydream of him moving far away, or you having to go into hiding, something that would make it impossible for you to ever contact him again that doesn't involve your breakup. Let your mind wander down some pretty crazy avenues and be as creative and kooky as possible, just like a real dream would be. Then maybe it'll stick in your head, and he won't show up in your dreams.

 

I know this sounds completely bizarre and off the wall, but it'll distract you right before you go to bed, and maybe trick your brain into thinking of something else while you are sleeping. It always helps me fall asleep when I'm having difficulties, and my dreams will sometimes be completely normal compared to the crazy stuff I come up with before I crash!

[Chiquita27]

Your advice is not crazy at all....it does make sense.

 

I'm going to try it.....hopefully with time my sleeping will get better...so far the past 3 weeks have been really bad........and it's starting to hit me because I look tired.

 

Thanx!

 

You make me feel like I'm not alone.....I appreciate your responses

[jaelynne52]

Right back at you! If I didn't have you to respond to sometimes, I don't know what I would do with myself. Giving you advice and being here for you helps keep me on track, because if I'm preaching it to you, it'd make me a hypocrite to do the opposite!

 

I'm glad I can help whenever I can.

[trulysomething]

So sorry to hear what's going on Chiquita. My ex (umm..we broke up about 2 weeks ago..but in reality maybe about a month or so ago..my post is around here someplace) calls me everyday and has even taken me out on dates! He really wants to be friends..and says he just needs to be single and does not plan on dating anyone else. It's been rough, but each day I pull back a bit. I think about him a lot, but I also have a list of cons that I review when I'm feeling sad. If you think about it, there are quite a few!

I don't know what's going to happen..and I'd like to think (like everyone in this forum) that he will come to his senses and recognize the good thing he had. Hopefully by that time, I'll be with the man who truly deserves me or I will at least be ready to try again.

 

I adore him and it's tough. Keep your chin up and your eyes open *grins*

[Chiquita27]

Sooo......NC was broken on friday and we ended up spending time together. It was really weird to spend time with eachother...we didn't say anything at all about our relationship or our breakup until the end. And it wasn't even that much. I told him I was down, but mostly because work had been really rough on Friday. He told me sometimes he has down days but that was about it. We drove around trying to find something to eat, then got a movie and went to his place to eat and watch it. We weren't even close to eachother and I made my best effort to never cross my limits, since I was really used to hugging him or leaning on him when we watched movies.

When the movie was over I got up and started getting ready to leave. I couldn't help it anymore and told him that sometimes I wished I didn't miss him....and he said the same to me. He said he still has to figure things out...then we hugged eachother really tight and he apologized for feeling weird around me, I said I felt the same way. Then I left.

I don't know what any of it meant.......it's clear that we both miss eachother. But I guess he's still not ready for anything with me.....and maybe he will never be.

Since that day I've realized that is best to let things take their course and don't even try to force anything to happen. I miss him...Yes...very much........but if it's painful for both of us to see eachother....it's best to stay away. It's hard to be out of his life.

[jaelynne52]

It sounds like things weren't all bad, though. That's a good thing. How did you feel afterwards? I know it's awkward to be around your SO after they haven't been your SO for so long. I'm glad he was more understanding this time around, it seems.

 

I think it's good for you to just BE for now, Chiquita. I don't know how best to describe that except to say just accept that you don't know, that things will change with or without your direct contemplation on it. (I'm writing this to also give myself some advice!! I could use a little just being...) I see us both looking for answers in every bit of contact, every nuance of conversation, and I don't think it's that easy. When I went NC for my three weeks (makes me sound like a quitter...) I was at peace with myself finally, and I think it was because I accepted that I had no control over any of this. I just had to let it happen, one way or another.

 

I think you can read good things into your meeting with him. I think it shows that a lot of the things that have happened before could have been just emotionally based reactions, and not deeper emotion. But it also looks like there is still a lot of work on both your parts before things can be good for either of you. Stay strong with yourself, and it'll be seen by him. Hopefully it'll give him the strength to be strong himself, and maybe feel better about himself and who he is.

[Chiquita27]

Jae!!

I don't understand when you say "I think it shows that a lot of the things that have happened before could have been just emotionally based reactions, and not deeper emotion." what do you mean by that?

 

You are so right when you say that everytime I see him I try to get answers.....it's soo true....but like you say...it's not that easy...........

 

Yes, things should be able to change without our direct contemplation on them...they might go our way...or they might go in a different direction.....I guess now we have to focus on just making ourselves be ok...they are focused on them.....we have to stop caring so much about what they are going through...and worry more about us.....I know is easier said than done.....

 

You sound like you are doing good.....and that gives me hope........your words give me strength.....and I appreciate that

[jaelynne52]

When I said that it seems like things might have been emotionally based reactions, I meant that they were momentary. When you are angry or frustrated or confused, you respond immediately without thinking of the consequences, and sometimes your response isn't what you really intend. I think that a lot of the time when your guy responds to you negatively, hurting you and being rude, he doesn't necessarily intend to hurt you. From what you wrote, it seems like he still has feelings for you, but he doesn't know what to do with them. Then he gets frustrated with himself, because nothing he does feels right. Being with you doesn't feel right, being without you doesn't feel right, no matter what he does he feels bad.

 

He knows that something is wrong, and he feels that somehow that something wrong is connected to you. I wouldn't begin to try and figure out what is going though his head, because I'm sure that he himself isn't happy being there.

 

I guess I was just trying to say that I think there are deeper emotions going on here then the surface frustration and anger. It comes off as coldness to you. As much as it hurts you, I think it also shows a bit of hope. I wouldn't grasp at it too tightly, but it shows that he isn't completely heartless. He does miss you, which suggests that even if he doesn't love you completely now, (and I'm not saying he doesn't) he did love you at some point. I know you already know this, but I thought maybe hearing it written out might remind you that you are loveable. I know that it's easy to see all the anger and forget that part.

 

Sorry, I feel this is getting way off track...Just wanted to say that things aren't always as bad as they seem at their worst.

[Chiquita27]

Got it!!!.......sometimes I feel like you are reading my mind and you are actually seeing us go through this.

 

Want to know something?....sometimes I feel like you know me better than my friends....maybe it's because at times I post stuff here that I don't tell my friends. Somebody that doesn't know me and that doesn't know him, would have a better view of things. My friends take my side and start hating on him. Whereas here, people see things from a different point of view.

 

Thanks for your feedback Jae!

 

How are you doing today?

[jaelynne52]

Yeah, I find it a lot easier to post on here what I'm feeling than tell my friends everything as well. There's just that outside view that can make a world of difference in how you see things. And like you said, I have a few friends that are actually madder at him for what he's done to me than I am, and I'm the only one who should be justified in my anger. They barely even know him, but now he's evil...I just don't get it.

 

I'm doing much better today than I was last week. I posted a thread on a recent conversation I had with my ex, and I feel tons better about the situation now. Like I told you, being around him helped me see that I just need to step back from everything and just BE. It's the only way I'm going to feel at all okay with any of this.

[Chiquita27]

I sit tonight in front of my computer...waiting.....don't know exactly what I expect....an email...a message...a phone call. All I know is that I'm waiting for something.

Then I realize that I wait in vain...nothing will happen...nobody is going to call....and maybe that makes me feel safe.

If a phone call from him was to come in...I wouldn't know what to do...I'm sure I would answer...I've done it before...I will always do it. It's best to let things happen....and let life take its course. I'm not sad tonight....I think I feel lonely....but I don't feel sad.

I wonder if he misses me.....I wonder if he's thinking of me...I guess I will never know....I better stop thinking about that.

 

I hope he's doing ok.....I'm sure he is.

[jaelynne52]

Oh Chiquita, I know you said you weren't feeling sad, but you sound so sad!! Loneliness can be just as bad...

 

Did your night end better? Or did you stay lonely? I wish I could do something more for you then the little messages I can leave here...

[Chiquita27]

Hey!

I think the night got worse....I was looking for some paper I needed for today.........and I ended up finding some letter he had written to me where he promised me love and all these wonderful things.....I got really upset when I read it.......I ripped it..........and for some reason didn't want it in my garbage so I went out and threw it out in a garbage can outside.

 

I feel silly doing that stuff......and I think last night was a sad night as much as I try to think I wasn't sad.....yeah....I felt empty.

 

Today I'm doing better...I have a few things to look forward to and that's keeping me up. His absence in my life is really getting to me, but I'm sure I'll be able to overcome that at some point. I think I miss his friendship more than anything too....we were really good friends and we shared a lot of stuff with eachother. But the last time I saw him I sensed that he doesn't even want that for now.

 

Thanks for your messages Jae...I appreciate them!

[jaelynne52]

Don't feel silly for doing things like that. It's those kind of acts that can become little rituals for us, and maybe give you a tiny bit more closure. Besides, when your feelings seem so irrational to you, it's okay to do irrational things. You have to get it out somehow...

 

I tried painting to help me concentrate on something else so I wouldn't think of my ex all of the time. Then one day I was in my basement painting, and I just sort of had a breakdown. I started painting the word "Why" over and over again, because I just couldn't understand why all of it was happening to me. I started bawling my eyes out, and I got so frustrated. But once I finished painting, and got all the "whys" out of me, I felt tons better. I still have the painting, and while it's nowhere near a work of art, it makes me feel better to see all that confusion that was inside me out in the open.

 

so yeah, I can understand the need to go outside to throw it away. Maybe you couldn't stand to have it near you anymore, or maybe you thought if you kept it in your trash inside, you'd be tempted to tape it back together and keep it. Who knows what your brain was trying to tell you, but if it gave you peace, then it was necessary.

 

BTW, Chiquita, do you keep a journal or anything like that? You write very well here on the forum, so I was curious if you write for yourself as well. I think it would do you some good, if you don't already...

[Chiquita27]

I don't really write much.....I think I should start though, it would help me out with dealing with my emotions I suppose.

 

I think I'm starting to feel hopeless about the whole situation. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe if I lose hope of things working out I'll stop waiting for stuff to happen.

 

Sometimes I just want to give up on him.....and forget we even met.....but then I remember our great times together and ask myself if I really want to forget about somebody that gave me good things. But then I remember the bad stuff too......and try to find a balance.

 

Jeez....it's so confusing!......I think as cheesy as it might sound....time will bring the answers to all my questions and concerns.

 

Jaelynne you do great things for me. Just wanted you to know that.

[jaelynne52]

I'm glad I can help, I just wish I could help more!

 

Yeah, I would try keeping a journal. I actually have started keeping two. I have one that is just for me, to write out how I feel about myself and what I've been through so far. And then I have another that I write letters to my ex that I never send. If I'm feeling upbeat, I might write about how I still have hope and love for him, that I'm glad he's recognizing he has a problem now and trying to work on it, that I wish I could help him along with it, but I respect and accept what he is going through. When I get frustrated or angry, I just yell at him, all the things I wish I could call him up and tell him, but I know won't make anything better for me or for him.

 

Sometimes it's just the same sentence over and over again, with slight changes..."Why are you doing this to me? I just don't understand. How could you hurt me, us, like this? What are you thinking? I wish I understood." As futile as it sounds, it sometimes helps me get rid of all those questions that otherwise just float in my head. Seeing them on paper makes them seem more concrete and answerable, even when I don't have answers for them, and it gets the powerless feeling out of me.

 

As for feeling hopeless, I think it's better to hope that what will be, will be. Being with him might not be your future, but so long as you remember that someday your Prince Charming will show up, I think you'll be okay. They always say, as soon as you stop looking for something, that's when you find it...

[jaelynne52]

Hey, Chiquita, just thought I would check in to see how you are doing. I haven't heard from you in a couple of days, so I wanted to make sure things were still okay. Let me know. I've been thinking of you!!

[MattyTee]

Hey!

 

Just read through this thread and big hugs to you all. I just wanted to add another nod to the journal idea. I've been writing every day in much the same way as Jae talks about. If I look back over each day I can see patterns and repeats but I also see some subtle little changes. It's a great thing to do. It can help to clear your mind and you will gradually see that things have improved.

 

All the best

[Chiquita27]

I thought I was doing good and I thought that keeping in touch with ex with certain constrains may have been a good idea. Since he sometimes needs to talk and I had offered to be there for him.

Got together and had a good time....unfortunately things went further than they should've had and I totally take blame for it, because I kind of started it. Now things are probably worse than before. Now lots of doubts and insecurities are arising from my part because I don't know if he's playing the field. I asked if he's involved with someone else but he said No.

He needs his own time and space and I think I crossed the line.

 

I think now I'm the one that needs to stay away because I feel so low and weak. However, at that moment I just wanted to be free to do what I wanted and he let me, I feel like I can't be running away from what I want. But in this case it's best to stay away from what I want.

 

It does make me sad....but I can't say I regret it....I can't live with regrets all my life.........I know it can't happen again because it would only hurt me more. And I think now I just want my own time and space....build walls that are high and thick..............I don't do any good to him at this point and neither does he do any good to me.

 

I guess I'm back to square one..........but each day my conviccion of letting go is stronger and stronger.....it's hard....lonely and sad.....but I feel like time will decide if that's the right thing to do.

[jaelynne52]

I don't think you are weak; you're learning. It's good that you can sit back and recognize what was good and what was bad about your situation. I really hope that you see that in yourself, and give yourself the comfort that you need right now. If not, I'll do my best to be here to pick you up, brush off the dirt, and tell you it's okay to fall down sometimes...

 

I'm sorry to hear you sound so sad...It's good that you are trying to not have any regrets. Take each moment you experience as a way for you to grow and be stronger, and hopefully things will start to feel better for you.

 

Before this, how were things? Were you feeling more secure?