kicking myself

[rightthing]

Hi,

 

I was with my ex-girlfriend for the last 18 months. During this time she went through a bout of depression and ended up turning to alcohol and drugs to sort out her mood swings. As you could expect, this did not do her or our relationship any good. I tried to get her to see sense and get help but her moods became ever more erratic and her behaviour/respect towards me crashed (wouldn't phone for days, was rude, lied etc). I've been torn for months - deciding to myself that i would finish with her but the other side of me thinking that she's just going through a rough patch and i should support her.

 

About a month ago (after another argument) she called me out-of the blue to say she wanted to stop and change. Being wary, I took it with a pitch of salt but agreed to see what she would do. We ended up meeting two weeks back and had a great evening together - just like it was before. She stayed over and the following day I went to work. Came back home and found her and her sister (who she invited over) completely drunk, my house was a tip and she'd been looking through my things for some grass/dope. I couldn't believe it. I spoke to her gently at first but as she was drunk she was just being dismissive and saying I should "chill out". This wound me up even more and she just became even more disrespectful. I'd had enough of both their behaviour and asked them to leave (after a lot of shouting and swearing I must admit). My ex was saying all awful things and just as she was leaving she went to grab a bottle of wine to take with her. I just flipped (i didn't want the pair of them walking the streets drunk - I even offered to drive them home). I pulled the wine from her and literally pushed her away from it. Her sister flipped even more after this and eventually they both left.

 

I sent her a message a few days later to appologise for pushing her out but explaining that she had a problem and she needed to sort it out. I told her that I loved and cared for her but until she decided to really get help for herself there was nothing I could do for her.

 

I've not heard anything since (I guess she and her sister have conspired to get drunk and just forget me). I really care for this girl but I've given her so many chances to change but it never happens. I'm thinking that maybe I should call her, to see how she is but my other side thinks (as well as all my friends) that I should leave well alone and move on.

 

I so miss her (the normal her) and hoping she will seek help but i'm left here alone, wondering what she's up to, thinking etc. If I call it may set me back again, if i don't maybe we'll never talk. I just don't know what to do....

[Curious139]

You sound like a very decent person. Your g/f has to want to change herself and clearly you have done as much as you can to help her. Sadly it hasn't taken hold so far.

 

Part of your feelings for her are compassion, a desire to help. That is a fine quality in anyone. However you might be mixing the sensation of love with your wish to help which means your true feelings about her are masked.

 

I think you should just give her some time. She may realise how good you are or .......she might not. One of the awful lessons in life is that sometimes we end up loving and caring for people who do not feel the same way about us. We cannot make another person love us.

 

Hope this helps.

[Spinderella]

Unfortunately you cant force somebody to get help. You can point things out, but unless they want to listen, they wont hear it. Is her sister usually drinking aswell, is it possible to tell her sister that you really think your gf has a problem and you dont think she should be being encouraged to drink?

It may or may not be taken well, but may be worth a try. It depends on whether her sister is supportive or mature or not.

Other than that, I dont think there is alot you can actually DO except try and get on with your life. Hopefully she will come to her senses and realise how worried about her you were, and realise that she needs to get herself some help.

[rightthing]

Thanks for your replies.

 

With regards to her sister, my ex explained that she'd been drinking heavily for some time (emotional problems). She moved in to live with my ex so that she could be looked after - ended up dragging my ex down with her I guess. Her sister is younger, only 20 and looking back, they do both act immature (but only when drinking).

 

It's so hard, she's so loving but after a few drinks she completely another person. I don't know which is the real her.

 

I'm worried that she's going to do something really bad or get into a situation when she's drunk that'll hurt her.

 

We've not spoken for about 2 weeks. I guess i'm asking should i call her to see how she's doing or just leave her be. I know I can't change her and i'm nervous how she will respond to me (if at all). I certainly don't won't to get into a conversation where i forgive her actions - i'm not going to be an enabler like her sister and friends. I don't won't her to think I'm a doormat either - but i really love this girl (well the old her).

 

What you think - call or not?

[Darkzen]

If she hasn't wronged you yet, leave now and don't look back. Otherwise you'll end up in my situation. I feel so disrespected and treated so unfairly by my ex, that I couldn't move on until I got some vindication. I couldn't just let everything go or it would have further destroyed part of my ideals.

 

It could very well be a rough patch, but she needs a life changing experience to make her take pause and evaluate her life. You being supportive of her, only propagates her problems. She needs a reality check to straighten out IMHO. Although, a taste of reality could only make her worse, by the same token.

 

I understand the being in love thing, but it'll only blind you to reality. She's not the girl you love and may never have been.

 

Good luck either way, no one deserves to be treated unfairly, if they didn't do anything wrong.

[rightthing]

Hi - an update.....

 

Well I decided not to call her for the last couple of weeks.. was really hard to be honest.

 

Today i get a call from her...i decided to pick up. She simply says that she's crashed her car a few days back and asks if i could pick her mum up from a train station!! No "how are you?", or talk about anything...unbelievable.

 

Well I told her no, said goodbye and hung up.

 

Two things here:

 

1) The arrogance of her is beyond belief - like i'm some sort of social asset/taxi service

2) I reckon that there is some sort of Karma going on - i don't know what happened with her car but my gut says it's to do with her drinking. It'll cause havoc with her job and maybe this will help her to recognise what's become of herself and her life.

 

My good natured side wants to go out, help and call her. Find out what's happened etc. But I'll let it go as hard as it is.

 

I'll probably end up calling her in a few days to see how she is....but i'll try stop myself. Part of me wants her to know I care (i know she's really pissed with me after i said no) but I still want her to take responsibility for her actions/behaviour.

 

In the mean time, i'll try to forget and get on with my life.

 

Thanks for reading