I am finally fed up enough!

[ShoeGirl]

I have been posting on here for a few months, however I have not said a whole lot about my boyfriend because I wasn't sure what I was thinking or what I wanted to do. Now I need some support. This is very long and I appreciate anyone who has the patience to read the whole thing.

 

I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this... I know I need a few people to support me. Anything will help at this point!

 

My boyfriend, J, and I have been dating since about April of 2004, so about two and a half years. Everything was great, perfect, wonderful for the first year and a half, we never fought, and wanted to spend every second together. I was completely in love with him and he was with me. I moved away to go to college, only a few hours away, so we saw each other every month or more.

 

He had a difficult high school life because someone started a rumor saying that he was gay. I can kinda see why people would say that but I never once thought that he was. I actually thought he was very straight when I met him.

 

About a year ago I began thinking something was strange. One time we were together he got a text from someone named Kelly wanting to know what he was up to. He replied that he was with his gf and that was that. A few days later there was a message from Dana saying the same type of thing, he replied that he was with his gf, end of story. Over the next several months he kept getting these messages, none of them said anything bad, just asking what he was up to. I asked who Kelly and Dana were and he said they were guys he played poker with. The were guys so I didn't think anything of it, I thought they were girls so I was relieved.

 

Several months later I still felt like there was something odd going on. One day he got a message from a number that wasn't in his phone saying something like "I have lube in my *ss" I asked him about it and he said he didn't recognize the number. I didn't have a reason not to trust him so I believed what he said.

 

Over time strange things kept happening and I was getting more and more suspicious of what was going on, I checked his email (he told me his password for some reason) and there were messages from guys that pictures attached, after opening one I was in complete shock. I called him and asked about it and he didn't have much to say. I went home (where he lives) the next week and went to one of his coworkers parties with him. By the end of the night his very very drunk female co worker told me that he was confused, he was bi and he didn't want to lose me, well that was the gist of it.

 

I was furious, I went to leave and he followed me out. He confessed to everything right there. I was a wreck, he said he would change, that he didn't enjoy being with guys anymore and that he was in love with me, that he wanted to marry me. I was too furious to talk to him, I was the DD so I took everyone home and slept on his couch that night because I didn't want my parents to know that I was that upset or what was going on.

 

After about a week he asked for another chance. He deleted the email account he had been using for that, deleted all of the phone numbers and the profile he had on some chat site. I told him I would give him one chance, one more mess up and I was gone. He started treating me better, calling me more often, talking longer, etc. I thought everything was great.

 

About a month or so ago he started been acting strange again, I got pissed but had no evidence that he had done anything. He wouldn't admit to anything even though I know something is going on. Last night we got in a huge fight over every little thing, and I was about two seconds away from breaking up with him for good. I told myself to calm down and not over react.

 

My best friend, C, called me earlier to tell me that one of her good friends, B, has a gay friend, S, and they (B and S) went out to a bar or club about a month ago. While they were there a guy who B had never seen before came up and started talking to S, flirting etc. This guy left to go get a drink and while he was gone B was asking S about him. S said that they had hooked up in the past but that he had a girlfriend so S thought it was wrong to do anything again. (good thinking S!) Anyway this guy came back and hung out with S all night, probably about 3 more hours until the place closed.

 

B was talking to C about this guy who was obviously into guys had a girlfriend, etc. C started asking B questions about him, she described his looks, what he was talking about (a particular singer he likes and a few other things he is passionate about). C is my best friend so she knows J pretty well. Everything that B said was describing J perfectly. B said that she knows nothing happened that night and nothing has happened since because S didn't agree with him cheating on his girlfriend.

 

C had B look at J's profile on MySpace to see if she recognized him and she is almost certain it was him.

 

The thing that pisses me off is that he has volunteered the information that he has not talked to/texted/IMed any of the guys that he has hooked up with or any guy that he would talk to for that purpose. He is obviously lying to me. I realize that he didn't do anything with S that night but if he is still talking to S who else is he still talking to!?!

 

I am so fed up with him. He will probably be calling me in about an hour and I have absolutely no idea what I am going to say to him. I want to yell at him, tell him that he is an *ss, that I deserve so much better, that he doesn't deserve anyone like me (I am not cocky at all, but I am so pissed off that I honestly want to say that to him).

 

The sad part is that I still love him... after all of this I still love him

 

How is that possible? How can I love this guy? I am so messed up right now.

[magichands]

The sad part is that I still love him... after all of this I still love him

 

How is that possible?

It's wonderful to see someone that's so committed. Just a shame that he's not.

 

I suggest you give him a few more chances. It could work. Stranger things have happened. Actually, perhaps not.

[ShoeGirl]

It's wonderful to see someone that's so committed. Just a shame that he's not.

 

I suggest you give him a few more chances. It could work. Stranger things have happened. Actually, perhaps not.

 

Nope no more chances... I really hope you were being sarcastic

[magichands]

Nope no more chances

Maybe just one? You know you want to.

[phyrespryte]

The sad part is that I still love him... after all of this I still love him

 

How is that possible? How can I love this guy? I am so messed up right now.

 

I'm sorry to hear about what happened.

And it's totally possible for you still feel love for him. I mean you've been with him for 2 years. It's kind of hard to turn off your feelings for him despite all the crap that he's done.

But try not to focus on all the good times you had together. That'll only make those feelings of love stay longer. If you can try to do things that will distract you.

[ShoeGirl]

Maybe just one? You know you want to.

 

Nope

 

I'm sorry to hear about what happened.

And it's totally possible for you still feel love for him. I mean you've been with him for 2 years. It's kind of hard to turn off your feelings for him despite all the crap that he's done.

But try not to focus on all the good times you had together. That'll only make those feelings of love stay longer. If you can try to do things that will distract you.

 

What should I do to keep busy. I haven't made very many friends here because I have always been preoccupied with talking to him. I have three friends here and I have spent all day today with one and the other two haven't called me back when I called to tell them I finally got fed up enough to tell him no more.

[phyrespryte]

What should I do to keep busy. I haven't made very many friends here because I have always been preoccupied with talking to him. I have three friends here and I have spent all day today with one and the other two haven't called me back when I called to tell them I finally got fed up enough to tell him no more.

 

Hmm. This part is difficult for me since I think I enjoy wallowing in my misery too much. I know what I should do, but I'm not doing it. But...

 

I've been told that this is a good time to "take care of yourself". Eat well, get the proper amount of sleep, and start up some form of excercise. That will help with distracting yourself and also make you feel good because of something called endorphins being released. I don't know all the technicalities. I've also been told that it's good to get involved in other activities. Like taking classes. Dancing, acting, something sports related. Whatever it is that you want to do. Because by getting involved in some sort of group activity...you're making yourself busy and you're also meeting new people which can lead to more friends.

 

Hope that helps somewhat.

 

Also...I know that when my friends didn't call me back...I felt really mad at them because I felt like they were all I had. But I found that if I need to vent I would either write in my journal or go on loveshack and spew my guts. I don't know if that's the best thing, but it's definitely kept me from getting into a fight with people I care about.

[ShoeGirl]

Thanks phyrespryte, that helps. I am already really busy with school, I have one class that I spend 3 hours a day on either studying or in the lab working. I think I will just try throwing myself into my school work. These first few days are not easy... I am sure it will get easier. We agreed to meet face to face in a few weeks so that will give it some closure.

[ShoeGirl]

I talked to him last night about what my friend said and he admitted to all of it (that is proabably a first). Anyway he said I can call him when I am ready to, and he won't call me first. We shall see what happens... I don't think he can just not call me.

[magichands]

I talked to him last night about what my friend said and he admitted to all of it (that is proabably a first).

Which is it...is he getting everything "off his chest" because it somehow eases his guilt - or is he getting desperate to "square the ledger" in preparation to ask you for another chance?

[Guest]

HI,

just wanted to comment on this thread. i am not sure about the details here so correct me if i am wrong - your friend admitted to you that they were gay and that they were in a relationship - right? the thing i keyed on was how your 'tone' from the first post changed from being possibly upset to the last post where the 'tone' sounds upbeat. that's great news and to me it shows that what was important to u was simply that this person would just tell u that - the other stuff was secondary!

 

pretty kewl - hey, sometimes good things do happen. i think u both should be able to now start feeling more relaxed in each other's company.

[D-Lish]

If your ex is struggling to figure out his sexuality- then you are better off not being involved with him romantically. He's already proven he can't be trusted in regards to this. It's obviously something he needs to explore.

 

He's probably firguring out where he fits in, growing up in a hetero-orientated society that dictates "normality" follows the path of traditional marriage and family. I'm sure it's a struggle for him. You say he was quite troubled by being labelled "gay" in highschool. Obviously he's torn between his biology and socialization. But be wary... one cannot ignore their biology.

 

He can't be with you AND explore his sexuality at the same time. It wouldn't be fair to either of you. It's obvious he loves you, which must make it hard for both of you.

 

Get your closure, then move onward. If you choose to stay in this relationship, you WILL get hurt.

 

I feel for you. But he has to figure this out, and you have to look after yourself and your needs too.

 

Good luck.

Dee

[ShoeGirl]

HI,

just wanted to comment on this thread. i am not sure about the details here so correct me if i am wrong - your friend admitted to you that they were gay and that they were in a relationship - right? the thing i keyed on was how your 'tone' from the first post changed from being possibly upset to the last post where the 'tone' sounds upbeat. that's great news and to me it shows that what was important to u was simply that this person would just tell u that - the other stuff was secondary!

 

pretty kewl - hey, sometimes good things do happen. i think u both should be able to now start feeling more relaxed in each other's company.

 

Well you have the story right but the guy is my (ex)boyfriend (we haven't officially broken up at this point but it is going to happen soon). My next post was upbeat because I told him last night that I am sick of dealing with everything he is putting me through, I told him that I don't want to talk to him for a few days and he didn't protest this time. I haven't broken up with him yet because we are long distance and I want to see him one more time... even with everything that has happened he is still a good friend to me, just not a good boyfriend. Anyway, thanks for your comment. I like to hear other's opinions.

 

If your ex is struggling to figure out his sexuality- then you are better off not being involved with him romantically. He's already proven he can't be trusted in regards to this. It's obviously something he needs to explore.

 

He's probably firguring out where he fits in, growing up in a hetero-orientated society that dictates "normality" follows the path of traditional marriage and family. I'm sure it's a struggle for him. You say he was quite troubled by being labelled "gay" in highschool. Obviously he's torn between his biology and socialization. But be wary... one cannot ignore their biology.

 

He can't be with you AND explore his sexuality at the same time. It wouldn't be fair to either of you. It's obvious he loves you, which must make it hard for both of you.

 

Get your closure, then move onward. If you choose to stay in this relationship, you WILL get hurt.

 

I feel for you. But he has to figure this out, and you have to look after yourself and your needs too.

 

Good luck.

Dee

 

Thanks Dee! I know that he is confused. When I first wrote this I was upset and crying because my friend had told me what she had heard about him, it was just one more lie that I couldn't deal with. I talked to him about it, he confessed to what she told me and a little more, etc. I do have to say that we have an odd relationship aside from all of this... I say this because we have always been able to talk to eachother about everything inculding what is going on with our relationship. When he first confessed to all of this I was in shock but I told him I would be there to talk if he wanted to. He has taken advantage of that and I am glad. I know him better than anyone else and he knows me better than anyone else. Given all of that I still know that we should not be dating.

 

I am going to get my closure in a few weeks when I can see him face to face, he knows what is coming and agreed that we need to see each other again. Right now I have it in my head that we are not together, it's not officially over but it may as well be. 2 weeks then I will see him and it will be over.

 

I really hope that he will still want to be friends with me... he is an amazing guy but he is way too confused to be in a relationship with anyone right now. I guess I will see what happens.

[Guest]

not sure if this helps [because it appears that i am usually in the minority on most issues - lol]

 

lets say i [manly man that i am! lol] had a gf and she was struggling with her sexuality, didn't tell me, decided she needed a break to figure out 'issues', then came back months later and told me, that she fully and completely believes that in regard to her sexuality she plays on the woman's side. i would not be insulted, or upset - i would be proud that she took the time to discover who she really is and support her any way she asked and just be a friend.

 

is that weird or what? lol

[ShoeGirl]

not sure if this helps [because it appears that i am usually in the minority on most issues - lol]

 

lets say i [manly man that i am! lol] had a gf and she was struggling with her sexuality, didn't tell me, decided she needed a break to figure out 'issues', then came back months later and told me, that she fully and completely believes that in regard to her sexuality she plays on the woman's side. i would not be insulted, or upset - i would be proud that she took the time to discover who she really is and support her any way she asked and just be a friend.

 

is that weird or what? lol

 

 

That does not make you wierd. I want him to figure it out, I want him to be happy. If he is happy with guys then so be it and I will be fine with it, if he is happy with me then great! My problem is that he doesn't really want to break up (or take a break or whatever), I told him that I was not willing to take a break so he could go have sex and figure it out, but that we could break up (stay friends, he is my best friend after all) and when he figures it out he can let me know. He says that he would be hurt if I dated someone else. But expects me to be okay with him having sex. We think totally differently on this. I tried to break up with him a few nights ago because I want him to figure out what he wants and he can't do that while dating me, he asked me not to do it, and said that he would figure it out. He told me eariler that he has been doing lots of thinking, I don't know what he is thinking but I will talk to him in a few hours and find out.

[ShoeGirl]

I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to break up with him and just move on. But I don't think I can handle breaking up with him. I have started crying hysterically every time that I have even gotten close to doing it. If I break up with him I have no one. I have a two or three people here that I hang out with maybe once every three weeks or so and that is about it. I'll probably end up sitting in my room crying every day. He even told me that he doesn't want to break up with me partially because he doesn't want me to get depressed again.

 

I am so pathetic