I love my fiancee, but I'm lost.

[MacCarty]

We used to have a great and enjoyable relationship with each other where we'd go do all sorts of things all the time. Since school has started, everything changed. Last semester, she spent most of the time with me and things were good (when school wasn't stressing her out). This semester though she never seems to want to come to see me (we live about 45min. away). I try to see her whenever possible. I even bring flowers and other gifts just to be a little romantic and brighten her day. but she has cats (i'm allergic) and nowhere for me to sleep so I can't stay long even though I try to fight through it.

 

 

She tells me she loves me, she misses me, that I'm the most important thing in her life, and I know she means it because it usually makes her cry. It's when I say I'm unable to do something when she asks or when she's just really stressed out from her day, she just wants to end everything and will say that she's not happy with us. then the next day she'll say she's sorry and can't live without me. I'm lost here.

 

 

We have talked about all this. She tells me she hates it when she hurts me, but when she gets upset, she puts up a brick wall to her emotions and just gets cold. The distance between where we live is nothing to me. She likes it here when she's here, but hates the city I live in. I've told her that things will be different when I finish my degree as well as when she finishes hers. I never planned on living where I'm at my whole life. We are both working for our futures and do give eachother space to do so.

 

 

I haven't seen her in about a week. We just call each other to say we love each other and give good day wishes. We've talked and agreed that we need that space, but then she'll call out of the blue and say she misses me and wants me to come down. I usually try to, but when I can't (work, school), she gets upset and thinks things aren't going to work out. I've told her that I can see her the next day or what not when we're both available, but she's still upset from before.

 

 

She's also starting to sound jealous. She'll ask me if I want other girls and I tell that I gave HER the ring and made that commitment to only HER because I love only HER. She likes to snoop and I let her get that out only to prove to her that I have nothing to hide. I know she has self-esteem issues and anxiety (dad was dead-beat who left and other boyfriends treated her like crap) so I try to respect that and tell her everyday how beautiful and great she is. It's always her excuse that I can do better than her is why she wants to end things and that I think comes from those bad guys.

 

 

I am a good guy and I know she knows that and I don't want to be identified with those other guys in her life. I'm not just doing it for her either. She's the one who inspires me to work harder and want a future and when she's not upset and trying to break it off, she supports me, encourages me, and helps me with that.

[taylor]

It's easy to tell from reading your post that you love and care for your girlfriend. It sounds like she has strong feelings for you, too.

 

Other posters may disagree, but if I had to guess, I would say the problem here is your girlfriend's self-esteem issues are affecting her ability to give 100 percent to your relationship.

 

A person who feels worthless has very little to offer to a relationship because they feel they have nothing of value to give. They may also be afraid of getting hurt if they open themselves up and start to trust again. People with low self-esteem feel bad about themselves and can be very needy. They want someone to make them feel good about themselves. But the thing is, no one can give someone their self-esteem back. They have to get it back themselves.

 

I'm sure your girlfriend's low self-esteem stems from her past relationships.

 

You sound like a wonderful boyfriend. You encourage her, support her, assure her, etc. You make every effort to help build her self-esteem. The problem is even though you know she is a wonderful girl, and you tell her, she doesn't believe it inside.

 

It can take a lot of time to regain self-esteem. My only advice is to continue to be patient with her and supportive. She is fighting an internal battle. There is only so much you can do. She is fortunate to have found someone like you.

 

I hope it turns around for both of you.

[LakesideDream]

See an allergist, move closer and do some heavy lifting in your relationship.... or don't and watch it slip away.

 

Having "space" isn't normal for an engaged couple.

[taylor]

A second thought...

 

How long ago did you get engaged? Perhaps a case of cold feet?