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Fishhunter_00

I need some advice, but first I need to give some background. I am 32 with 2 ex wives, and 2 kids. I met a wonderful younger woman (she's 21) and we have been together for 2 years. I asked her to marry me 3 months ago, and she said yes. A week ago Friday I got drunk, and said some mean things to her, and told her that she needed to give me back my ring and get her stuff out of my apartment. She did. I sobered up, and asked her to forgive me and give me another chance. She told me that she needed some time to think, so I left her alone for almost the whole week of Thanksgiving. I broke down and called her this past Friday, and she told me that she didn't think that it was going to work, and told me that it was over. I asked her to meet with me and tell me face-to-face, but she refused. I paniced, and tried to call her a few times, but she ignored my calls, and sent me to her voicemail. I left quite a few sob voicemails, but she never called back. I made the decision to go to her house, and I saw that she had another guy there. I know for a fact she has never cheated on me before, and since she "broke it off" with me, she is technically not cheating, but why would she have someone spend the night with her after only a week of being apart? I know she wasn't getting cold feet, as she was pushing me to move our wedding date up to a sooner date! I have still tryed to call her a few more times, and she got her sister to call me and tell me to quit calling, or she was going to place a restraint order against me! What is going on here!? How can she do this to us? How can she be with someone so soon after just being in love with me? I do want her back, but how to I go about it?

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You must have said some really mean things to her the night you were drunk. Is this a habit of yours? Was there a reason for what you said to her?

 

I feel like there were probably some other issues in the relationship for her to give up so quickly. Perhaps she just got fed up with your drinking and verbal abuse.

 

It's going to be hard to get her back with this other guy in the picture.

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theadventure50120

I don't know why people get drunk and keep doing things like this. I'm 20 and never done something stupid when drunk , i speak the truth but i don't go shouting abuse to people , i know how far to go and realize what i will have to come back to in the morning.

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The drinking and verbal abuse wasn't a habit of mine. She was really ready to get married, and I pushed back the date on her. I aslo know that she is obsesed with having children, and I told her that I wanted more children too, but I wanted to wait until we have been married for a little while before she was to get pregnant. I didn't want to have another child with another woman and it not work out. I know she was really pushing the baby issue, as my sister, her sister, and a lot of her friends are pregnant, or have newborn babies. I almost feel that the new guy is just a way she is using to hurt me, as I have hurt her.

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Fishhunter_00

The drinking and verbal abuse wasn't a habit of mine. She was really ready to get married, and I pushed back the date on her. I aslo know that she is obsesed with having children, and I told her that I wanted more children too, but I wanted to wait until we have been married for a little while before she was to get pregnant. I didn't want to have another child with another woman and it not work out. I know she was really pushing the baby issue, as my sister, her sister, and a lot of her friends are pregnant, or have newborn babies. I almost feel that the new guy is just a way she is using to hurt me, as I have hurt her.

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What if she was doing all of this to you; putting off the wedding date and putting of having kids? you said that you have 2 kids and 2 exs - is that really fari to her?? how would you feel if she had kids and exs. she is probabaly hurting. if its meant to be, she'll come back.

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Fishhunter_00

I agree that she is hurting. I know that I have hurt her, and I have told her this. I have appoligized to her for hurting her, and are in the myst of making changes to my life to make the most out of our relationship, if she gives me the chance. Do you guys think I have a chance, or should I move on like she has told me to do? She has told me that we are over, but she won't tell me face-to-face, and has avoided seeing me at all costs. I am respecting her wishes to not contact her at all, and am giving her time to heal. Will the No-Contact thing work in this case? I guess I have no choice but to not contact her, as she has told me numerious times in the last few days not too.

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I don't know if she will come back to you. But the only way there is the slightest chance in hell, is through NC. It is the ONLY thing you can do. And while doing it, it will also give you time to heal and think about what has happened. Good Luck, and don't ever do that again.......to anyone :p. (if you want a future relationship to work)

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Fishhunter_00

Thanks for you replies. Keep them coming! I have made a commitment to myself to not get drunk again, as it has caused me so much heartache! Hopefully the NC will work in my case.

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Hello there,

 

firstly I just want to say that drink can be the root of all evil and I think you may have just found this out.

 

My first bit of advice to you is to MOVE ON, its over, shes made this clear,her family has even made this clear to you.

The fact that she has a new man on the scene after only one week apart speaks volumes,I cant honestly believe that this was the only issue in your relationship.

You may not want to hear this but it seems that she is moving/moved on pretty quickly and the reason for this....she doesnt want you anymore,sorry to be blunt but its so obvious.

It doesnt matter now whos fault it was,what matters is that your going to seriously destroy yourself if you dont leave the whole thing alone right now,believe me it will get a lot worse and you will wish that you hadnt bothered.

If it was me Id do the NC thing bigtime, not to make her come running back but to erase her out of my life.

You are basically your own worst enemy at the moment, you need to move on and take this relationship as a learning curve for your next one.

My ex had a drink problem,she wasnt an alcoholic but when she did drink she lost control and did stupid things which made me insecure.

You cant get nasty to any person you are meant to love because of a drink, you do have a problem and you need to address it maybe so you dont have to put yourself and any potential partner through this again.

But I still say you drunken way was one of MANY issues in your relationship.

 

Take care and look after yourself.

 

Nick

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Fishhunter_00

I figured I needed to give a update this morning on what has transpired in the last 24 hours. After her e-mailing me and telling me that it was over, and not to try to communicate with her at all, I started praying like I never had before. I have made a commitment to change my life for the better, but more on that later. I get home yesterday afternoon to find a letter from her in my mail. The letter explained that she still loved me, but I scared her with my actions, which caused her to rethink our whole relationship. She told me that she wasn't going to live like that, and I agree! So I took this letter as a invitation to call her. She answered, and we had a long conversation on what I did wrong in the relationship, ect. I didn't nothing but agree with her, and let her know that I was glad that we separated, so I could get my life back on track. I asked her to not close the door on our relationship, and she agreed. I ended the conversation with her first, as I was running late to church, and I let her know so. After church, I relized that I forgot to ask her if she had a ride to a surgical procedure, as she had asked me to give her before our breakup. I called back, but she didn't answer. I left a voice-mail, appologizing for calling again, but getting to point offering her a ride if she didn't have one yet. A few minutes later, my brother calls me and tells me that he saw her at a grocery store in town with this other guy. He made the comment like, "if this is her new boyfriend, then she has really made a step backwards!". According to him, this guy was really awful looking, overweight, missing teeth, ect. So I was pretty down. Then this morning, she calls me back (really early), and appologizes for not calling back, and saying that she had a ride. I played it cool, but asked her if she would be interested in getting together on afternoon this weekend to see each other. She told me that she would let me know. I know this is a baby step, but hopefully a step in the right direction?

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I dont think this is a step in the right direction at all...what are you trying to do to yourself? Do you realise that your going to get badly hurt, trust me it will happen if you dont leave this alone now.

You are torturing yourself about her with other guys ect ect.

This is just my view but if she was really interested in seeing you she would of rang you back straight away and she wouldnt be interested in other guys so quickly.

The other big factor in this is her age, shes only 21, a baby really.

Whatever you do I wish you the best of luck.

 

Nick

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NO CONTACT. Stop being so nice and trying to be around her every other day. Let her be and give her space. Stop calling her. Stop asking if she needs anything. She can take care of herself I'm sure. LET HER CONTACT YOU!!!!!

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Fishhunter_00

She left me another voice-mail again this morning, wanting some paperwork from my apartment. She didn't call, just placed herself straight to my voice-mail. I got frustrated, and called her back, she did'nt answer right then, but called me back. I told her I would bring her the stuff she requested, but told her I was tired of playing games, and wished she would make up her mind as to what she wanted, reconcillation or separtion. She told me that she didn't think she could get over this, she could forgive, but not forget. I told her that I had made changes, but it was going to take time for her to truly see them and beleive them. She told me it wouldn't work, and started back up on the issues that she had with me. I am SO fed up with this situation. I am heart-broken, but also angry. I would've forgave her and worked it through if the shoe was on the other foot, because I love her and would've believed her. But now.....Well, it is done.

 

Love lost, again.

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Hello again,

 

look, Im sorry this has happened to you but as an outsider I can see it was definately for the best.

Now you know where you stand you can start the road to recovery and get on with your life.

It was clear from your first post that this was a no go.

If she truely wanted you she wouldve made more of an effort after your fall out.

The fact that she didnt make much of an effort to repair a relationship with a guy that she had recently agreed to marry should say a lot to you about your relationship.

As Ive said before I think she may have had other issues with your relationship and the drunken night was her excuse to get out of it, you may not of even been aware she was unhappy but Im sure this didnt just come out of the blue.

At the end of the day it was not meant to be, simple as....I know you was together for two years and I know you wanted her to be your wife but and it is a big but it was not going to happen, maybe just maybe she got scared after agreeing to marry you,21 is too young to be getting settled down in my opinion and to be honest I think she may have felt the same and got cold feet and as I said was looking for a way out.

Come on,shes seen with another guy so soon....she really wanted to get married didnt she! You probably dont want to hear all this as your hurting but we all make mistakes, drink or no drink,it doesnt seem like you threatened her or anything like that you just got mouthy and you probably did scare her, I dont know but I know one thing and that is the relationship was not strong enough to repair.

Your better off out of it! Fact!

 

Best of luck

 

Nick

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  • 2 weeks later...

Have you and your ex-fiancee had anymore contact with each other? Are you two back together or finished with? If you have made changes to yourself, are they going to stick or go back to the way you used to be once you get her back. just curious. She is proabably thinking the same questions..

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I forgot my password to log in, but this is Fishhunter_00.

A update: We have been communicating for the last few weeks, and have been gettting closer and closer each day. There is no other guy that I can tell, the guy that was with her was a friend. I went to her house last thursday, and we watched a movie and cuddled.

 

She had been sick for the whole week, and she didn't feel like doing anything out of the house. We have talked everyday this week, and last night I went to her house, and we watched a movie, cuddled, kissed, hugged, made love, ect. I'm still not getting my hopes up, but she seems to be coming around. She is now telling me that she loves me, but I haven't mentioned the relationship yet, as it is too soon. I am just going to keep doing what I am doing, and pray that everything works out for the best.

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Fishhunter_00

A update: We have been communicating for the last few weeks, and have been gettting closer and closer each day. There is no other guy that I can tell, the guy that was with her was a friend. I went to her house last thursday, and we watched a movie and cuddled. She had been sick for the whole week, and she didn't feel like doing anything out of the house. We have talked everyday this week, and last night I went to her house, and we watched a movie, cuddled, kissed, hugged, made love, ect. I'm still not getting my hopes up, but she seems to be coming around. She is now telling me that she loves me, but I haven't mentioned the relationship yet, as it is too soon. I am just going to keep doing what I am doing, and pray that everything works out for the best. I am sticking with my changes, I have come too far now too look back. I feel great about the new me, and I know it is probably showing.

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Don't even bring up the "relationship", just let things happen for itself. There is nothing to discuss about the previous relationship if you guys have come this far. Just focus on the current situation at hand. good luck

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What do you mean getting closer and closer each day? What are you going to do when/if you get her back? Are you going to go back to your old ways? I was reading an old post of yours and it said that your wife left you and took your child with her. You stated that you knew what you had done to make her leave you.

 

Was it the same thing you where doing to your ex-fiancee? Is what you are doing (drinking and verbal abuse, etc.) a habit of yours? Is your changes really going to stick? And if so, how long? You really need to think about all of this before you two go any farther. You two don't need to put another child in that kid of situation (back and forth between two homes).

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Fishhunter_00

A answer to the questions that I have been asked. I have asked my ex-wife what the problem was in our relationship, and she told me that we didn't communicate, and she found someone who would talk to her. Then she committed adultery. This relationship was different. My ex-fiancee came from a home where her father lied to her mom, and stayed drunk. He would show out, then promise to change, and do it all over again. She saw me get drunk and obnoxious twice, and I told her that I wouldn't do it again. Then a couple of months later, I did. I have changed for the better, and I have made my mind up that these changes HAVE to stick. I have no other option. This time I am changing for ME!

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21 year old + desperate to have kids = disaster waiting to happen.

 

From what I've seen women who are desperate to get married and have kids, who see that as their life's purpose, and who rush into marriage at a young age aren't too particular about who it is that they're marrying and having kids with. Once they've achieved their fantasy, they realize it wasn't what they dreamed when they were playing house, then they cheat or bail.

 

Most, heck almost all, 21 year olds don't really know what they want or who they are. Generally the younger people are when they get married, the more likely they are to divorce.

 

I think you were right to postpone the wedding. You've already had 2 divorces and if she loved you, your exfiance should be understanding of you being wary of jumping into a 3rd marriage, especially with someone so young.

 

As for your explosion when you were drunk, you really ought to get some counseling. Emotionally healthy people don't do that kind of thing.

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Fishhunter_00

We had a great weekend together. I believe that we are on the road to recovery. I understand what some of you guys are saying about her age, but I know 40 year people that are less "mature" than she is. She explained her side to me this weekend, and it showed a LOT of maturity in the way she was thinking. As I said before, she has come from a family where her father is a alcoholic, as has made promise after promise to change. She is afraid that I would turn out like him, and she would be in her mom's shoes. She refuses to live like that. She didn't want to get married and have children with a alcoholic, and then leave when it got really bad with kids involved. I'm not a alcoholic, but I can see where it scared her to death. I am just going to continue to keep myself straight, (3 weeks, no alcohol), and see how things go. Thank you guys so much for the advice and council. Just remember that every situation is different, and needs to handled in that manner. I would like to give a peice of advice if I could. The no-contact thing does work, to an extent. If you are trying to reconcil, don't buy flowers, gifts, or call excessively. If you do talk to her/him, don't go on and on about how much you love them, miss them, or have changed. They won't buy it, and it make them feel like you are guilting them into coming back. I did a few of these things, but I quit, and look where I am now! She even told me that the flowers and the calls just made her madder. When I quit talking to her about us, everything got better, almost overnight! If things keep looking up with us, I let you guys know more.

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