Hazel Eyes Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 Hi Guys, I am 28 and my 22 year old boyfriend just dumped me about a month ago. We had been together for about 1.5 years. He had been detaching from me for a month before it ended, so I wasn't shocked when he broke up with me. We had a lot of differences (age number aside): I have a college education, 5 years of solid work experience, a side business and a pharmaceutical project manager position to boot. I'm moving into an apartment in a couple of months and everything seems to be working out well...due a lot to my constant motivation and hard work He, on the other hand, has typically quit each job he's had, never went to college and lives at home with his mom and sisters. He was completely lost and unmotivated. With each success I had, it made him almost lose more and more steam. And being a ding dong, I tried to help him get moving. I think the result is that he got fed up with me trying to push him forward and dumped me. He popped up on my msn messenger about a week ago and said that he's doing great and has a job working with an electrician and has benefits and tuition reimbursement. He seems so happy now. I know that this is lame, but I feel horrible that he is only able to feel happy and to move forward now that he has dumped me... Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 This is one of those situations where both parties are better off without each other. You don't have the added stress of trying to support someone and he doesn't feel he needs to keep up to your drive. You know you deserve better than he's given you, if he gave you anything beyond someone to take care of. Link to post Share on other sites
Ssheena Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 That's good advice Trialbyfire. However, easier to say than to do. Hazel, it sounds like it wasn't so much the age difference as it was the life experiences difference. I hope you are doing ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted December 10, 2006 Share Posted December 10, 2006 I think age had less to do with it than life experience and maturity. You're likely better off unencumbered by someone you have to push. You might consider someone your experiential, educational, professional and sophistication equal the next time around. Link to post Share on other sites
Distracted Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Hi there- I know you posted this quite awhile back, but I'm going through something similar... a younger man who didn't finish school and who is constantly losing jobs because of some screw-up he brings on himself... mainly not showing up. While I've finished college and law school and have a good career. We had been dating for six months, he told me loved me, he was supportive and sweet but when he lost another job after a couple weeks he just disappeared emotionally- honestly not one word of explanation. I think that the break-up was direct result of his ego hurting, and I know there are a few comments I made along the way that didn't help things, that and paying for dinner more than my fair share. Almost all my friends have made the same comments, basically why do I care that a guy who is immature and irresponsible doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, but its hard because they didn't see the glimpses of motivation that I did (nor feel the love and affection). A man's ego is a mystery, but when they don't feel we are proud of them I think it is hard for them to feel love and connection to us... being with us makes them look even more like a failure. But I wonder if perhaps not being in the relationship gives them the extra drive they need to move ahead in life without worrying they may fail and look bad in ours eyes once again. Anyhow, I'm trying not to think about getting back together with him, there's no point until he grows up, but its hard to forget about the good times when there weren't really bad times to balance against them. My attempts at NC have been geniune but unsucessful. He hasn't tried to contact me, but we share many friends in common and I seem to run into him unexpectedly on a regular basis. I hope one day we can be friendly though and I really wish he could get his act together... Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Hi Guys, I am 28 and my 22 year old boyfriend just dumped me about a month ago. We had been together for about 1.5 years. He had been detaching from me for a month before it ended, so I wasn't shocked when he broke up with me. We had a lot of differences (age number aside): I have a college education, 5 years of solid work experience, a side business and a pharmaceutical project manager position to boot. I'm moving into an apartment in a couple of months and everything seems to be working out well...due a lot to my constant motivation and hard work He, on the other hand, has typically quit each job he's had, never went to college and lives at home with his mom and sisters. He was completely lost and unmotivated. With each success I had, it made him almost lose more and more steam. And being a ding dong, I tried to help him get moving. I think the result is that he got fed up with me trying to push him forward and dumped me. He popped up on my msn messenger about a week ago and said that he's doing great and has a job working with an electrician and has benefits and tuition reimbursement. He seems so happy now. I know that this is lame, but I feel horrible that he is only able to feel happy and to move forward now that he has dumped me... Any thoughts? Yes. You're a winner and he ------------------------------- is not. I understand you are sad over the end of the relationship but hon, you have a LOT of positive qualities that any guy would be attracted to. It's his loss, not yours. You need to keep looking at it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hazel Eyes Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Thanks guys CaliGuy: Thank you for adding your comment because I always enjoy reading your posts. You always have a way of communicating the basic point, and often the guy's inside view...and doing it all while respecting the person's feelings! I agree with you, I think I'm super and he's an idiot I do wish him the best though and hope he finds he way. Distracted: Thanks for sharing your similar experience. It does help to hear others go through similar situations...makes me feel less like I'm floating around with no one who understands my particular feelings. I posted this string a while back when my ex first broke up with me. I had gone NC for a couple of weeks, and then he started contacting me. We met up for coffee, which turned into a movie and a walk. He even called me when I was on my drive back home. It felt nice to spend happy time with him, but I soon emailed him to tell him that I'm looking for a relationship and he isn't, which is fine. But if that is the situation (which it is) then we need to not see one another. I suggested that he do the 22-year old thing as I did and make friends, date and have a good time, wishing him the best. He called me once he received the email and we had a nice discussion about my decision, which he respected. But then he told me that I'm his only friend and he has no one else in his life to talk to. He started calling me whenever something would shake him, like a fight with his co-worker or worries about his decrepit car. At first it was flattering that he turned to me, but it soon became apparent that I'm some kind of mentor at best, and glorified mommy at worst. He recently got into the habit of calling every Sunday, then every other day. And as the phone calls became more frequent, the tone started to change. It was less a casual conversation of mutual respect and more a one sided dreary "Debbie Downer" experience with him rattling off all the people who he is fed up with and all the things he is lacking. For me, this experience of not being physically around him has been good because it has helped me to open up other parts of my life and enjoy other relationships (friendships). But it was equally good to have the experience of listening to him and seeing for myself how unfulfilling it is to interact with him. I think that if I had gone total NC for ever and ever, amen, I might have developed some fantasy in my head about how great he was doing and would have put him on a pedestal. But having spoken with him, I can see just how immature he is. Time to date an adult! Link to post Share on other sites
daphne Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 hazel, wow, your ex sounds a lot like mine but mine's 5 years older. Amazing how he had the maturity of a 22 year old. THe good thing is that you've been able to talk to him to remind you that you didn't lose out on much. I didn't have that luxury because I jut wanted to get over him. The bad thing for your ex is that he hasn't realized what he's lost but when he does it won't be pretty. Just know that you have a great future ahead of you, and someone with fewer issues will be better prepared to appreciate you. You don't need someone who has so little self esteem that he's ok with you feeling bad to make himself feel better. And that's how that type of person usually is. Let him find someone who doesn't threaten him. You'll both be a lot happier. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 ur pretty hard on the guy hes 22 and some kind of electrician in training that aint to bad and he could be a bigger loser I mean he was getting u! Link to post Share on other sites
bella_girl Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 Hazel - it sounds like presently he is using you as a sounding board to be able to tell someone about all the crap happening in his life. If you are happy being in that position then that's cool, but if you get bored of fulfiling this mentoring type role you might need to change things and reconsider NC. What is weird is sometimes when a relationship ends your ex goes and does all the things you've been trying to get them to do for ages... My ex did that recently and told me "Hey I've been to x" a place I always thought he'd enjoy... and "it was so great, you should go." It's like hmmmm told you so. My ex and I were 6 years apart in age (me being older) and I feel like he was always competing with me to get a better job etc. He rang recently to say that he's got a great new job (which is now higher than my position). I was like 'great' but I felt like he wanted me to say 'ok you win' even though I was never playing the game. I didn't care what he did or earned as long as he was happy. Similar to Distacted when we broke up I mentioned that he should date girls around his age for a while. Though personally I don't think it's about someone's age it's about their maturity and where they are in their life (that was the incompatible part in our relationship). Anyway this is kind of rambling without a point so I'll stop! Bella Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts