ready for new relationship

[taylor]

Just a question for speculation...

 

What makes a person ready for a new relationship?

 

Is it changes in the person who had their heart broken?

 

Or is it meeting another person that takes our breath away?

 

For example, if a person was in a 3 or 5 year relationship that ends, is it possible to fall in love and be ready for a new relationship IF the RIGHT person comes along, no matter how far removed that person is from the failed relationship? That is, can the RIGHT person MAKE you ready?

 

Or is it possible the RIGHT person can come along but have not effect on you because you aren't ready? That is, the RIGHT person can't make you ready?

 

 

I ask because I have read on several posts: "You won't get over someone until someone else comes along." True or not?

[kypepeo]

I think it depends on the person and their attitude towards the break up. The sooner you realize that the relationship is over and move on from there, the sooner a new relationship becomes possible. You could break uo with someone and be ok whether or not the 'right person' comes along or you could meet the 'right person' but because you haven't let go of the old relationship, you sabotage anything you could have had with the new person. There's also the question of rebounds. If someone goes looking for a new relationship so as to get over the old one, then it's more likely to be a rebound relationship that hurts more than it helps

[shockandawed]

Good question and one I have discussed and debated with a few close friends lately.

 

My ex-fiance and I broke up right before Christmas. She immediately went into another relationship. I have spent the time since pretty well heart broken.

 

One of the biggest reasons I feel that I am not completely over her is the fact I don't have a relationship and she does. Sitting alone at home on a Saturday night knowing she is probably doing the things we did doesn't help things move along.

 

With that said, I know all too well the risks of both rebounds and locking up with the wrong girl. I have had dates since the middle of January. The early ones didn't stand a chance and were strictly excuses to go out. I had one in February who was everything I would be looking for. We went out 3 times but that was blown to crap by my ex text messaging me like crazy during the 3rd date. Having my dates ex sitting behind us during this during this didn't help either. Again, too soon.

 

I have had a few single dates since then. A couple didn't do anything for me. One, well, I thought it had great potential and felt like she could make me forget all of this, but apparently I didn't do it for her. She has avoided me since. That rejection is greatly magnified when you are still recovering from a breakup.

 

After my divorce three years ago, the final step for me moving along was meeting my ex-fiance. I wasn't near this heartbroken, but still had concerns, etc.. I was casually dating, meeting girls etc when I stumbled across my ex fiance. She immediately grabbed me and made me forget the other girls and my divorce. I can't explain it but something clicked that I had never felt.

 

My friend and I disagree at this part. She feels I am not ready to date as I am still hurting from my ex. I feel like the last thing to get me over her is a new relationship. Not the first girl that comes along, but the one that grabs my heart and makes the world stop spinning. I feel like I may have to meet 100 girls to find this one and I might as well keep my eyes open.

 

I really think now it's not so much I miss my ex fiance herself as it is I miss the relationship and life we had. The weekends, companionship, etc. But, she could still get me back with a phone call. My friend says that is a sign I am not ready, I say it will always be that way until I meet Miss Right, who fills the void in my life.

 

Thoughts????

[Kwo-ne'-she]

I think it is a combination. If the heartbroken person is not ready for a new relationship, there isn't going to be a chance of it working. At the same time, until you meet the "right" one, you aren't going to be interested anyway.

 

I don't believe the "right" person can "make" you ready. If you truly aren't ready, and get involved, there are bound to be problems. At least, there were for me, and others I have known. You have to get your own heart (and head) in the right place before you are truly capable of opening yourself up to be loved again.

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

 

Is it meeting another person that takes our breath away?

 

Many people, in this world, wish someone could enter their world only to sweep them off their feet. A fairytale on many levels.

 

This is not the case, though. No matter one's circumstances, that one special person would welcome themselves into your world, swiftly with touch, remove all sorrows, heart-breaks, aches and pains.

 

It can happen -to those who believe and have faith -but it comes with a price. You and I long for this to happen to us -but there is always a catch. The when, how, where, and what? come to mind.

 

It isn't so black and white. It isn't simple.

 

You need to have time on your side, and patience. Being exceptionally fragile after a break-up how could you ever be able to present yourself to the public -let alone a woman. This is partly the reason why, there is no best way to go about allowing a person into your life.

 

When you are ready, and able to confront a new love head on you will know. You will know when the rightness of your decision(s) and gut feelings are instantly pulling you into the appropriate path made just for you.

 

Until then you work on yourself and be the best you could be.

 

Enabling someone to enter into your world, only temporarily makes you forget about your exes and troubles if only for a brief day or two. Humans, by nature, are always intrigued by anything or anyone that poses to be thrilling, new, fresh, and mysterious in conquest.

 

Is it possible to fall in love and be ready for a new relationship IF the RIGHT person comes along, no matter how far removed that person is from the failed relationship? That is, can the RIGHT person MAKE you ready?

 

One can only hope. Almost everyone dreams of such an occurrence. Realistically speaking, I would love for someone to come into my life and grab me by the hand into the darkness of the night and show me what a relationship and love is all about -but I know it won't happen unless I start coming out of my shell.

 

Conquer my fear and pains of past relationships, and understand that for someone to be interested in having a relationship with me, I must be somewhat packaged in all areas in my life. In order for this to occur, I have to be in the best condition I could be so that when he does want me, I will be ready with open arms.

 

The rest is up to luck/fate/chance, and time.

 

But believe me, it is painful to open up to someone after so many years; to allow them a peak into your heart and soul after the downfalls. It hurts like hell -at least for me.

 

Sand&Water

[Trialbyfire]

As everyone has already stated, it varies from person to person and how much trauma the previous relationship caused you.

 

I'm of the firm belief that when you're ready and let yourself love again, you will meet someone. How long you remain unready is both a conscious and unconscious effort on your part. The longer you hold the hurt, the worse it will continue to hurt you and eventually will scar you.

 

Having said that, there is still a period of time where you need to pull yourself back together and become a whole person, versus simply filling the void of the departed with someone new. When you take the time to do this, you will go into another relationship as a whole individual instead of being an unhealthy dependent.

[oppath]

It is a combination. You need to give yourself some time to grieve but at some point you need to consciously flirt and open yourself to other opportunities; this will help you heal but first you need to have full acceptance that the old relationship is over.

 

Where are you finding all these dates Shockandawed? It's been 9 weeks? for me, maybe 10, and I've been keeping myself as social as possible and while I'm not feeling ready to date, I haven't met anyone to ask on a date. This does bother me, as I'm certain my ex is meeting people and dating (I don't actually know). I'm at the stage where I'd just like to meet people I could comfortably ask out, meaning, I'm not ready for the cold call stranger approach, but rec classes, friends of friends, etc have produced nothing, maybe 1 girl I even wanted to flirt with.

 

But I'm going to give myself more time to heal and continue putting myself in situations where I can meet new people, and take the risks as they come along. As my confidence increases, I'll create more risks.

 

I won't be ready for a new relationship until I am whole again; part of this, however, is confidence in flirting/dating, so at some point, I need to take those basic steps. There is no rush but at some point you need to open up.

[Cossette4]

Is it changes in the person who had their heart broken?

 

Or is it meeting another person that takes our breath away?

 

I wonder about this, too. Logic tells me it would be the first one--I would want to heal and move on completely and not burden some new person with my breakup woes. I'd want to be "okay" for me before I could be awesome for someone else.

 

But then again, the second one has its appeal on the days where you feel like you'll never get over it. "Until that one person comes along...and changes everything" <cue inspirational song>. That totally sounded like a romantic comedy movie preview.

 

My ex-fiance and I broke up right before Christmas. She immediately went into another relationship. I have spent the time since pretty well heart broken.

 

One of the biggest reasons I feel that I am not completely over her is the fact I don't have a relationship and she does. Sitting alone at home on a Saturday night knowing she is probably doing the things we did doesn't help things move along.

 

This is my big problem, too, Shockandawed. It complicates the question even more. On the one hand, we want to heal and avoid the rebound relationship, but our exes are making the healing process so much harder by claiming to be happy with other people while we suffer through this alone. And on the other hand, we want to hope someone perfect comes into the picture ASAP so we can be just as happy as our exes are, and our exes lose the power of thinking they are hot sh:bunny: t for having a relationship when we don't.

 

Ideally, I'd like to heal first..then find someone, rather than find someone who can make me heal. I think I'd feel too dependent on another person when really we are all strong enough to do this on our own.

[oppath]

At some point I feel people should date before they are fully healed, or as they are healing. I use date in the sense of actively putting yourself in situations that could lead to potential dates, not just date themselves. Getting your flirty self back is HUGE!

 

Relationships...people at LS are often burned in rebounds, or they were burned and see their ex immediately go on the rebound. We realize that time to ourselves is essential. We must heal and be complete on our own before involving another, otherwise we'll carry our patterns and habits and bagges into new relationships.

 

I wouldn't get into another relationship for at least 6 more months, but I've got the easy excuse of moving away for the summer and them coming back. I actually hope to casually date quite a bit because NO ONE I MEET will be associated with my ex.

[taylor]

My friends and family are anxious for me to "find someone new." They hate seeing me alone/lonely.

 

I have stayed busy with alot of social activities and I have met quite of a few interesting young men who are perfectly dateable. At least a half dozen have expressed interest. But I don't encourage them at all. Most of them can "sense" that I'm not into them. I compare each one to my ex - it's so unfair - and of course none of them come anywhere close. I say, "Why bother."

 

But I'm driving my friends and family crazy. They say I'm being too picky. They say I've passed up some real catches. They say there is no reason for me to be lonely - I've had plenty of opportunities in the past few months to get involved with some other very nice young men.

 

A year ago I would have welcomed these opportunities - felt like a pretty lucky girl to have attracted the interest of some of these young men.

 

But no one appeals to me because they don't make me feel the way my ex made me feel. They don't look like him, smell like him, talk like him, act like him. THey aren't HIM!!!

 

That's why I still wonder, am I not feeling it because I'm not able to (not healed)? Or am I not feeling it because no one has come along that could match my ex- no one to take my breath away? And if someone did come along who could match my ex, would I feel it or am I just not able to, no matter how wonderful they might be?

 

I would like to date again. It's been 8 months. But I don't want to just go through the motions. I don't want to date just for the sake of dating. I want it to be with someone special.

 

I know I am still healing. Last thing I want to do is jump into a rebound relationship to make myself feel better. Believe me, I've had my opportunities to do just that. I can't believe there are guys out there who are actually willing to be the rebound guy, knowing I'm still not over my ex. I've actually had to tell them, "No, I don't want to hurt you like I got hurt."

 

So, while all my friends are out with boyfriends or dates or meeting guys at clubs, I'm sitting in my apartment on a Saturday night eating Chinese and watching romantic comedies. I've been out, busy socializing and having fun, but sometimes I just say, "Why bother. I'm not going to be interested in anyone I meet anyways." It seems like I spend my time just turning them away and then go home just as empty and lonely.

 

My ex isn't dating anyone -just hanging out at clubs pining away for his old girlfriend he tried to rekindle a relationship with after he dumped me. When I see him out he looks so sad and lonely. What a waste.

[oppath]

Taylor, the romantic notion that you'll meet someone who will just take your breath away doesn't always hold. I'd say most relationships that start like that fail. There are lovely stories about people who "just knew", but I've been swept off my feet several times initially only to have things go NO WHERE after a handful of dates. Some of my less inspiring dates turned out to be great!

 

Take all the time you need, but maybe amp up the flirting a little. I feel you are ready. I feel your fear is getting led on and hurt again. No amount of waiting will remove this fear from your life.

[taylor]

Oppath, I know what you are saying.

 

But I am not looking for love at first sight.

 

My ex didn't take my breath away until I found myself falling in love with him - which was about 2.5 months into the relationship.

 

At this point, I would just like to meet a man who is real and whose feelings are genuine. That would be enough to take my breath away.

 

And, you're right. I am afraid of getting led on and hurt again. This is definitely the number one thing keeping me from dating again.

 

I have met a lot of young men since my breakup. They all seem shallow and superficial. They all sweet talk..their intentions are questionable...I don't trust any of them.

 

I appreciate all the opinions posted on this thread. A lot of food for thought.

 

But I am starting to lean toward the opinion that Mr./Mrs. Right could be standing right in front of you, but if you are not completely healed from a former breakup, you may not even recognize him/her or be able to pursue a meaningful and successful relationship with that person.

 

I'm going to keep working on these trust issues...

[Guest Y]

Another wonderful thread with so many great responses. Thank you for starting it Taylor.

 

For me knowing I wasn't ready was when going out on a date only made me think of my EX MORE. It was having the opposite effect that what I intended. I was comparing everything not to mention how this new person made me feel. It wasn't fair of course but I couldn't seem to help it. That's when I knew I wasn't ready in addition they were not the right person for me.

 

It was better to just hang out with friends at the time.

[What?]

I was in 2 LTR's 4 years plus each time. I got burned major on the last one, said she wasn't ready to be tied down stuff. Really hurt. I took 5 years off from even dating anyone, not one date, by choice because I felt it would be unfair to a potential suitor to be able to give my heart away unless I was ready.

 

There was not really a time frame established, but it was like 2 years after that I was completely over it, and then the distrust of women set in after that. I built up huge defenses to protect me from heartbreak. I met a girl that broke them down rather easily and fell for her hard and quick. That is out of character for me.

 

Anyhow, it turned out that she wasn't really in to me as I thought she was, but what I got out of it is that I am ready to find Ms right again. It stung a little, but now I'm ready to try dating again. I am confident that one day I can find the right one for me, but will not be desparate to do so. Sometimes I think I am destined to be alone, and it's a shame because I have so much love to offer. But I am also strong and do not need to rely on it.

 

Bottom line is that you can't commit to someone unless you are ready and you got to take a risk to get rewarded. I will not be deterred and neither should anyone else! Good luck to all!