I'm a mess

[jaelynne52]

Well, new here, but I really need someone to talk to that can maybe offer advice or just a "shoulder to cry on". My boyfriend of two years broke up with me about two weeks ago, but it just hit me this sunday. Before that I was holding out that maybe he was just confused/depressed/going through something I couldn't be a part of.

 

We've had a lot of problems in our relationship involving his family (mom doesn't like me) in the last six months or so, and I don't think he knows how to deal with it. He has withdrawn from me, wouldn't open up about how he felt, and I think he has slowly became depressed. Now he says that he feels something is missing in our relationship, some deeper connection and he doesn't think it will ever work out again. I still love him madly, and I want it to work, and I think it could if he would only open up to me, talk to me, but he's completely shut me out of his heart. He's convinced that the only way he'll be happy again, have the life that he wants, is if I'm not in it. It hurts so much to even think that.

 

Right now I'm doing the best I can to just go day to day. I know he needs time to himself to sort out how he's feeling, and I don't want to hold out hope that things will get better, but I can't stop myself. I feel so strongly that there is something there worth fighting for, and I just wish that he could see that. He says that he still loves me, but that it's not enough, he needs more. I don't know what to think or feel, and I keep going in circles in my head. Should I give up on it, just give him space for a while, what? I keep thinking that if he's no longer interested, then I shouldn't hold out for something that might never happen.

 

And the hardest part is the friendship. We've been really good friends for a long time now, before we started dating, and I don't want to lose that. But it's so hard to be around him and not grab his hand or spontaneously kiss him. I'm giving myself as much space as I can, trying to heal and learn how to not be dating him, and he's respecting that, but I don't know if I can eventually let this go if I'm still talking to him.

 

I don't know what to do....

[birdie]

is there any other major or regular issue apart from his family?

[jaelynne52]

There is a lack of communication that has built up over time. When it first happened, and his mom forbid me to come around her house, I was scared to confront him about how he felt. He was so upset for a long time, and I didn't want him to think that my personal feelings would affect any advice or comfort I gave him. And then he wouldn't talk to me about it, because he was trying to deal with it on his own, and I think he was also scared that I wouldn't understand. He's always been bad about expressing his anger or frustration clearly.

[birdie]

yep, very familiar. I've just broken up with somebody because he was like that. we weren't together for long but I know from experience that you need to be able to talk things through otherwise you drift apart.

 

I understand why you didn't want to push his boundaries and I think it's really hard to get somebody open up and discuss something when they don't want to. Not even sure if it's right for you to be honest. What would happen if you had bigger issues than this? How would he be a partner in helping you solving it?

 

Sorry, don't mean to be cruel but this is reality check for you I think.

[marty]

if he feels that way, and you dont, know matter how hard , maybe a period of being away from each might help

 

if it was right, he'll come back to you. if not, he wont. sounds really hard i know, and i'm sorry, but the more contact you have , the more damage may be done.

 

he knows where you are. and he'll find you if thats what he wants. he's obviously not happy right now, and he needs to find that on his own.

 

he knows you love him and are there for him,,, its all you can do for him right now.

 

and please,,,, look after yourself.

 

Stay strong, you've found a great place here,, everyone is here to help.

[jaelynne52]

thanks so much for the advice and words, even if they are hard to hear. I know that there isn't anything I can do right now except focus on healing myself. It's just so HARD!!

 

I'm glad that I found a place that I can talk about this. I feel bad going to my friends all of the time, being sad and crying. They are being really great, listening and supporting, but I don't want to be too much. I don't really have many close friends that have gone through this sort of thing, so I feel like i'm placing a huge burden on the ones I have.

 

I have to see him this weekend because we both volunteered for a festival before this all happened, but after that I'm planning on severing contact for a while, to give each of us space to think and feel a little. I want to let it go so bad, so that I can start feeling better, and I'm hoping this will help. Like I said, I want my friendship with him to continue, but right now it's too hard to see him and know he doesn't feel the same way.

 

Thank you all for listening to me!! I really appreciate knowing I'm not alone.

[Curious139]

You are thinking in the right directions. You need time apart and no contact for a while. That will give both of you time to heal and sort out your feelings.

 

Yes it is hard but you've come to the right place. I understand exactly what you mean about relying on your friends for support. You should be able to do that but there are limits. They can sympathise but not share the pain you feel - it is intensely personal. So unload here, it is healthy and you are among people who truely understand the agony of the breakup.

[jaelynne52]

Okay, so I'm having an emotional crisis. I have to see my ex tomorrow, and I'm very nervous about it. I'm scared of getting all the feelings I'm just now managing to control a little, all out of whack. This last week I've taken a lot of time to think and reflect on myself, and I've made myself face the reality that nothing is going to change between us as long as he is set in the thought process he is currently on, so I feel that I've finally quit lying to myself that he will come around. There is nothing I can do about it, and that's that. It's in his and fate's ballpark now, and I have to give myself up to forces outside of me.

 

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that he's the one for me. I've been in love before him, hard, and it was nothing compared to how I feel now. I could have been happy with the prior guy, if things had worked out, could have married him and lived a normal life. And I know that I'll probably find that sort of love again. It was good love, strong love, but it wasn't THIS love. Maybe i'm just all caught up in how I feel still, so I can't separate the two, but I feel so SURE, in my gut, that this is right, that this was supposed to be.

 

I think I've decided that after tomorrow, I'm going to go no contact. I want to be friends with him, but I don't know that I can get over him if I see him on even a casual basis. I feel that he's the guy for me that will take months, maybe years, to get completely over. I'm worried that years down the road I'll run into him somewhere, and get the wrench in my stomach letting me know that I'm looking at what I lost out on. I don't want to finally start to feel happy again and see him and start to doubt myself. I really don't know what to do.

[jaelynne52]

I hung out with my ex on Saturday, and now I don't know what to do. I told him that I wanted no contact because trying to just be friends was too hard, and now he's willing to talk to me, and tell me he's having mixed feelings, that he wants to try to work things out, he just doesn't think that they will. What should I do? I had every intention of saying this is it, I can't do this, but then it felt so good that he would actually listen to what I had to say, and agreed that what I thought were problems, were problems, something he wouldn't do before. I want this relationship to work, very badly, because I feel that he is the love for me, and if he is willing to try to figure something out then I don't think I can just not talk to him.

 

But it hurts to hang out and not be together with him. He doesn't want to be anymore than friends with me while working this out, because he's scared that it's something that can't be worked out. I don't know if I can just be friends expecting things to get better, and then he never drops this attitude that things are stuck the way they are. I don't know what to tell him.

 

Also, one thing that happened this weekend that makes me think he still wants to be with me: I mentioned that I was thinking of forcing myself to move on and start seeing other people, so that maybe I would get over him faster. He got really depressed when I mentioned it and really quiet, and said that he doesn't like seeing me this way. Since we have a lot of mutual friends and something like this might get back to him, I asked if he'd prefer to hear it from me or through the grapevine, the only reason I brought up the conversation. I don't think he's let go of the idea that I'm still "his" yet. Should I take this as hope that maybe he wants to still be with me? Or should I just assume that it's the typical jealousy and other emotions you get when you find out someone you loved is seeing someone else? I'm not looking to be in a relationship right now because I'm still very much in love with him, and he knows this. It's almost as though he has more of an issue with me dating casually and getting out there than if I were to find another man and fall in love. I don't get it. When I left him that night he gave me a hug, and it felt like he never wanted to let me go. I had to gently push him away so that I could leave.

 

What should I think? I'm getting such mixed signals from him, and I just start to get some resolve and things go down the drain. He told me before that he wanted to work on things with me, and then two days later said that things would never work. I don't want to go through the pain of losing that hope again. Please help!!