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He didn't tell me about his past...


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Old 18th January 2007, 1:56 PM   #1
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He didn't tell me about his past...

I've been knowing the guy I am currently dating for about a year, however; we started dating a couple of months ago. We liked each other from the beginning but he lived in another state so I decided I did not want to have a long distance relationship but we kept in touch anyway, July of 2006 my mother decided to relocate to Georgia (state where he lives) which meant that I would be moving there also so I decided that we could give things a try. I never asked him if he had children or if he had been married, the only thing I asked in the beginning when we met was if he was married, and of course he wasen't. I just found out last week that he has daughter and that he was married about five years ago (they live in California), I was shocked! I can't understand why even though I never asked him these things he never told me! I don't know what to do, I love him and I want to work things out but I am confused...
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Old 18th January 2007, 2:18 PM   #2
 
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If he's here and they're there maybe he didn't feel the need to tell you because it has no direct impact on his daily life.

Some people don't date people with kids or exes.

Maybe he was afraid you wouldn't date him if you found this out about him right away.

How long did it take him to tell you again?
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Old 18th January 2007, 2:33 PM   #3
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i've known him for a year, he didn't tell me, I looked it up in public records...I confronted him and he said he didn't tell me because he wanted me to get to know him first apart from his past, he figured that if he told me upfront I wouldn't want to talk someone that has a child(I don't have any) and who had a failed marriage ( I know him to be a perfectionist, and gets really down when things go wrong, like he is a failure or something) I asked him how long he was planning to keep this from me, he told me when he decided that it was time to make a commitment and everything was in place between us he was going to tell me...
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Old 18th January 2007, 5:40 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ria305 View Post
i've known him for a year, he didn't tell me, I looked it up in public records...I confronted him and he said he didn't tell me because he wanted me to get to know him first apart from his past, he figured that if he told me upfront I wouldn't want to talk someone that has a child(I don't have any) and who had a failed marriage ( I know him to be a perfectionist, and gets really down when things go wrong, like he is a failure or something) I asked him how long he was planning to keep this from me, he told me when he decided that it was time to make a commitment and everything was in place between us he was going to tell me...
I can understand him not mentioning that he was married before because if he is a perfectionist, he may still not have reconciled the "failure" in his own mind. But to lie about having a child would be far worse to me. And how did he think that waiting til you were making a commitment would be ok? You didn't have all the facts to make that decision.
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Old 19th January 2007, 9:54 AM   #5
 
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Originally Posted by ria305 View Post
i've known him for a year, he didn't tell me
That's a very long time. I totally agree with guin girl, what about you? How are you suppose to make a decision regarding your future when he left this out? That is grossly unfair of him.

I can understand why you'd be upset. Me, I'd probably want to smash his head against a brick wall.

What are you going to do? Have you decided?
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Old 19th January 2007, 12:20 PM   #6
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he did what I suspected he was going to do, people who make poor decisions and get caught (conceiling the truth) try to find ways to blame the other individuals involved (myself) as if I had some fault in this too. I didn't tell you because you didn't ask me, another direct quote from him: "I admit I didn't tell you everything but my personal business is just that and it belongs to me unless we move into marriage or a full commitment" "I can't help but letting you know that I feel so betrayed, violated and angry because my personal business was shared with you" "You not telling me how you found out about this is very damaging to whatever else we have left between us"

My response:

"It is very typical of immature people to not want to take full responsibility of their actions so they look for excuses and try to blame those around them because they can't admit they have made poor decisions. Do I feel guilty? NO".

"So you think me not telling you how I found out is "very damaging" to whatever is left between us? that's petty. Try robbing someone from their right to know and make decisions that can affect their very lives, moreover; your personal business is no longer your personal business when there is a second person involved who can be affected by them, how did you know I wanted to be involved with somebody who has a child? I guess you just assumed I will be OK with that, right? or maybe you were just being selfish and only looking to establish your own agenda, how low is that? did you know if I wanted to get caught up with someone who has gonna through a divorce? again you assumed."

I don't know what is going to be the outcome, he's response made matters worst. He should of humbled himself and admit he was wrong. But again he is a perfectionist, and is going to have a hard time admitting that HE screwed up.
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