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rainbowfaerie

Hello, glad I found somewhere like this. Am looking for advice to stop me going mad stalking my ex! I cant really talk to my friends or family as they are all far aware and so I find myself just constantly online, reading his forum posts, and googling his name.

 

I'm the one that iniated breakup the reason being I am frightened of commitment after having two long term relationships fail already, where I have had to move out of my partners homes and change my whole life, so when talks of future reared their head again I couldnt get across how scared i am.

 

Anyway, teh long and short of it is there have been a few break ups in a couple months, after over 2 happy years together and I couldnt go on hurting myself or my boyfriend so thought it best to end it. Only now it hurts like hell and it hasnt even been a week.

 

I know he is better off without me but I just feel so much pain wothout him. I feel it is all my own fault though due to me always being the problem in the relationship so i know i deserve the pain. I just cant get on and my life, or seem able to get it out of my head.

 

Is it stupid to send a text or an email to tell him this, or will it jsut end up hurting him more and make him hate me? i dont really have anyone else so I would like at least to have him as a friend at soem point in the future which would never happen if he hated me. I leave messages on a website that eh uses which he acknowledges but doesnt contact me so I knwo he doesnt want me back. Its all just so crazy and confusing right now and I'm not really sure what to do?

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Do you want to contact him to ease your guilt? If you want to get in touch with him to make yourself feel better, please don't.. If you want to pave the way for a reconciliation because you're somehow now over your commitment problems, then go ahead. Otherwise leave him to get over you and allow him find someone who can accept what he has to offer.

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I agree with Miss snoopy. I also think it is commendable that you can admit you have a problem with commitment. You are aware that much of this has to do with fears from the past. So, you are not in denial about all that and that's the first step.

 

I think one problem is that your fears are kind of running the show now. Getting out of the relationship addresses one set of fears but then having ended the relationship, another set of fears kicks in. Not being in the relationship is also a commitment of sorts. Being true to that commitment may be just as uncomfortable as when you were overwhelmed during the relationship and decided to end it. What fear is driving you to stalk and google him? I suspect that the initial relief from deepening intimacy and anxiety about the future has given way to a bit of panic about abandonment and anxiety about being alone. I think the best gift you can give yourself to, as you said, get on with your life is to seek professional support.

 

I'm sure you want to create a healthy relationship that is sustainable. And the way to go about it is to seriously deal with these difficult issues.There are ways to manage these emotions so that while you recognize them, they have less power over you. Or, at least are less overwhelming. You can learn more effective ways of coping,and make decisions with greater clarity etc.

 

 

 

 

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Being afraid to commit is familiar territory for me too. I've sabotaged perfectly good relationships because I couldn't get over my past experiences with loss and abandonment.

 

You've identified why you have the problem, but obviously still haven't dealt with the problem in order to correct it. Therapy really can help. It has helped me a whole lot.

 

You can't go through life believing you're not worthy of a healthy, stable relationship.... or you'll truly never find one.

 

Firstly, make sure you really want him back before making your way back into his life. If you are sure you want to get back together with him, then make that known to him.

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rainbowfaerie

I kinda screwed things up by making contact already and making a clumsy attempt to explain my fear of commitment right now. I now know hes hurting bad and wants to give me space I need to sort my self out btu has rightly said he cant wait forever for me as it will cause him too much pain.

 

How do I proceed now as dotn want to keep contacting him and causing more pain, but I want him back at some point as really do love him and want to marry him one day and see such a happy future. I know he loves me dearly, he has put up with a lot from me, and its possible he may want me back if I can sort out my feelings.

 

I've always been of the opinion that having a break does not work, and soem people see it as an easy route out of the realtionship, so when he suggested that in the past I said no, it was best to go for the full break up. We got back together soon afetr that time as I knwo I cant live without this man. Now we have done the full break up thing again and I dont know whether its best to leave it at that to stop the misery for him of geting back together before I'm ready so things going worng again.

 

Has anyone had any experience of having a break, or thinking time. How did you braoch the subject, or have it broached to you? Did it work out? How long was beneficial? I'm realising now that I'm so scared off the living together/marriage thing as I pretty much went straight to this boyfriend form my last with no time of being single in between and is it right to commit without soem time spent alone so that you can really appreciate what you have with your partner?>

 

Therapy isnt as common here in the UK, and i'm not sure how I would go abotu getting it, and I couldnt afford it either. Are there any self help books etc that may begin to help me with my fears that anyone is able to reccommend

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Hi,

Dont worry, im going through exactly the same. Its only been a few days and i crnt get him out of my head. I miss him so much but i kno he doesnt feel the same. I dont know how im gna cope with this.

 

 

Hello, glad I found somewhere like this. Am looking for advice to stop me going mad stalking my ex! I cant really talk to my friends or family as they are all far aware and so I find myself just constantly online, reading his forum posts, and googling his name.

 

I'm the one that iniated breakup the reason being I am frightened of commitment after having two long term relationships fail already, where I have had to move out of my partners homes and change my whole life, so when talks of future reared their head again I couldnt get across how scared i am.

 

Anyway, teh long and short of it is there have been a few break ups in a couple months, after over 2 happy years together and I couldnt go on hurting myself or my boyfriend so thought it best to end it. Only now it hurts like hell and it hasnt even been a week.

 

I know he is better off without me but I just feel so much pain wothout him. I feel it is all my own fault though due to me always being the problem in the relationship so i know i deserve the pain. I just cant get on and my life, or seem able to get it out of my head.

 

Is it stupid to send a text or an email to tell him this, or will it jsut end up hurting him more and make him hate me? i dont really have anyone else so I would like at least to have him as a friend at soem point in the future which would never happen if he hated me. I leave messages on a website that eh uses which he acknowledges but doesnt contact me so I knwo he doesnt want me back. Its all just so crazy and confusing right now and I'm not really sure what to do?

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you are too emotionally unstable to mend with the guy. let the guy go find someone who is ready for a commitment.

 

In the mean time, you are a perfect candidate for fwb, one nighters, etc because its all fun and no commitment and no one gets hurt... at least that's the idea of fwb and such.

 

this is why the past matters, folks.... those who argued with me about the importance of knowing the girl's past... this is the reason. you need all three to make it work - past, present, future.

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rainbowfaerie

what is fwb? and I'm definately not interested in one-nighters. I only really want to be with the man I love.

 

We are definately the right peopel to be together, I just think it may be the wrong time

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Im in exactly the same position as you but on the otherside, i.e your boyfriends situation. Infact the parallels are quite scary... I think communication is very important, maybe you should talk to him if you were the one who ended it. As someone who is in your boyfriends position, I would welcome that converstation because right now he's probably very confused, hurt and thinking that you dont want to be with him anymore. Perhaps given the opportunity you might find him to be more understanding than you think if he still feels the same way about you. If you know that you want this person in your life maybe you should go after him, compromise a little, before he moves onto someone else and you lose him for good. Im no expert though.

 

B.

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