Jump to content

Long Post Warning... very long


Recommended Posts

I posted this thread on www.loveforum.net not too long ago. It’s going to be very long as I’m including all of the posts I made throughout the thread. Any advice, comments, anything is not only welcomed but highly encouraged. And I apologize for the length.

 

 

To start this out.. I just wanted to say bear with me. My thoughts tend to jump from point to point. There's much in my head/heart and I'm not known for any writing prowess.

 

The Short Version:

 

My G/F of 4 years recently left me, and I'm devastated.

 

 

The Detailed Version:

 

My best friend for the past decade, the love of my life for the last four years, told me nearly two weeks ago that I had slowly killed her love over the past year.

 

I'm 26, she's 24. We are both college grads with crappy jobs (Really Crappy). During the first three years of our relationship, we were both really happy. We both settled down from partying and were starting a new life in a nice apartment. She wanted marriage for a long time. I wasn't ready for that until recently. To my knowledge, neither of us has ever cheated on each other. It truly was, perfection in my eyes.

 

In the fourth year, we decided to move in together. Money was semi-tight so I took up a hobby that I've come to despise today. I played World of Warcraft. We both did. It was THE hobby, as it only cost us $30 per month. One of the problems was our play style differed. She played casually, and I was into hard-core raiding. I wanted to be the best.. and in my negligence, I didn't realize that I spent a better part of that year completely immersed to the point that I didn't even spend much time with the one I loved. I don't blame the game, I blame myself. We also worked different hours. She typically worked first shift, I worked Second. So that didn't help any.

 

I made a little more money than her.. but that’s just luck of the draw as her grades and (probably) general intelligence were/are higher than my own. As it stood, I had no problem paying for every bill that arrived including her car payment.

 

Money was always an issue. She wanted to go to Grad School badly. I could never afford to send her at the moment, so I asked her to wait until we could afford it. This is probably a fine time to mention she has a child, an 8 year old.

 

Roughly two months ago, I realized that I was spending far too much time immersed in my hobby, so I eased back on it to a great extent. I started trying to taker her out and spend time with her. Much to my dismay, I was greeted with the cold shoulder. For two months, I tried daily to make our lives like they used to be. Then two weeks ago, I come home and ask her if we can talk, I wanted to fix that rift that I had put between us. She informs me it's too late and she's leaving.

 

Now I'm new to this kind of thing, I've been in love once in my life, and it's to this person. I never knew that she was so unhappy over the past year that she would choose to leave. This is perhaps due to my own sense of being oblivious.

 

She says she wants a new life, and that I slowly killed her love for me. I would give my own life for hers. She gives me a list of things I did to slowly kill her love. So I take this to memory and I've become a new person. I'll always make mistakes, but I'll do my best not to make the same ones ever again.

 

There's probably enough in my heart to write a dissertation, but I'm probably boring any potential readers enough. All I know is that the person I love more than anything else in the world, doesn't love me anymore, and I don't know what to do. I've read and been told to move on, and to not give up. She's still in our apartment and I'm staying with family because it hurts too much to be there. She's leaving the state to go live with her mother but I told her she's got free reign of the apartment for however long she needs it.

 

I'm not sure what type of response I'm looking for here. I suppose any response is good response. Thanks to any and all who took the time to read this. I never even knew this place existed. Thanks everyone.

 

-Ath

 

(and I did my best to avoid a Wall-of-Text)

 

___________________________________________________________________

 

No the child isn't mine.. but I've been there since birth.

 

Lessens learned indeed. I just had my priorities way out of whack for the last year. It hurts to no end because our relationship is now defined by a phase or period of time and not as a whole. Although she says I killed any love she had for me, I still have all of mine and then some. Anyone here think there's any hope of making things right?

 

I’d give up anything in the world, to go back in time one year and avoid the mistakes I made.

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

We had lunch today at a local restaurant. She cried and said she's confused. She told me she had lied to me about spending a weekend with her mother a short time back. She had gone to meet a guy friend from WoW while he was in Florida, roughly a state away from where we are now. She told me she slept with him, and I felt a pain I didn't even know existed. Moments later she said that she really didn't sleep with him and she just wanted me to make it easier to leave.

I don't have trust issues, I believed her. And the scary part is I didn't care about this other guy. Whether it happened or not didn't matter, I still loved her more than ever.

 

As of today, our apartment is clean of much of her stuff. She's leaving tonight. I want nothing more than a second chance to prove that the person who killed her love is dead and gone; and I know many people never get that chance.

 

What would it take? This is the person I want to spend my entire existence making happy. What should I do to accomplish this? Thanks for the replies so far. Everyone's opinion really means a lot to me. Thanks.

I've given up WoW completely. I want nothing to do with it.

 

As for emotionally autistic (good choice of words btw ), I like to think I'm not the type. I've killed off most of my bad habits (save smoking... yeah I know), I talked with my employer and family about a career change, and sent for Grad School information for myself.

 

Started reading again, for a purpose I might add. I started getting up early and that's one hell of a change for me (due to 2nd shift). Almost everything in my life has improved.

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

Because I'm such a sap, I took some time off work this afternoon to go see her off before she left. I met with some unkind truths. Apparently, there was more to just a meeting with this guy from WoW (and I know everyone sees where I'm going with this). Said she couldn't stand hiding what she did so the truth flowed.

 

I asked her if she had feelings for him, she said yes, but that it would never work, as he lives in another country and was only in the states on business.

 

It didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it would. Through all of this, I'd be willing to forgive. Maybe that's what love is... but what do I know

 

___________________________________________________________________

 

 

And yes.. I've thought about the trust thing.. I'm not sure where I stand on it at the moment.

 

___________________________________________________________________

 

...my best friend for a decade.

 

If I could turn it off right now... I would.

 

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

I've done a lot of thinking since last night. I've never had trust issues before, but the fact that I don't know if she slept with this other guy is driving me insane. She says she did, she says she didn't. I really do love her, but I don't know if I can be with someone who cheated on me. I literally vomited just from the thought of it.

 

I know the guy she may have cheated on me with. I have his cell-phone number. I don't think she can be honest due to not wanting to hurt me, but I have to know... even if it hurts.

 

Does anyone think it’s a good or bad idea to call this guy and ask him man to man, if he slept with her?

 

I don't know... but I have to try. Either way, she has feelings for someone other than me. So it really doesn’t matter. I truly want her to be happy. But I never lied once... in the 10 years I've been with her (4 officially), and I want the truth, even if only for Closure sake. Is it normal to feel like an empty shell, like the body just keeps moving on its own?

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

I called him tonight. I had to know. He told me that he didn't sleep with her. I believe him, but I'm not sure if its because that's what I wanted to hear or it's the truth, but he truly sounded sincere. Either way, I feel better in way. At least that gives me hope that things can potentially work out someday. Or maybe it's a false hope, but it lifted me a little.

 

I'm not new at being in-love, but her leaving me is/was my first real crisis in life. I'm becoming that person she wanted, as I'm being tossed away. I don't know much about love I guess. I was always raised to believe that if there's real love there, you can work through anything. I guess time will tell, sooner or later, time will tell.

 

_______________________________________________________________

 

Trust me... I'll never let myself ever get that immersed in any hobby ever again. And as for that game, I'm not touching it at all. Haven't since before the OP.

 

The child's status, she loved me, and it was returned, but I didn't spend enough time with her either due to the same reasons.

 

I've made many mistakes, but we were truly happy up until I let that thing take over my life. I've been a casual gamer all my life. But in all honestly, WoW was far too much for me. I couldn't stop. I miss the days of console gaming where I wasn't a slave to it. But in the interest of saving the one thing that truly matters to me, I've given up all videogames. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

 

As for addiction, it's relative to the user I guess. I know people who play a healthy amount, and on the other end, I know people who lost wives, families, jobs, etc. Never thought I had an addiction. Blind I guess. But at least this one is easy to break.

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

It's right now... that I truly miss her most

 

God she's so confusing! She told me before she left that she realized she still loved me a little, and how this is really hard for her. She tells me she has feelings for another guy. She lied to me about so many things. And she's gone now. She truly believed that I fell out of love with her this past year. My apartment is empty. I stopped by tonight. I can't even bear to stand in there let alone live there.

 

I don't know if she needs space, or if I'm holding on to my hope in vain.

 

Hell, I'm probably annoying the crap out of everyone with my continuous posting. But the fact is, I don't really have anywhere else to turn. Some people I considered friends I found not to be. Other friends from the past are either still doing the things that I don't care to be part of anymore or are long gone with time.

 

I've lost 8 lbs as of today because I can't eat, and I don't have a whole lot to spare. Sleeping is a nightmare. Even when I'm dead tired, I lay there for hours and hours with thoughts of her that will not leave. I cried for the first time since childhood the night she told me she was leaving. It was a new experience. I can't even do that now. I'm trying even as I write this.

 

This was not my first relationship. It was my first and only real one that was over 3 months. Is this how they work? Can real love be killed without intent?

What is love anyways? I've never believed in conditional love. I'm sitting here looking at my puppy and all I can think is, damn, this is one creature who truly loves without condition - and I admire that so much. To me its representative of what real love is supposed to be.

 

I heard a cheesy quote recently on TV. A character asked how one knows if they truly love someone. The reply was "You think to yourself what is the absolute worst possible thing the one you love can do to you... and then you ask yourself if you would still love them." Cliché'? Probably, but it sounded nice.

 

I apologize for writing so much. But this is my only outlet at the moment. And everyone's been a real support so far. I just feel dead... like I died, and the body just moves on its own... and I've never been this way.

 

Goodnight to all.

 

 

_____________________________________________________________________

I'm not suicidal. But I found myself today without fear of anything. I feel like I've been through Hell and there are miles to go. I've learned more about the human condition in the past 3 weeks than I have in my lifetime.

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

My favorite catch phrase that I've used for years is "It could always be worse." But, you're right, this is the worst. And if it's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, then I'm becoming invincible.

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

I thought about it all day at work. And, you're right it being a symptom. I realize that it wasn’t the game I was addicted to at all. It was the people in it. As good or bad as it sounds, I developed friends (although not close) from all over the world through it. I gave it my all. When I posted before that I wanted to be the best, I guess I should have thought that out a little more. When I said "the best," I meant that in two respects. The first was actual skill in playing. And the second was the best in terms of what I provided my friends there. If I didn't show up and bring my "A" game, the mission was lost, or sometimes never even made it off the ground. It gave me a sense of accomplishment that my job couldn't offer. I put so much of myself into being a dependable, highly skilled team-mate and leader that I forgot what was important in reality.

 

I was so enthralled in my pseudo accomplishment that I was oblivious to problems I was causing at home due to negligence. Worse than that, it took my drive to do anything else. I have a hard time even remembering what life was like before I started it, and I only played roughly a year. It kept me from being productive. My life was at a standstill, and I didn't notice.

 

The whole thing has been one hell of a shock to the system. It was never that I didn't want to be in the relationship; it was that the game offered something I hadn't had in a long time. I was so blissful in it that I forgot how the priority list was supposed to be. I had love from her; I knew that game wasn't going to be forever. I just took her for granted, because I had forgotten what it was like to be needed and relied upon. I truly love her, but I had a really crappy way of showing it sometimes.

 

So to address the issue of why, it comes down to I was trying to please myself and several other people from that online world. And I inadvertently did that at the expense of the one who loved me.

 

We both made mistakes, and it can be argued that I made more or bigger ones. But I never claimed to be perfect, and I truly want to learn from them.

 

I have been reading books again lately, I've gotten back into political/news radio and I have the most adorable puppy in the world. Haven't been camping in a long time so that one's nixed for now.

 

I've been studying for a broad range of different types of certification programs ranging from CompTIA's A+ to the National Association of Hypnotherapy (just for fun).

 

I want nothing more than to call her to see if she's ok. Probably a bad idea though huh?

 

______________________________________________________________________

 

I spoke at length with my grandmother tonight. That's something I haven't done in a long time.

 

I used my laptop for the first time in three weeks as well. My girlfriend had her email account set up through the homepage on my browser. I've never been a snoop, hell we all need privacy right, but I couldn't help myself from looking since it was right there and auto signed in. Before she left me, she had signed her self up for one of those "Special" dating services. This one in particular was oriented to finding people for sex. Now I'm not a moron. I know all too well how spam works and the advertising aspects of adult sites. This was not an ad or a spam mail. It was several responses to sex ads she placed. Even some details of an account she set up.

 

I wish to high heaven I never saw that, but it needed to be seen. I've come to believe that I lived a lie for almost 5 years. She never truly loved me, at least not the way I loved her. I thought I knew her, but I guess 10 years isn't enough to be sure. All I wanted from her in life was her love. For her to be there for me. To share experiences together. Did I make a mistake by losing sight of my priorities in life, you betcha! But did I deserve to be lied to, and cheated on, and tossed aside... these are not the things one does to someone they truly love. If you truly love someone, you help them through a dark time, instead of calling all allies who do little more than act as a sounding board for the frustrations you have by focusing on only the negative.

 

I've spent a while now, lamenting all the things I've done wrong. And now, I'm thinking of all the things I did right. I am not garbage, and neither is she. She can go out there and have all the guys she wants. She can have all the education she wants, she can have any group of friends she wants, and any job she wants. But for better or worse, none of those things will be me. She told me what I felt would turn to hate. She was wrong. There's no hate in me. Only the burning that comes with realizing that the one I loved never truly loved me, if she did, there would have at least been respect.

 

Do I forgive her, yes. Could I ever trust her again, I don't know. I suppose I should be thankful, she gave me a jumpstart to get my life back in order.

Yes, I'm still in-love with her, but life's a calling, and I'm not wanted in hers.

 

 

___________________________________________________________________

The email account I can only assume is secure. But it wasn't just ads that I saw. It was account information for these services, a set up account. Could I be wrong? Absolutely, and I truly hope I am. But I have nothing to the contrary.

 

I don't even know what to write anymore.

 

.................................................. .....

 

____________________________________________________________________

 

 

I’m sorry if this doesn’t seem to make sense, I pulled this into Microsoft Word from www.loveforum.net

 

I only included the posts made by myself. So if anyone is inclined the original thread is

 

http://www.loveforum.net/showthread.php?t=17143

 

I’m looking for any advice, comments, anything. I know this is long and I apologize but thanks to any who took the time to read it. I truly thank you.

 

-Ath

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just2Cute1972

Hi...im sorry you are going thru this. I can relate to what ur going thru on some levels. Im a gamer as is my husband. Several years before we were married he bought this game for like 10 bucks at walmart one nite on a whim. He didnt even know you could connect to the net and play against other ppl. He soon found out. For over a year i suffered in silence because of his addiction to that game. I hated it. He never paid any attention to me...EVER because of that game. I would try and talk to him about it, but he didnt see it as an issue. His response was always "You should come play it too, u would like it". I didnt wanna play the damn game i wanted my bf back. Our relationship was going to crap because of that game. I started becoming attracted to other men..i NEVER did anything or cheated tho, just noticed that i was thinking thoughts about other guys that wasnt the norm for me. I knew something had to be done because i was falling out of love, i wasnt really but i FELT like i was because i started harboring resentment towards him for always being on that game. Like you, i too believe that when ur in love, you can fix anything. Maybe im an idiot for believing that, but i always have believed that nonetheless. So because of that belief, I decided ok lets compromise here. I confronted him, but this time i was firm and assertive and told him that i was considering leaving him and that i was thinking about other men in ways i shouldnt be. That woke him up...fast, but he listened. I agreed that i would give this game a try (he would beg me to play this game with him all the time, i just had no interest in it) if he would cut back on the time he spent playing it and actually paid attention to our relationship. That was four years ago. We still play that game, we run a clan together actually, but we also dont dedicate every waking hour to it. We did split up last year for awhile, but that was due to things that were completely unrelated to the game.

 

I dont know that what ive told you is any relevance to you, but i thought id let you know from a females point of view who has been thru that. A lot of ppl dont realize that these games can be so addicting, but i know many many marriages/relationships nixed because of them. Im just glad he listened to me and was willing to compromise with me and i have accepted the fact that this is something he does to relieve stress or wind down etc., but as with anything, it has to be done in moderation. And youre right about making friends. Although weve never really met these ppl in person, when u spend so much time talking with them online and playing the games with them, u do develop some type of closeness with them. I hope things work out for you in the long run and i hope that you were able to pull something from my experience, if nothing else maybe some insight into what she is thinking. I dont really know what advice to give you as far as she is concerned other than time. Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for the response. It was enlightening. It makes me happy that you were able to tell him what was up with that kind of honesty. I wish everyone could be that forthcoming.

 

I don't remember if I mentioned it, but she moved out of town about 2 hours away. I've read everything from books to posts and I haven't had any contact with her for almost a week. From what I gather, this is best.

 

I've learned I can function without her. But I don't want to. I went through a tough time in my life this past year. I didn't pay her attention, and was an ass about several things. But I always loved her. Most people have said NC for a month. Does that mean I can call her in a month? Or are there any rules changed because she two hours away? Is there anything I can do? :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ignore the possible double post.

 

Thanks for the response. It was enlightening. It makes me happy that you were able to tell him what was up with that kind of honesty. I wish everyone could be that forthcoming.

I don't remember if I mentioned it, but she moved out of town about 2 hours away. I've read everything from books to posts and I haven't had any contact with her for almost a week. From what I gather, this is best.

 

I've learned I can function without her. But I don't want to. I went through a tough time in my life this past year. I didn't pay her attention, and was an ass about several things. But I always loved her. Most people have said NC for a month. Does that mean I can call her in a month? Or are there any rules changed because she two hours away? Is there anything I can do? :(

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...